AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

[Maketheleap]

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

To answer literally, yanbu to guess that if you divorce, you might later miss some aspects of being married. Quite likely you will. Is the marriage too miserable to stay in? Yes it sounds like that to me. I’d leave, I think.

Tbh he sounds like a complete twat. I would have been out of the door when he mentioned his "processes." Pompous dick. I wouldn't be going in any caravan with him. Tell him he can caravan by himself and revel in his own pomposity.

Wtf? Why shouldn't your daughter get with her flatmate? Shes single.

It screams abusive to me and sadly the typical cycle of being a complete and utter shit and ruining things and then how lovely he can be when he wants. He is choosing that shitty behaviour, remember that.

You should definitely gather some information like pension pot amounts, rough house valuation and go and see a solicitor to see how it will likely pan out. Do not listen to what your husband thinks you would get or whatever, he is not a qualified solicitor in this area.

Your own children can see the situation and hopefully carve out a better life for themselves.

You deserve better than this. You deserve peace of mind.

If you stay with him, I don't think you'll be seeing much of your dds and any future grandchildren. They won't want their children around him.

It's good that you've written down the incidents you can remember. When you leave - because I hope you do - and have the occasional wobble - because you will at first - read through them and think "At least I don't have to put up with that again."

I honestly don't think compared to the way you've been living that the reality of moving on will be any where near as hard as you fear. Some people do find the first bit post divorce difficult, but I can honestly say it was the biggest relief of my life. No I couldn't move a chest of drawers without ringing a friend, but so what. The feeling of peace and autonomy was just remarkable. I could put my key in the door without wondering what was on the other side, make plans without them being derailed, and be peacefully in my own home knowing nobody was going to come in with an agenda. Eat what you want when you want. Go to bed when you want. Paint the lounge whatever colour you want. Nobody's opinion. No curve balls. No tantrums, no control, no moods, no manipulation.

I was able to start my own business, focus on building up friendships, and it all just felt much more "true". Years down the line I am in a relationship the likes of which I coudn't have imagined existed which is the polar opposite to my marriage. My life would have looked so much different had I not got out of there. So yes, it might be difficult in parts, the divorce was no picnic I assure you, but you just need to give yourself permission to get free, get your head down and get through it with everything you've got, knowing you will come out the other side.

Also someone mentioned The Freedom Programme, well worth a look OP as one of your first steps to helping this sink in.

Forums are great for stuff like this. Especially when it’s too embarrassing to speak about to other people so you lose perspective. I must say that reading your responses I think you are stronger than you think - example you still went to see your daughter on Mother’s Day weekend, you didn’t let his mood stop you. Therefore, you can do this and you won’t have anyone disappointed in you! You can have a life without anyone dictating anything to you, try to see that as exciting rather than scary!

If it helps at all @Maketheleap the first year isn't always hard. From the first day, my separation was AMAZING. Yes, there were moments of difficulty when I was receiving death threats from him and when he found out my new address etc. He was very violent to me, so hopefully these wouldn't be issues for you in your situation. But honestly, I was on cloud9 from the first day I moved into my new home without him.

I'd imagine it's a lot harder when you've young children at home of course.

I really do hope you take the leap to leave him, as your existence with him right now is utterly miserable. You deserve better. LEAP.

I have adhd and find Claude the AI app very helpful to organise my thoughts. Breaks down the steps to the wee ones you need with adhd, seems to be very cognisant of the difficulties.

Just helping a friend leave after 32 years, she's having rough times but says the other days are like a holiday. She looks so much lighter in herself.

By cycling abuse with ok, it keeps you on a treadmill of it's not quite bad enough to push you to do something but it's not a comfortable place to be either.

What's that saying? You never regret the things you do, only the things you didn't do.

I stayed with my ex far too long (no abuse, he was just extremely hard work, highly strung and opinionated) and the first day after I moved out, I sat down at my new kitchen island, looked around at my new surroundings, listened to the peace and quiet and birds outside, breathed a MASSIVE sigh of relief and then burst into tears thinking why did I leave it so long to experience this?!

I am now happily married to DH and (deliberately?) chose someone who actually makes me feel that peaceful at home with him rather than without him. DH is calm, steady and does everything he can to make our lives as happy and simple as possible.

You may or may not move on - and might not even want to meet someone else! - but I can guarantee @Maketheleap from what you have said, you won't regret leaving. You'll only regret not doing it sooner.

I would say try marriage counselling before divorce.
Could you give some examples of what he gets cross about?

Marriage counselling is never recommended where there is a pattern of abuse.

I came on to this thread to say I think Mumsnet is far too ready to advocate ltb and don't take into account the realities of blended families, no control over who comes into your child's life, financial difficulties etc but your case feels extreme. Your husband sounds awful, sorry, and his behaviour abusive. Plus your children are grown up and want you to split.

Please do absolutely do NOT entertain marriage counselling with a clearly text book abusive partner, this is the worst you can do. it is not recommended by professionals for a reason.

also I urge you to do some research around what has been sold as co dependency for a long time is actually complex ptsd from ongoing emotional abuse, gaslighting and coercive control.

your feeling of not being able to do things has been planted in your head via his abuse. run for the hills!!

Yes definitely try counselling first. Obviously you feel how you feel within the relationship and he does sound controlling. However to go against the usual MN flow taking your 3 recent examples:

1. The visit to your DD. There is no problem with him booking accommodation to make a weekend of it and see his mate who lives in the same city. You could have spent an extra day with your DD . The problem is him getting the hump and staying at home then the not communicating.

