AIBU to ask if you were emotionally abused as a child, how do you feel about yourself now?

[ByFancyCat]

Growing up, I was emotionally abused and neglected by my mum. My parents had plenty of money, but I was denied basic toiletries as a teenager and my clothes weren’t washed from the age of about 14. I had access to the washing machine, but could be in trouble for using it if my mum needed to use it, which meant I was frightened to.

I was exposed to shouting and screaming on a daily basis, I was smacked as a small child when I had genuinely done nothing wrong. I was told I was a disappointment and given in trouble constantly but was also name called from about age 11 onwards. Fat, disgusting, selfish etc etc.

I went completely off the rails during my late teens and early 20’s and would drink myself into oblivion and chase any attention I could get.

I am struggling in my adult life to feel deserving on the life I now have. I feel afraid that my husband could leave me or that I will mess my life up. I don’t like myself and don’t like the things I’ve done in my past. I have done counselling numerous times, but I can’t seem to see myself as the person that others tell me I am. Fundamentally, I feel like a messed up person who is undeserving of happiness.

If you have been through something similar - how do you feel about yourself now? Is there a magic wand somewhere that can fix me?

Trying desperately to build self esteem

I’m sorry you have been through this too @MYled

Poor boundaries, people pleaser, lack of confidence

There’s no magic wand sadly or I’d definitely give it to you…

How much counselling have you done?

My experience is that it takes A LOT more than people think to get to a place of decent self-worth.

I’m at the tail end of about 15 years of counselling - not through the whole time but probably six or seven lots lasting several months each.

Each time it felt like I “fixed” a few things and needed time for that to settle and integrate before peeling back the next layer of the onion.

I have pretty good self-worth now, I’ve moved from having an anxious-avoidant attachment style to a mostly secure attachment style. I like myself, a lot. I can be prone to perfectionism, still being too hard on myself, overthinking and find it difficult to be vulnerable with certain emotions (anything that puts me in a position of needing someone else / support / help).

However I feel confident about overcoming these things to and am making progress in my current round of counselling.

Every round of counselling I’ve had has been a different type and with a different person and this has really helped me I think as I got something different out of it each time.

I do a lot of work on myself in between - journaling, using ChatGPT to work through difficult feelings and emotions/situations, setting myself challenging tasks (e.g. re: becoming more comfortable with being vulnerable I’m currently challenging myself to give more compliments to people and open up about how I feel in real-time, rather than waiting for two or three weeks until I’m past it to admit how I was feeling).

This isn’t meant to be a humble brag and I hope it doesn’t come across that way - I just wanted to show that it is possible to make good progress.

I’m genuinely a very happy and positive person 90% of the time now (15 years ago I was an inpatient in a psych hospital on 24-7 suicide watch).

Thank you @wheresmymojo - I appreciate that. I have done multiple rounds of counselling with different people, but have never felt it’s fixed much for me. But maybe I need to stick with it.

The other day, my kids said to me “mummy, you always think we’re the best at stuff, and that we’re beautiful and you always say these things to us, but that’s just because you’re our mum. Everyone’s mums say that!” Honestly, this comment filled me with happiness and tore me apart at the same time. I was so happy that I have been able to break that cycle and treat my children well, but it hurt to think I was a little girl, just like them, but didn’t hear any of these kind words.

Sorry you’re still suffering @wizzywig.

Whatever you feel inside, you’re obviously doing a great job as a mum. You’re breaking the cycle of your own upbringing. That’s not an easy thing to do. Good for you.

This is the main outcome for me. It's no boundaries ( before long term counselling of 15 years), terrible people pleasing ways, responsible for everyone's feelings, neglecting myself at expense of others. Being very emotionally vulnerable and fragile in relationships. An end would feel like someone died, even if they were obviously not right for me.

There's also the part of me that can boil and be reactive. By this, I am not a road ranger, aggressive, argumentative person. I have however had moments like a child where I have exploded. It's at the family members who for years berated me to be fair. So this potential is in me and I'm aware of it.

Counselling has been what has helped most. The same lady for 15 years so I'm incredibly fortunate. My entire family system is messed up and I'm the family scapegoat who has pulled away.

I have significant health challenges; autoimmune. I attribute their severity to all of the above.

I recommend finding and sticking with someone you click with therapy wise. I don't believe in short term therapy. For many, it's fine to be long-term. Why not if you're growing through it? ( It's a rollercoaster process of back and forwards ime. )

I feel like an imposter and I cant see how you fully ever get over it.

Objectively I'm a intelligent woman who got a degree and very desirable corporate job. Lovely house. Stable marriage, kids etc who I adore and we are all genuinely are good friends. My teen boys tell me they love me constantly. My adult son hugs me daily. My dd adores me. I'm still taken aback and shocked in how much they trust me. They tell me everything.

However I can't get past how the person who should of unconditionally loved me hated me. It's all on her not me.

Therapy helped. I decided I'm not a victim of life. I'm a survivor. A warrior. Not thanks to mum but despite of her. She taught me what not to be. She died a few years back. I'm sad. I loved her dispite everything but glad I came to peace that she would never love me before she died.

Everything I do I'm looking for approval. Validation. Praise. But I'm proud of me. I'm my cheerleader now.

I was left money I'm too scared to spend in case she sends a lightning bolt on me 😂

People pleaser, putting others first always, staying in one sided friendships, also hyper independent and never ask for help or lean on anyone. Don't trust anyone, very sensitive to physical movement in case I will be hit, never go out a day without make up because I think I'm ugly, was wearing make up from age 11 everyday.

Like others, a lot of journaling, reading books plus internet searches helped me figure out my life. It’s a lifelong process. It led me to learn about psychology, sociology, history, politics.. it’s evolved from upsetting to fascinating over the decades.

