AIBU to ask if you were emotionally abused as a child, how do you feel about yourself now?

[ByFancyCat]

Growing up, I was emotionally abused and neglected by my mum. My parents had plenty of money, but I was denied basic toiletries as a teenager and my clothes weren’t washed from the age of about 14. I had access to the washing machine, but could be in trouble for using it if my mum needed to use it, which meant I was frightened to.

I was exposed to shouting and screaming on a daily basis, I was smacked as a small child when I had genuinely done nothing wrong. I was told I was a disappointment and given in trouble constantly but was also name called from about age 11 onwards. Fat, disgusting, selfish etc etc.

I went completely off the rails during my late teens and early 20’s and would drink myself into oblivion and chase any attention I could get.

I am struggling in my adult life to feel deserving on the life I now have. I feel afraid that my husband could leave me or that I will mess my life up. I don’t like myself and don’t like the things I’ve done in my past. I have done counselling numerous times, but I can’t seem to see myself as the person that others tell me I am. Fundamentally, I feel like a messed up person who is undeserving of happiness.

If you have been through something similar - how do you feel about yourself now? Is there a magic wand somewhere that can fix me?

Oh me too! I find it impossible to relax and not feel bad about it.

Honestly this made me well up. I would go out for coffee with you. I hope one day you ask someone and u have a really great time.

I was emotionally abused at home and bullied at school, so the first 16 years of my life were, um, less than perfect. Apparently, I wasn't wanted (I made the mistake of being a girl, you see), should never have been born, the only thing that would make that parent happy would be if I was dead, I should have the illness rather than them, and oh, by the way, this is how you commit suicide (very educational for a 10-year-old...). Thankfully, that parent died (and yes, I've been called selfish for expressing that, on being asked, "Do you miss them?"). At school, I was ugly, posh, 'fat' (actually, I'm more of an athletic build, rather than built like an ironing board), weird, had my name ridiculed, etc.

Needless to say, by 16, I hated people in general and wanted to live by myself in the middle of nowhere. Throw in the pressure from other family members (who had designed my life's plan down to a T) and it's hardly any wonder that I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I shut myself away and, although I don't remember much of that time, I just remember thinking, "I did what they wanted and it didn't make me happy. I'm going to try doing what I want, to see if that works". It did... and things are better.

I have anxiety. It can be crippling at times, to the point that I struggle to manage at work some days. On the outside, I'm friendly, but on the inside, I struggle to trust people. My confidence is no longer rock bottom, as it was when I had a breakdown, but it's still fragile. My head is a private mess.

I grew up into what is considered an "attractive" woman. I still come across as "posh" at times. I'm still of an athletic build, but muscular. I changed my name. I abandoned the Life Plan set out for me, re-trained, and only applied to faraway jobs that came with accommodation (I live by myself in a rural area, though I'd like it to be more remote). This means that I don't have to see bullies, can minimise family pressure and bad memories, and it's easier to manage my anxiety. I acquired a dog, which gave me a reason to get up in the morning, and to go out... though I still prefer uninterrupted dog walks! I've tried counselling, but the cynic in me just said that it was a very expensive conversation. The biggest thing is that I have embraced my weirdness, and I don't mind being seen as odd, as it keeps life interesting! I'm always trying out new things, like arts and crafts, or aerial silks and trapeze, and I have the confidence to go to the pictures and things by myself. I have rebelled against what I was taught, and have tried out different religions, and do activities that were banned (eating large quantities of chocolate until I could regulate it, leaving the village, and even driving in the dark...). I think that exploring yourself and doing what interests you helps.

I don't love myself, and there are days when I don't like myself (those are the bad days), but it's better than it was. There isn't a magic wand, but you can improve your confidence bit by bit. It's a little like being a jigsaw. You just get bigger and better with every positive thing that you do for your confidence.

Good luck, OP, and I will be reading everybody else's posts for further inspiration!

Nothing ever seemed to help me. It was an endless cycle of highs and lows, and even during my best moments, I was often left with that empty feeling, filled with shame about who I was.

Honestly, I’ve only managed to overcome my demons—excuse the pun—by finding Jesus and establishing a relationship with Him.

