Been friends with a lady in my local community since she moved here about 4 years ago now to the neighbourhood , same ages DC , both of us working women, and a common group of girlfriends in the neighbourhood. Have done girls night's out in the past, and one trip last year with four ladies in total, with our family
Bunch of us planned a holiday with our family's in tow, for various reasons the three other ladies cancelled - and it ended up being us two away together with DHs and Kids.
So, when we planned it, it was self catering large caravans next to each other at this place that had stunning views and spectacular reviews. As DHs were going to be doing all the driving and some of the outdoorsy camp stuff with the kids, we agreed we would do the cooking. With the trip being only two nights away, we had agreed on bringing homemade food each of us for night 1 and to eat it all together, and to cook something simple for night 2.
Turns out I ended up bringing a huger amount of food for night 1 (the mains) but thought it sort of evened out as we ate inside, at theirs , as it was damp at night - there were two pots used to heat the food and we did leave the washing up of that to them - I left the leftovers with her and I think they warmed it up for breakfast the next morning , while I made some breakfast for us in our own caravan before we set out on activities for the day which again involved a lot of hill side driving which was done by the two DHs.
Turns out and I only found out on morning of day 2 that DH had offered to make them dinner on night 2 - now this annoyed me straight off the bat. It is an elaborate dish but one that DH loves , so it was partly for himself , but still I felt it upset the balanced planning I had in my mind. When he told me about it morning of day 2, I said fine , I hadnt unpacked my reaction yet so decided to go with it for then in order to let day 2 run smoothly and gracefully with the kids having fun as per the plan , and avoiding arguments seemed key. I wasnt happy about it though. It was a dish I hated to eat first off, I can't stand that particular type of fish cooked in that way and he knew that, but he also knew I would eat it if I had to. The original plan was for me and her to cook something simple together with the work divided among the two of us. In my mind, I had already done equal or more on night 1 with leaving a big box of leftovers for her for day 2 breakfast while I didnt take back any leftovers for us for morning after.
When i mentioned to her that DH planned to make dinner on night 2 and that rest of us could help out with prep etc, she answered extremely enthusiastically 'yes he said he was going to cook his fabulous xx for us tonight , wow etc' just seemed a bit odd to me as she knew I do not like that dish , but not her fault, DHs fault primarily . So let it slide
We had to leave the evening activities earlier to go get the ingredients for the elaborate dish, so I think the resentment against DH and her were building inside for me at that point. In retrospect, she could have offered that she and her DH do the shop as my DH was lead chef ? He does do his share of the cooking at home , but usually I have to nag for it to be 50pc though we both work ( a repeating theme on MN i Know) so to me , this reiterated the fact that he sometimes flirts or likes the ego boost of admiration of women, nothing new that I havent spotted already in the past 15 years with him but it has been harmless flirting in the past , never gets to affair stage, but is still low key annoying as I feel esp on holiday me and DC should have been his priority and it is annoying when he is seeking ego massaging as being seen as a great guy from my circle of lady friends instead of fucking off to do it with women at work (sorry for the langauge , but this is inconsiderate and lazy even when 'harmless')
anyway, he made the dinner, with both her and her DH helping as they can stand the smell and look of this type of fish dish, so ended up her H had no rest after a day of driving either thanks to DH changing the plan. She wasn't really doing that much with her DH helping mine , but I noticed on this trip more than I have in the past she likes to project manage and boss everyone around quite a lot , even when she's not doing a great deal herself, it had not been this noticeable in the past , if at all.
I kept the kids entertained in the open plan kitchen/dining and living area while the dinner was being made. Turns out they added too much of spice and flavour to the dish (it is not clear to me why or who's idea that was, as DH always adds just the right amount , never too much heat) and it ended up being inedible for my dc, and my husband cant eat spicy either, so he barely ate either. All of us ended up having mostly just the starters which was ready made and I popped in the oven for us, while their family enjoyed the spicy meal and also had two boxes of leftovers - presumably they were sorted for the long road trip back the next day as the plan to have lunch at an inn on the way back was turned down in a vague manner by them saying kids were fast asleep ( I figured they were eating the leftovers in the car while on the road, as wouldnt be starving the whole day ?)
We proceeded with the inn for lunch etc on our own.
So the above had me annoyed with both DH and friend, and not sure if AIBU?
I have long suspected DH is ND and on the spectrum which complicates it, as he doesnt see planning and organising as crucial the way I do.
The other thing is and perhaps this ties into him being ND, although maybe this is just overgrown teen boy behaviour unnacceptable for a grown man, but when we were at a pub lunch on day 2 - I went to get something from the car, and DH hid my mobile phone I think when I left it on the table at my seat, as a funny joke he says. When I came back in and couldnt see it there, I knew it was probably him and felt embarrased by the clownish act in front of friends, was searching for it just in case it fell off the table, while asking him whether he took my purse , and I noticed friend laughing (at me presumably as was in on the joke) when I was asking if anyone had seen my purse. What kind of 40 plus year old finds this a funny trick to play ? and what kind of 40 year old finds this laughable ?
Read him the riot act for this on the drive back home and he claims it was a funny joke and I was getting too serious. I actually felt a couple of times on the trip that the only other adult was her DH , and there was one incident when she told him off in the kitchen for dropping a utensil on the floor where I felt sorry for him. I actually felt a spark of ..like?....for him when he reacted so gracefully and classily in my mind to her embarrassing outburst. Absolutely not letting it upset him or reacting likewise.
AIBU to be kinda put off by both H and friend for the purse incident too ?
I think I can get liking someone , or feeling a spark, as long as harmless, and no intention to pursue it , we are all human. So okay, to offer to make a dish (him) or laugh (perhaps in embarrassment or not knowing what else to do) (her) for a silly joke.....but I think I am more put off by the fact, that she would not maybe make a quick pasta or something morning off the return to offer me some packed food for the road trip back, or something thoughtful and nice to even things nicely ?
And H needs to grow up re the purse hiding thing , disgusting, thats not even in the AIBU question, that has to be unfunny and disrespectful right ?