I have to constantly override my deep programming that tells me I’m a piece of shit with the factual knowledge I have. I have more of a fight in me now with a bigger picture of the world. It used to be please everyone and apologise for everything.

Emotionally abused by f.

I have a joyous life, fabulous DS, nice home, nice friends, nice job, secure finances. Generally a good life.

But will never trust a man, so will never have a lasting intimate relationship. Have accepted that a long time ago, with some relief.

I can relate to the “wearing makeup every day” thing. I am the same. I can’t have the world see what’s beneath. I can also relate to feeling like an imposter.

I am resentful that my mum still has this power over me. I grew up dreaming of the day I would be grown up and could live my own life, but here we are - and she’s still controlling me.

I spent far too much time feeling responsible for other people’s feelings. I thought I had to change myself to please other people and that my natural self was always inherently inferior.

I’m convinced I’m better than most people while at the same time not good enough. It’s fun being in my head.

Your story is pretty much mine too. I was a complete mess in my 20s - a weird mix of hating myself and being completely self-obsessed. I was suicidally depressed, suffered debilitating panic attacks, and also treated people around me quite badly. My only coping skills were dysfunctional ones learned from my horrible mother - tantrums, silent treatment, guilt-tripping etc

I started sorting myself out in my late 20s. I did a course of CBT with a psychologist. I then continued it myself for years (15 years). It rid me of the panic attacks and the depression, although I still had to be aware of both and monitor my thoughts/actions.

I was a much more calm and caring person by that time, but still had no boundaries and was a people pleaser and dependent on the approval of others.

Ridding myself of the arsey and self-centred parts of me meant that I then got into a seriously abusive relationship - the 'me' prior to CBT would have lost the plot with him at week 2 and never spoken to him again!

Healing from that led me to inner child work (from reading about it and online), and that has made another massive difference. I now genuinely do love myself, and I nurture the little version of me every day. I know there are people on here who mock inner child work, but my inner child was broken and neglected. She's now loved and cherished, and I feel completely different.

Natalie Lue's 'Baggage Reclaim' site is also great for boundaries and 'unpacking the baggage of the past'. Her podcasts are a really entertaining way to take it all in - she has a huge back catalogue, and it's worth bingeing them all if you like them.

I'm 60 now, and I can honestly say my past has no bearing on how I feel about myself now. There really is hope for the future - and your children are only the start of that. Well done on doing so much better for them than was done for you. That shows you can love yourself too - just like you love them.

Yes this as well OP

Life long disordered eating, hate the way I look and have never felt good enough, second guess myself constantly and strong people pleasing tendencies, I would also spend and consume constantly trying to fill a whole if I don’t keep myself in check. I have an objectively wonderful life but I’m constantly trying to fill a gap.

on the plus side I the fact I can be pretty cold and hold myself back emotionally which has served me well professionally and the perfectionist streak has made me very successful.

things that work: therapy, yoga and journaling. Taking time out and nurturing relationships with people who like me and being honest about why I am who I am.

I’ll always be broken, but I’m no longer hurt.

Not sure it was emotional abuse but I grew up in an awful house with arguments, domestic violence and just a generally unhappy environment. I’m 6 years older than my sister so I took on a mother role really early and felt it was my job to protect her, we were often woken in the night by fighting and screaming and I used to get my sister dressed and then back into bed so we were ready to go if we had to and then we would run to my aunts no matter what the time.

It was so horrible and now I have a very strained relationship with my Mum plus I hate alcohol or being around people who are very drunk. Shouting makes me instantly nervous and brings back that childhood scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am a massive people pleaser because I spent up until the age of 13 treading on eggshells and trying to make everyone in my house happy. I slept around a lot as a teen because I was looking for something (maybe stability or happiness) I don’t know. I hate any conflict and have zero self esteem. Parents have the ability to massively fuck your life up and I’m trying so hard to be a good parent to my two.

Fawner and a people pleaser, the shame is so incapacitating at times. It’s interesting because my mum worked hard on building my self esteem through sport, extracurriculars at school. Nothing quite rebuilds the lost self esteem though.

Mine are quite minor but they weren’t as a teenager. My mother thought showering once a week was more than enough and we didn’t really have any clothes. I remember having one pair of jeans and maybe a couple of tops but when I needed clothes to see friends I had nothing if they were in the wash. Of course she thinks she was the perfect parent but there’s so much more I could go into but I haven’t got the headspace for it. I remember there being a lot of screaming too, I still have dreams about it 20 years later.

I over compensate by showering too many times a day and washing clothes religiously and having more than I could ever wear. I try so hard not to be this parent.

Edit to add it wasn’t a case of money problems, she just thought basic things weren’t necessary.

Going non contact with my mother and minimal with my father has helped enormously.
Repeating to myself throughout the day 'I am safe, I am free'
I have never in my life asked someone if they would like to go out for a coffee/lunch as I would never assume they would want to spend time with me and that I had anything to say worth listening to.
I'm in my 50s and haven't had any friends since I was 15, though I have had aquaintances.
I'm happily single now as it was one unpleasant boyfriend after another as my boundaries/sense of worth was so low.
Lots of self love and care, looking after the inner child, eating well, staying clear of toxic people, trusting your instincts, lots of therapy with wise, kind people.
I love myself and look after myself as a best friend would.

Pretty much this. Plus a lack of self-esteem / never feeling good enough (especially about my own parenting) and quite extreme anxiety.

I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve tried counselling several times but it hadn’t worked for me.

Add being autistic to this, and it’s a mind fuck of epic proportions. ASD also often provides that feeling of superiority if you get the high IQ variety.

I over compensate by showering too many times a day and washing clothes religiously and having more than I could ever wear. I try so hard not to be this parent

me too