I will pray for those who are suffering. May you find the peace you deserve.

I gave up. It's too hard. I'm alive but I'm not living.

God I hadn't realized how much of my personality has been shaped by the parenting I recieced.

Yes i have to wear makeup everyday, I was even fretting in labour about making sure i had makeup on. Having to stifle labour noises as I was embarrassed of the sounds I would make. Being loud would be unseemly. I wanted to be quiet, to just get on with it and not make a fuss.
Yes to the disordered eating. Can't be over weight.
Imposter syndrome at work. Never feeling good enough.

I'm so sorry for your pain.
May the Lord reveal Himself to you. May you call on his name. Jesus came so we can have life more abundantly ❤️

Thanks @crazeecat! Made me tearful reading what you said!
Yup, one day when I'm in my 60s I'll have friends, I think by then I'll be able to manage it and enjoy it (maybe) 😄

You poor thing. My background was similar.

I also went off the rails in my late teens - looking for love in all the wrong places.
I’ve had lots of therapy which helped but I still drank to numb out and to help me cope.
Eventually stopped drinking (with the help of Soberistas - highly recommend) and feel very much better about myself now. I’m late fifties and I wish I had stopped drinking, got clarity and found my self esteem decades ago.

I wish you well.

Thank you ❤

I think I'm ok but I do have walls up for people outside of my DH and DC. I am hypercritical of my parents and have cut them off. I cut lots of people off easily actually, I've put up with enough shit in my life. I'm a very guarded person.
My DSis is a very successful workaholic. She puts up with endless shit from people. Gives too much.
My DBro has smoked weed all day everyday since a teenager. Won't work and won't bother trying.
We're all damaged in our own ways I expect.

TW

I grew up with horrendous abuse and the head fuck stuff is what still effects me.

I couldn't make choices, simple choices. I grew up believing that everything i did was wrong, every choice was wrong. I could have said "the sky is blue" and be told "dont be stupid its green" then the next day said "the sky was green" and be told how stupid i was.

I despised myself. I would spend so long wondering what my step mum would judge me for and if id be doing the wrong thing. Even years after of having no contact.

I felt like everyone in the world knew how dirty and vile I was.

I could not be nice to myself, just the thought of being nice or thinking something nice about myself was awful, made me feel vile. The only time I allowed myself to show any kind of kindness to myself, was cleaning my self harm. So I did it often.

Over the years ive suffered every type of abuse. Ive self harmed, been extremely overweight, anorexic, bulimic, suicide attempts, psych admissions, risky sex where I let men horrificly abuse me.

Ive had different therapy's, talking, CBT, ACT, psychotherapy, 6 sessions of this, 12 weeks of that, group work, mindfulness, nearly all the different psych meds.

I reached a breaking point and very nearly died. Seconds away. I did not want to go on anymore.

I was admitted to hospital. I finally admitted to the nice family members I had, that I felt not worthy of knowing let alone letting them love me, just how bad things were.

They swooped in and after a few months hospital stay. Me and my children moved in with them. It was a different county, and they offered DBT dialectal behaviour therapy. Which is the top notch in therapy there. It was a commitment, a year long, once a week 1-1 therapy with the same therapist, once a week "skills group" which sounded horrendous, and phone coaching, I can call my therapist or text her any of her working hours and she will get back to me and help me use a skill, calm down, re focus.

She was there when I nearly vomited at the thought of being kind to myself, there as we picked apart chains of how I think and why and how to stop things like self harm. We got into the grittiest of nitty. And made sense of it. She cheered me on, stuck by me. And I committed to that therapy, to trying out the skills, and I found that they started working. And so I found hope for myself. So I tried a little more. And even though mindfulness to me was, a big crock of pretentious, patronising shit. I did it. I did the silly exercises, I did the skills, I did the homework. And one day I text my therapist "OMG THIS DBT SHIT WORKS!!!" I still continue to say that in shock at times.

I now am kind to myself, I do nice things, I notice so much around me that all just blurred into the background.

I live in a lovely home with my 2 children, my nice family are 15mins down the road, we see them all the time and they love me and I let them. I learned to drive, got a car. I lost 3st healthily, gave up smoking, reduced my medications.

