AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

[Maketheleap]

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

YABU. Life's too short to put up with this. If you stay, you will find yourself still wanting to leave in 10 years time, and it won't get any easier to do so. Your daughters' opinion says it all.

Can you address why you are in the dog house?
Who stops speaking to whom? That's childish.

I would try and address these incidents if they are infrequent and the rest of the time is good.

You won’t regret it. It will be hard and you will definitely have moments but in a year or so time you will be content and free. Don’t put up with this shit. You certainly will regret staying

You could start making rough plans, looking at finances and perhaps ways to improve them. It feels scary splitting after a long marriage and it certainly takes some adjusting, but speaking for myself, instigating a split was the best thing for me. I've never looked back. If you keep returning to the idea inside your head, this means that you're not happy.

You can be a long time unhappy.

Cycle of abuse.

Your children are now old enough that they would not be forced between two houses. If that was your only reason for staying (personally I don't think it was a good one and your children also had to suffer his abusive silent treatment), then end it now and show your children there is nothing wrong with prioritizing your happiness.

Your dc can see far more than you can. You have allowed him to treat you like this. Okay, you did it with the best of intentions because you wanted to keep the family home together for the dc, but they know. They have been party to this toxic relationship their whole lives, and they are telling you that his behaviour is controlling.

You might feel miserable living on your own (or with your dc at least part time) in a different house, but at least you won't be in the doghouse or giving yourself the silent treatment, will you?

3 recent examples:

1. We planned to visit daughter for a day (living away at uni) for the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. He wanted to combine it with seeing his mate who lives in the same city so booked a hotel stay without asking me so we could see him in the evening. I was a bit fed up as had planned to spend the next day (Mother's Day) gardening. I said it's not ideal but OK here's how we could adapt the plan to suit all. He was so annoyed that I questioned his plan that he got the hump and stayed at home. I went to see my daughter on my own and he and I didn't speak for days. Ongoing narrative - I always prioritise the children's needs over his.

2. Same daughter has just broken up with her long term boyfriend as struggling with the long distance relationship since going to uni. We adored said boyfriend. Daughter got with her flatmate a couple of weeks later. I did advise her that that could be seen as quite hurtful behaviour etc and said she needs to take care of people's feelings in future or she will look back and regret it. Husband is still barely speaking to her 3 months on until she concedes to him that she behaved badly. Came to a head between me and him a couple of weeks ago as he hates that I am speaking to her normally and have met the new boyfriend. Ended up not speaking for days. Ongoing narrative - I wasn't kind to several boyfriends in the past and he doesn't want our daughters to turn out like that so they have to learn how to acknowledge when they are wrong (but she has just decided not to bother coming home any more as he's being such an arse).

3. Today - packing to go away in our caravan. He realised that I have made my own packing list which I like to use rather than using the one he has lovingly crafted over years but stresses me out. Decided to 'teach me a lesson' and refused to leave until tomorrow as my behaviour has made him not feel like going. This plays into a long narrative of 'I disregard the processes he has put in place to make our lives easier because I can't be arsed'.

the first thing my Mum said when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer was “I should have left him years ago”.

if you are thinking about this so often then there must be something in it.

act now

He’s a cunt, I really feel for you and your lovely daughters. You daughter is perfectly within her rights to dump a boyfriend and move on. Honestly fuck him. Look after yourself and your daughters and get so,e therapy cos he has done a right number on you all

see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour

The in between parts are comfortable. If they weren't you'd be long gone. He can't be an arsehole 365 days a year, that wouldn't work as you'd have left long ago. He's nice enough to you in between outbursts so you stay, he's controlling the situation.

Personally I would tell him he could ram his packing list wherever he wanted and hitch up the caravan and holiday alone, he sounds like a wanker OP, sorry. I'd leave, but only you know the answer. I haven't regretted it for one second, but then again, I wasn't in two minds. Once I knew I could do it logistically, I was out, no looking back.

Also for your sake stop telling your daughter to put other peoples feelings first. That’s bullshit. She is not responsible for other people’s feelings

Your daughters are the best judges here. You should model better behaviour to them....leave. life is too short for that shit. You could still have a relationship with him? Explain that you feel you'd both be happier not living together.

Thanks all. It's so weird to be in this bubble where you question whether you really are the one who is difficult to live with/unprincipled. This is giving me the strength to feel like I might deserve better

He's fucking horrid.

You don't have any children to consider. They are considering for you. Listen to them. Leave.

Of course you need to leave.

His behaviour is horrible.

Bullying and controlling behaviour.

I can't believe either of you commented on your daughter's love life. I have a daughter the same age. She would be appalled if her parents judged her in such a way. How dare you?

Yes, he sounds like a cunt. Sadly, your daughters may put you in the same boat if you carry on with your little moralising chats.

Honestly, it felt very awkward to say to her but he's instilled in me that my own teenage behaviour was very selfish and it was my mother's fault for not giving me any moral guidance, and I need to make sure I don't repeat the cycle. i really struggle to know (because of the neurodiversity) whether I just care less about this stuff than the rest of society or if he's just a holier-than-thou twat.

He’s a horrible controlling man, and you should leave. If your daughters are telling you to then that’s a massive red flag.

I did some terribly hurtful things to boyfriends (one in particular) when I was a similar age (had plenty of hurtful things done to me by others - no excuse but just to say young people are thoughtless), I do look back and regret it but how do we learn & grow if not by making mistakes?

Please leave him.

He's a holier than thou manipulative twat, your DD can see straight through him and so will you given a bit of time and distance.

Leave him. You are married to a jerk. An immature, emotionally abusive little baby of a man. When you dump him you will realise what a heavy burden you were dragging around all these years and even though you might be poorer you will feel spiritually richer.

He sounds like a dick.
If my DH wanted to 'teach me a lesson'about anything I'd be out. It's parent to child/teacher to student dynamic and not how two people treat eachother in a marriage and therefore very icky when done.
As for him not speaking to his daughter because she broke up with a boyfriend, he needs to get the fuck over himself doesn't he.

Gosh, I didn't expect such a consensus TBH. Now feeling like I have to do something about it, which is rather terrifying.