AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

[Maketheleap]

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

Who was it that suggested you do now go away in the caravan? Him?

please be very careful op.

When you split up, there’s always times where you think what if. It doesn’t mean that you should have split up, it’s human nature to wonder.

I understand why you might have been too scared to leave but you should have in order to set your kids a good example of what good relationships look like. You risk them copying you and sticking in abusive relationships when they should have left- heartbreaking. At age 12ish, children are legally allowed to choose how much contact they have with each parent. If they’d said no contact with dad then you could have spared them the pain that they experienced the last few years and they wouldn’t have had to travel between 2 homes.

I’m shocked that you told your dd to prioritize her ex bf’s feelings over her own. Being a doormat /people pleaser etc has contributed to your current bad situation. It’s common for young people to go to uni and date loads of people. It’s very common that secondary school romances fizzle out. You let your opinion of the ex colour your view on things. Dd did not do anything wrong finding a new bf.

When someone blows hot and cold/nice and abusive, you need to remove yourself from that toxic dynamic. You have children - didn’t you ever have to advise them on “friends” that behave like that? If he was a decent man who loved you then he wouldn’t treat you like this. You deserve better but clearly lack the confidence to think so.

Even though you have now amicably decided to separate next summer. I strongly advise you tell a close friend or family member this, in case something happens to you. I'd also advise you to secretly start planning financially. Get copies of all financials, pensions, savings etc., and organise yourself some income. Please do not share details with him - he is not your friend. He's highly controlling and manipulative, you cannot trust this man.

Thanks all, sorry for radio silence - very long car journey and yes, you are all right, the good behaviour did not last 5 minutes. I don't have any fear of physical abuse, never been any hint of that at all and he holds himself to be the 'moral' one, but the emotional abuse is in full force... I will update more when I can

I sorry. But you will be amazed at yourself by the end of this. You deserve happiness love and peace

We both wanted to go on the trip away TBH rather than waste annual leave sitting round and moping. But five mins in and he starts saying that he'd better give our daughter the full context of what I did in the early part of our relationship that has made him feel so strongly about protecting other people's feelings i.e. threatening to damage my relationship with her in retaliation.

Argued for 15 mins then I decided it wasn't worth it. Let him do his worst. I'm here and trying to enjoy the scenery (and we are being OK with each other, just quiet). Its making me sad that this might be the last time in our lovely caravan but thinking of alternative holidays I can go on, even if it's on my own

I know some of you feel I should have taken more time to plan before raising it with him but I do know everything about our finances as they are all held jointly and I do all the organisation of that. I just felt I needed to say something before I was lulled back into feeling like this is all normal.