I have roughly 3months left of therapy, and im a different person. I have never been this version of myself.

Do not give up on yourself, no matter how much you want to, when there is only 1% of you that has hope, you hold on to that. You give yourself a chance because I promise you deserve it.

Sorry I went on a tangent. Dont mean to derail.

My teens and 20s were shocking, I almost don’t recognise myself then. Must have been some sort of personality disorder. Also boiling rage - I was so angry all the goddamn time. It’s a wonder I have any friends left from that time in my life.

Now in my 30s I have built up my self esteem and generally calmed down. I still have imposter syndrome and have days where I think my life is going to implode any minute (DP leaving me, my health going to shit, etc), so fixing the damage is a work in progress.

Started drinking at 11, using hard drugs by 13. Tried to kill myself at 18. Took me till late 30’s to have a proper job. Abusive marriage with an addict. Risky, violent sex with strangers. Bulimia.

I’m 42 now and just started therapy to try and unpack it all. In a healthy relationship for the first time ever. Clean and sober nearly 10 years. Good career. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be normal.i don’t have many friends, have a lot of anxiety, prone to depressive episodes and emotional disregulation when stressed. But things are definitely better. I’ll settle for better.

Along with all the other qualities that my mother despised in me, I had intelligence, an ability to get along with animals - and an abundance of sheer bloodymindedness.

I'm fucking brilliant and DP is as lucky to have me as I am to have him.

I'm apparently 'very resilient', which annoys the fuck out of me whenever anybody says it - well, yeah, when I've been battered to hell for trying to protect the dog when she was going for him with a stick precisely because I was immune to her punches, Mr Jones getting snotty on the phone and calling me names really isn't going to have that much impact on my day, but Mr Jones should have been pulled up on his attitude by the boss long before he got the impression that we were here to make him feel all manly and powerful and why the fuck hasn't the boss got the balls to tell him that nobody will take his calls anymore? I'll take them just so I can hang up on him again. But yay, Mooncup can do that, she's so resilient that none of this upsets her.

It's not exactly a great prize to have won, to have physical assault, screaming abuse and silent venom ruling my childhood through terror so that a twat on a phone is fuck all to me - so why congratulate me on it?

Anyhow, find something that she really hated about you and see it as a strength. Too smart by half? Yeah, you're smart. You were an idiot? Nah, that was to stop you realising how smart you were. Ugly? No child is ugly, so that was just lies and you're absolutely gorgeous. Pathetic? Nope, you just weren't vicious like her, you were a good person. Nobody could love you? Well, that's been disproven, hasn't it? Shows how much she knew.

The world prevails on the back of sheer bloodymindedness. So find it, embrace it and see your own amazing self the way that others see it in you.

@NeverDropYourMooncup it's criminal that people can do such a number on someone and attempt to erode everything good in them.

Since going NC with sibling and LC to NC with mother - I realise all these skills that I have. I can write poetry, I'm creative and play the guitar and sing pretty ok. I'm loving and connecting with animals and appreciate them, even the pigeons I love to now see properly and enjoy them. All the things mocked and ridiculed are actually the great gifts and attributes that are purposely undermined until we break free. I used to scream watching my brother enjoy burning the ants and insects under a microscope; purposely to evoke upset from me. That reaction was mocked out of me.

I now see clearly who was and is unfortunately still on the wrong path. And I'm back in touch with that part of me that loves even the bees and wasps again.

This is very outing so I have name changed but honestly, it wasn't until I joined up and went through officer training that I really started to feel self worth. It stripped me down emotionally and built me back up. It gave me a sense of structure and routine I'd never really had before. It gave me pride and the ambition to keep pushing myself.

I actually remember the time when we were on exercise out in the field that I started to shed the skin from my broken childhood and started coming into my own.

No one thought I could do it. No one thought I was bright or would achieve much. When I got my commission I held my head high and metaphorically stuck two fingers up to my detractors. I learnt that other people only define who we are if we let them.

I'm not suggesting you join up but it was much cheaper than therapy for me!

