AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

[Maketheleap]

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

I have never met a person who regrets leaving a relationship, but I've met plenty who wish they'd done it sooner

We are all difficult to live with, men included. But if someone claims to love you, they deal with those things like adults and not sulky teenagers. They also don’t take the huff when their partner wants to do something differently from them.

Of course you deserve better, your kids seem to think so. Take heart, at least you appear to have taught them what not to put up with in a relationship!

I highly doubt you'd regret leaving this specimen.

You may end up financially worse off - but you'll have happiness and freedom, you can't put a price on that.

He's vile. Please leave him. For you and your daughters' sake.

I've been where you are. And I cannot emphasise this enough: LEAVE.

You will realise life doesn't have to be like this. It can be glorious, calm, normal. This is controlling behaviour. I had a partner who convinced me I was so difficult to love and that I was the problem. It took having cancer and thinking I might die to realise I didn't want to live the rest of my life being that miserable.

You won't regret leaving.

It’s difficult to give advice or a view. Everyone has such a unique set of circumstances.
if it helps I can tell you that I left my marriage 6 years ago. I don’t regret it, but it has been very tough. My kids were a bit younger though so have had to do the between houses bit. It can be very lonely after years with a partner, though being unhappy in a marriage is also lonely.
I think I thought I’d met someone and find happiness, but it hasn’t happened for me. The dating pool isn’t great at this age and I find it hard to meet men. I have had some experiences that have helped me grow (and been hard in a way)
overall it was the right thing for us, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. Proceed with caution I’d say.

It’s easy to type LTB on an anonymous forum, but you are the one that has to live your life and with the consequences of any decision you make.

Listen to your daughters and think of both versions of your future, one walking on eggshells around his moods which will only get worse with old age and trying to bridge the relationship between him and your daughters. The other having freedom to do your own thing, spend Mother’s Day gardening if you want to and having a less complicated relationship with your daughters and their potential future partners/kids.

He is abusive to both you and your daughter.
The fact that they want you to leave him speaks volumes tbh.

Thanks all, good to hear the alternate view as well, and the hard reality of what it might be like if I move on. I'm going to do some proper thinking through of the finances, and also some weighing up of how much of myself I keep 'in check' to keep him happy. When I think about the holidays or evenings out or Christmases I'd actually choose to have if I wasn't trying to keep him happy, it does make me feel quite excited about the idea of being on my own (or with my girls).

But I've also become quite co-dependent and the thought of making all my life decisions on my own gives me so much anxiety. Hopefully planning things and not rushing into it will help. We're not going away at all now (inevitably) after a further row over me briefly misplacing my caravan key so that gives me some free time to think...

If the marriage was just stale / no longer passionate / drifted apart etc I'd say yes, think carefully

But what you're describing is abuse. He is trying to control the tiny details of your life and punish you through removal of promised plans or silent treatment if you don't comply with his 'right way' of doing things

Would you like it for your daughters if they ended up in relationships where trips were cancelled because they used their own list instead of their partners list? Have you any idea how mad that sounds?

I've also become quite co-dependent and the thought of making all my life decisions on my own gives me so much anxiety

This is no accident, you have been undermined for years, and your self esteem and confidence in your abilities eroded to keep you stuck. It's on purpose. You would find that once the divorce was behind you, you're far more capable than you currently believe, and your shortcomings and failings actually do not stop you from functioning very well independently. It's all smoke and mirrors OP.

He’s worn you down with his control and abuse to the point that your daughter doesn’t want to come home. You should have left a long time ago, don’t waste anymore of your life with him. You will regret it if you stay as it will ruin your relationship with your daughters.

Honestly, the way he has treated your daughter would be enough to make me leave. What a nasty controlling man he is. I think it's become your normal and you've lost sight of how abusive he really is.

It's not always easy being single. But it would be easier and preferable to what you describe!

He is vile

It certainly looks like I have been conditioned to believe this is normal when so many of you are saying it's abusive. I'm a bit shocked. I definitely think I've been worn down by it over the years and made to feel like I would be unable to cope without him telling me how to do things right.

Been a bit of a rollercoaster tonight. After hearing your responses I went to the Divorce board to see how people actually make a start on this and read about how bad the first years can be which really gave me pause.

But then I've just made a loong list of all the arguments I can recall, the holidays ruined, the constant nitpicking and disparaging, the grudges held and recalled by him at the slightest provocation, the events cancelled, the stupid rules I've had to make my girls live by... And then a very short list of positives. And now I'm feeling like something definitely has to change.

Really appreciate you all taking the time and sharing your experiences.

The examples you gave us are very typical examples of abusive behaviour. My exh was very similar to yours and like you I stayed for as long as I could but ended up leaving him after twenty five years of marriage.

It was not easy for me to leave and I really struggled with feelings of guilt and simple sadness. It took me quite a few months to feel a little better, but I never once regretted doing it.

Looking back now, I just wish I had done is sooner. I am so much happier now, so calm, so content, so happy to be alive. I cannot wait to go to bed at night, bundle up in my cozy sheets, wake up in the morning and have coffee in peace, plan my day. I do what I want, when I want it, nobody is there to criticize and belittle me and tell me what to do or not to. Cook and clean and do whatever I want for my kids without him sulking and making comments about it.

Coming home is the most wonderful affair now; my quiet, cozy home, where my kids live, my dog, where I am at peace and happy. While there are some bad days, some mornings when I wake up feeling anxious and sad, all in all I feel much better. Life is beautiful again, it really is. Every little bit of it. The most common of days, when I do nothing at all, knit, watch Netflix, meditate, is the most glorious indeed.

I just want to reiterate this. I left a marriage just like this after only 5 years and I'm so glad I did. I do not regret leaving at all.

The bit you posted about him 'teaching you a lesson' really resonated with me in particular, that was my exh all over. Yuck. Pathetic little men.

I had no idea what a number mine had done on my confidence and self esteem until I was out. You are far more capable than you realise OP and will probably be much happier out of this marriage.

What you have described is text book abusive behaviour from your husband. He has conditioned you to think the way you do.

Leave. Your life will be better in more ways than you can possibly imagine.

You will need help to recover from the abuse. Women's Aid are your go to, both for planning your exit and dealing with the aftermath. It is not uncommon to have PTSD when you have been so badly mistreated. Also, once the abuser realises they are losing control of their abused, they can escalate, so get advice before leaving as to the best way of going safely.

Thank you - this really resonates and I'll hold on to that thought that my life doesn't have to contain such drama. I had a weekend exactly like this when he was away recently and it was absolute bliss to do whatever I wanted without justification or treading on eggshells.

I can see this is going to be a long road ahead. Thanks everyone for all the supportive comments. I'll come back to them when feeling wobbly.

Thank you, I would never have imagined my situation was worth bothering Women's Aid with as he's never been violent and I guess I didn't recognise that his regular tantrums amounted to abuse. That feels like a concrete first step I can take.

I don’t think leaving this marriage will be much more difficult than staying in it. Please don’t let the difficulty put you off. I have lots of really lovely memories that first year , my true friends really stepped up . If you can afford it find a good therapist

I would say read Lundys book Why Does He Do That (hint: because he can and enjoys being a cunt).
Then do the online or in person workshop - I can’t remember the name right now, that helps you recognize what’s normal. Someone will be along that knows.

@Wallywobbles It's called The Freedom Programme.