2.Obviously DD is entitled to dump her lovely home boyf for the new Uni one. Your DH in effect agrees with you that she needs to take care of people's feelings, but again it’s his not speaking that’s the problem.

3.Using your own packing list rather than his fixed one sounds like for both of you there’s a bit of a neurodiversity issue. One of you prefers an innovative approach - the other preferring routine. Again it’s the refusing to leave that’s the problem.

Sometimes brain wiring leads to these patterns, eg I now think exH and I both had some kind of incompatible neurodiversity. I like regular routines and patterns such as using a list. He disliked routine and liked a new left field creative approach to be incorporated into daily life, for example, one year he saw nothing wrong with bringing the children’s presents ( wrapped by me) down early on Christmas Eve afternoon in front of them, as he thought we didn’t have to do the Father Christmas surprise thing the same way every year.

In summary the actual specific examples you gave don’t sound major but the pattern of holidays ruined, constant nitpicking and disparaging sounds more serious.

My point is that some ( not all) of your history sounds like a communication issue so do try counselling first.

I dont think anyone can tell you what you SHOULD feel. Regret is normal. However you clearly did the right thing.

He’s invalidated the marriage with his behaviour over a prolonged period of time. Hanging on to a marriage, when the other person hasn’t kept even the most basic of promises absolutely baffles me. People are so hung up on how difficult divorce can be (yes it’s a nightmare) but if the alternative is this “marriage”? Fuck that.

Well, I've made a little leap thanks to all of your advice. Broached a conversation this morning (after another night of not speaking). I felt it would go better if I framed it as a mutual thing i.e. it doesn't feel like this relationship is making either of us very happy any more. But eventually it did get on to how I felt he was damaging his relationship with our daughter and I wasn't willing to go along with that.

He did initially do his usual raising his voice and bringing up all the many parenting and relationship mistakes he feels I've made over the last decade. But I stayed calm and said I want to discuss what we're doing to move on from this as it's clearly not working and we have incompatible ways of thinking and behaving. He did actually agree it's not what he wants either and he has suggested staying together until our youngest has finished A-levels and he's finished his Masters (next summer), and then separating.

I said I'm prepared to do that but only if we can do it without the conflict which he agreed to. I really don't think he'll manage it but felt unreasonable not to try. I also think it's probably just a delaying tactic on his part and he feels it will have blown over by then but I feel very much armed with a new reality that I'm not prepared to accept anymore what I now know to be abuse. Of course, him being in agreement about separating makes me feel like he's not a controlling twat and genuinely thinks I'm the issue, but maybe that's just more gaslighting.

It feels like if we can do this amicably and over a sensible timescale then it gives me the best chance of getting through it relatively unscathed. I've done it for years already, I can stomach another year, particularly if he's better behaved.

We're actually going to head off on the caravan trip after all, which may be a brilliant way of distracting ourselves or a horrible way of bringing this to a head again.

I'll keep you posted. All your comments have been so helpful, thanks.

Oh, and to those who recommended or advised against counselling - thank you but we have tried it twice. Both times he was told he had very black and white thinking and we ended up leaving as he felt the counsellor and I were ganging up on him...

He is a holier-than-thou twat. He is trying to control his adult daughter's sexual relationships which is creepy as fuck. I'd bet he'd love it if he came from a culture where the parents (i.e. him) could arrange his daughter's marriage.

Plus, he is a sulker which is one of the ugliest personality traits.

Look at it like this.
Stay as you are and you get to spend the rest of your life living as you are...

I always think that it is best to approach a divorce in secret, until you have gathered all financial information and documents and seen a solicitor.

He may not be the type to try and hide assets, but you never know. Being a horrible controlling person generally, it may well be that he decides you don't "deserve" certain funds (as if it was his decision to make!).
Also, he is abusive and now has the opportunity to adapt his abuse and manipulation to stop you leaving.

In your position, I suggest letting the matter drop entirely for the next year. Let him think it was a 'blip' and that you have forgotten all about it. Go back to being your 'normal' self.

It feels like if we can do this amicably and over a sensible timescale then it gives me the best chance of getting through it relatively unscathed.
That is not how abusive relationships work.
You will not come out of this unscathed.
It will not be amicable.

But you still have to go through with it - for your daughters and potential future grandchildren, as well as yourself.
It will all be so, so worthwhile when you are out the other side.

My marriage never makes me unhappy and I am never in the doghouse. The more I read the more I think your dh is actually a nasty bully, all this teaching people a lesson nonsense. You are an adult and if you want your own packing list, wish to be consulted and included in decisions about trips, want to speak to you dd etc then you should be able to. What your dd does with regard to her partners is really not his job to police either. He sounds like a right prick and he appears to have conditioned you to believe that you are at fault and in some way deserving of this because of past behaviour or your adhd. Please leave him.

I’m afraid he’s attempting to manipulate you into not leaving. If you leave, he loses control of you. He won’t like that.

By agreeing to go away, and falsifying ‘best behaviour’, he’s trying to alter your mindset about how he is and how you feel about the relationship, in order to get you back in line and back into his control.

This is all a play from him, and pure manipulation. So in reality, more abuse designed to pull the rug from under you and make you retract what you’ve said. Until he starts up his dripping poison once again. It’s the push-pull cycle of abuse.

He also agreed with you about ending the relationship purely to put the wind up you and make you beg him to stay.

Everything he is doing is calculated abuse, of both you and your poor, poor daughters.