I went on to have a full career, travel the world and I now have two amazing kids and a wonderful DH. I'm a much better parent than I would have been because I've learnt to be much more self reflective than my parents ever were. I think they were too afraid to take a good hard look at themselves and their choices. I'm not. That's the huge difference and I hope the step that has broken the cycle of emotional abuse.

People pleaser. Couldn't express any opinion at all. Didn't really know I could have my own opinions that weren't my mother's.

Disordered eating/binging/secret eating. Crippling depression and anxiety.

I did over 10 years of group therapy, it saved my life. Im 58 now and feel much better within myself. Therapy helped me discover my opinions and learn to express them.

Sending love and strength to all in this thread. You are amazing

This is a tough read, hits hard.

Lifetime of low self esteem & choosing wrong partners
Compulsive behaviours - eating/shopping/spending/scrolling
Clinical anxiety
Chip on the shoulder
Need to control as much of my life as possible
Overthinking
Putting myself down and blaming myself
Feeling too deep
Tossing between being too blunt/confident and going into my shell, struggling to get the right balance
Not prioritising myself and feeling I am not deserving
Feeling never good enough, inferior
Self-sabotaging
Anger
Deep sadness
Disappointment
Imposter syndrome
Too much reliance on others at times and struggling to set firm boundaries, I flip between trying to hold a boundary and conceding for other people's sake, not mine
The list is much longer.

Untold damage and it's become so much worse since I've had DC. I'm having to reparent myself daily and it's exhausting. It dawned on me after DC, but the signs were there all along. I feel like a constant failure even though objectively I did very well professionally, socially and with my DC so far.

So much of this thread resonates with me and I identify with so many of the comments posted.

Father was emotionally abusive to all of us, including my mother. She left him multiple times and was always pressured into going back through a mix of further abusive behaviour, threats, and love bombing. He'd regularly drive out us kids out to the middle of nowhere to show us where he'd bury our bodies if our mother ever did leave him (alongside detailing his plans for murder-suicide).

I was constantly accused of lying and making things up, without any evidence or justification, it was the case that if I said anything that didn't fit his narrative then it was obviously a lie. From when I was a small child, I would regularly be interrogated for the slightest of things. He would deliberately wait until after I'd gone to bed, giving enough time for me to be almost asleep, and then would shout me downstairs to answer for whatever it was he thought I'd done. I'd have to stand for hours while he accused me of whatever it was and constantly rejected whatever the truth was, I wouldn't be allowed to sit or to go back to bed until I admitted "the truth". Most times I would just agree with whatever his version of events was to save myself hours of interrogation but this vindicated his view that I was sly and deceitful. As an example, I got given a book as a party favour at a friend's birthday. He saw the book on the dining table a few days later and didn't recognise it as one he'd bought for me, ergo I must have stolen it from somewhere. He took me out for a walk, at 11pm in the snow, and made me walk around and around the playing field as punishment until I confessed to stealing it. When we got home he made me tear the book up and put it in the bin, as further punishment I had to go the bed straight after school every night for a week. I was 8.

Constant name-calling. Stupid, selfish, sly, lazy, thick, pathetic, hateful, useless, worthless, greedy, etc. I never felt valued or my company enjoyed, my interests were judged as boring, my belongings were shit as in "what's all this shit?" and if I accidentally left my stuff anywhere where he thought it was in his way or somehow bothering, he'd make me bin it.

Like a PP, I had one bra and even that was unmeasured. It's like it never occured to anyone that I even needed basic stuff. When I got my period I'd get one pack of pads a month and had to make them last. Was told I'd better not come home pregnant or he'd stamp on my belly and then throw me out. I needed glasses but was never taken to the optician other than the initial appointment where I was prescribed glasses but no one was bothered if I wore them or not, when I was an adult I arranged my own eye check up and was stunned to find out my prescription was nearly ten years out of date.

There were times when he was nice and things were good but it doesn't undo the rest of it, does it? It's not the healthiest way to deal with it but I reconcile it by thinking of him as two different people. There's my dad who would play cards with me and buy me sweets in a Friday and then there's Colin (not his real name) who did all the other stuff.

Like many here, I'm a people pleaser. Massive imposter syndrome. Can't stand being shouted at. Hyper-vigilant at all times. Over-apologiser. Always slightly worried everyone secretly hates me. I know I'm brilliant but there's always the voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not. I go on a massive self-hate spiral in the face of the slightest setback. Never ask for help, shoulder sole responsibility for everything. Constantly over-extend myself. Also I have to be the last person asleep in the house so I know everyone is safe before I can switch off and, even now, so I know I'm safe and no one is waiting to wake me up as soon as I start to drift off.

@Goldeh he sounds at the least sociopathic, if not psychopathic. Growing up in these fucked up 'regimes' as I call them is crazy making stuff. ❤️

(NC). Lots of resonance with comments here, been thinking about this thread all evening.

Naice middle class family - violin lessons, skiing, and so on. Emotionally volatile and immature mother with no boundaries, father away half the week and folded to her when he was back. Constant walking on eggshells, waiting for her to kick off. Very restricted food, controlled appearance. I am extremely academically and professionally successful and always have been, and it's never enough. Other stuff.

Me for a long time: people-pleaser, always anger below the surface. Anxious avoidant. Being home alone feels like the safest thing a lot of the time - a default unless I work at it. Simultaneous grandiosity and feeling like the most worthless piece of dirt. Struggles with close relationships. Previously drawn to people who mirrored some of my parent's behaviours, never ended well. Didn't have kids because I couldn't see a way I'd let my mum in their life. Lots of suicidal ideation, some attempts. Pleasure-seeking habits, often to excess when I was younger (food, sex, shopping) - genuinely think the only reason I didn't become an alcoholic was because even a small amount of booze gives me crippling headaches. Loads more but it's late.

How I work through it:

• Therapy. So much therapy. More therapy on top of that. I found a really excellent counsellor in my late 30s and stuck with her for 5+ years. She was incredible in helping me see and understand the patterns of my own life and how to address them; also honestly just a safe space to rant/cry every week. I feel I am a radically different person now, in my late 40s, to how I was 20 years ago.
• Being able to grieve how all of this has affected me. The loss is real! Trying to paper over that is unhelpful.
• I don't like seeing any of how it affected me as a strength buuuuuuut I am super capable, resilient, and independent when I need to be,
• Excellent friends and loved ones who were able to take me to task (lovingly) on a bunch of my stuff too.
• So then: being incredibly intentional and active about what I wanted to change. There was a bit in a newsletter I've just read, along the lines of 'If you practice guitar a lot, you get better at guitar. If you avoid practicing guitar, you get better at avoiding things' - this is how I feel about it. Actively contacting friends about hanging out, even though in my brain I couldn't see why they'd want to. Actively drawing boundaries around the people who treated me badly. Actively recognising when I am self-sabotaging, being gentle to myself about why this is happening, and then moving to address it. Actively saying 'thank-you' to compliments, rather than batting them away. Actively treating myself well. It is all incredibly uncomfortable! I don't like it! But the more I've practiced this stuff, the easier it's become and the more I've internalised a sense of self-worth.

I have a nice life now full of people who think I'm great. It is ongoing work to be mindful about how my brain can get into bad/sad places, especially if I get triggered about specific things, but I have the tools to deal with it.

I had a horrible childhood and I do think this is partly the reason why I’ve decided not to have children myself.

This is so true for me. It's as though I don't have permission to enjoy anything in life.

I am lucky in that having escaped a controlling and abusive first relationship, I managed to end up with a dh who isn't abusive. I've been able to experience being part of his much more normal family. But I struggle with friendships. I put my needs last which is off putting I think. I used to think that this made people value you. Really it just freaks people out.

When you look back you feel so saddened realising how they distorted your view of the world. I really don't trust anyone except dh and my dc. If someone gave the slightest hint of disapproval or criticism I'd distance myself completely and not speak to them ever again.

I can see now how odd my behaviour was. But it has taken a near breakdown and decades to understand it. I meet every single behaviour trait of the dc of a narcissistic dm. My health is ruined with the stress of dealing with her. Her health is great however.

But I feel so much better for understanding it. I listen to podcasts, read books. And I do feel I'm on the mend finally.

That is wonderful to hear. It's a shame DBT is not offered everywhere to those that need it as it seems to actually work.