AIBU to ask if you were emotionally abused as a child, how do you feel about yourself now?

[ByFancyCat]

Growing up, I was emotionally abused and neglected by my mum. My parents had plenty of money, but I was denied basic toiletries as a teenager and my clothes weren’t washed from the age of about 14. I had access to the washing machine, but could be in trouble for using it if my mum needed to use it, which meant I was frightened to.

I was exposed to shouting and screaming on a daily basis, I was smacked as a small child when I had genuinely done nothing wrong. I was told I was a disappointment and given in trouble constantly but was also name called from about age 11 onwards. Fat, disgusting, selfish etc etc.

I went completely off the rails during my late teens and early 20’s and would drink myself into oblivion and chase any attention I could get.

I am struggling in my adult life to feel deserving on the life I now have. I feel afraid that my husband could leave me or that I will mess my life up. I don’t like myself and don’t like the things I’ve done in my past. I have done counselling numerous times, but I can’t seem to see myself as the person that others tell me I am. Fundamentally, I feel like a messed up person who is undeserving of happiness.

If you have been through something similar - how do you feel about yourself now? Is there a magic wand somewhere that can fix me?

You are a survivor OP.
There is no positives from your childhood, you were dealt a heavy burden, living with your family, but you're showing up everyday and making other people who rely on you happy.

It had a hideous effect on me.

Mental health issues, chronic suicidality and I have never even been on a date due to the fear of men my total misogynist of an abuser instilled in me from my earliest years (and I'm in my 50s now I'm embarrassed and ashamed to say)

I've had years and years and years of therapy plus multiple different types of antidepressants and mood stabilisers. But the pain of who I could have been and what I lost continues to eat me alive on a daily basis.

I'm a highly qualified professional and no-one could ever tell.

I wish you well OP and hope you find some peace.

You experienced a lot of abuse, a short stretch of therapy is likely not enough to really help you. Repeating cycles won't get deeper as you have to start at the beginning again.

If you can afford it, try extended counseling support. Take your time to research the type, meet lots of people, arrange a pattern with space between sessions and hopefully get to a more solid place. You may need to think years not months.

Why have you not continued with therapy? If it is money that's very tricky, but if it has been because either you feel temporarily better or you lose motivation, discuss with the therapist.

I've been been doing it on and off for 20 years and agree with this
The low esteem / self hatred is lower but being "unlovable" and falling short of the market still rears its head

Like @WhenYouSayNothingAtAll I am firmly in the I’m convinced I’m better than most people while at the same time not good enough. camp....

Its a weird place.

I’m sorry to hear that xx
I have chosen not to have children, but I had an incredible childhood. I just decided children weren’t for me.

The part of a brilliant childhood that no-one talks about though is the feeling of disappointment and sadness that adult life brings. I have spent my whole adult life trying to feel as happy and content as my childhood.
It probably sounds ridiculous, but adult life has been a constant source of let down and disappointment to me, in a way that I struggle to explain. It’s not that I have a bad life or anything, it’s just that my childhood was so safe and happy that nothing since has ever come close. I live in a perpetual state of missing the past and I’m not sure that’s always healthy or conducive to a happy mind.

No self esteem, yes person, people pleaser, always the one to compromise, never feel good enough

I can relate to so many of these responses. I feel inferior and definitely like an imposter. I try really hard to fit in and be the person I think people want me to be. I'm a people pleaser too but am starting to say no if I don't want to do something. I have days where I hate myself and tell myself that I'm stupid. I find it hard to trust people. I go over the day's events in my head and analyse everything and have sleepless nights worrying that I've done something wrong. I find it hard to accept compliments. I still hear my mum's voice in my head criticising me and putting me down. Have had bouts of counselling over the years but not sure it's had much impact. I'm in my late 50s and still not sure who the real me is.

As others have said you really need to stick with the counselling but I forgot to add the most important thing that worked for me which was going very low contact.

I see my DPs no more than twice a year, never alone and only very occasionally speak to them in between. It’s been a gradual pulling away which has worked really well for me: no drama for my M to get caught up in and I have got to a point where I genuinely don’t care.

also having my own DC has been enormously healing. They’re lates teens/young adults and so it hasn’t always been easy but at no point did I ever want anything but the absolute best for them. My therapist really helped me understand how young I was when my abuse started - I was always told how independent and grown up I was - and when my DC passed through the milestones that I had it was so much easier to see my treatment as the abuse it was rather than continuing to believe it was my fault

People pleaser, low self-esteem, imposter syndrome. The feeling that I'm not 'allowed' to question anything.

Therapy has helped, along with the support of my long-suffering DH and that of my wider family and friends.

My abuser was my late father. Largely absent parent, but yet still authoritative and cruel, dismissive and with volatile moods. Sulky and childish if he couldn't get his own way, and very spiteful.

I agree too with the PPs who said that they're convinced they're better than most people but also not good enough and that that they're a highly qualified professional and no one could ever tell what issues they have as a result of their childhood.

I am incredibly skilled at pretending, hiding, masking, whatever you want to call it. I can be whatever person I need to be in any given situation. People I work with would describe me as bright, capable, motivated, responsible, sensible, etc. I almost always excel at whatever I try but that's bourne out of a fear of failure and the consequences of failure, a pathological need to prove I'm good enough, and the learned ability to comply and fit in as much as possible to avoid conflict.

If asked to describe myself, I really struggle to do so beyond the surface level because I have so many different versions of me that I'm never sure which is the real one. Who I am is like a costume I put on and it depends on who I'm with and what I'm doing.

I've never really been able to hold down existing friendship connections and find it hard to make new ones. I think the main reason being that I only open up to a very select few people. I assume that people won't like me and so I don't bother at all or I keep things surface level. I take minor negativity and criticism to heart and then I distance myself from that thing or person.
I became sexual from around the age of 14 and acted in quite risky ways up until my early 20s when I became a mother. Then I got myself together. I never had a career and I probably would have if I'd had a different upbringing. So I'm encouraging my kids to do more in life than me.

Reading with interest. So many similarities.

Totally unstable childhood, sexually abused by my mums bf at 3, blamed for everything throughout my life as attention seeking but that should really have been my mums middle names as well as 'I'm an alcoholic but no one admits I've got a problem'.

Teenage years even worse, no parenting, pregnant at 14, awful abusive boyfriends and friends, drugs, drinking, bullimia, also chasing attention (well not any going at home), terribly bad, risky and dangerous situations going into my twenties. No protection from anyone and major CPTSD which leaves you even more vulnerable. Had a major breakdown after getting spiked during a night out. God only knows what happened to me but I woke up in a house with 2 men. I guess I'll never know. My mum picked me up, brushed me off and told me I was the problem. I was literally hanging on for dear life at that point.

Married a guy that had some good points but was emotionally abusive, totally unaware of himself. Did not hear me, ever and blamed me for everything. A repeat of childhood in that sense. Drugged up to the eyeballs by some ridiculous nhs psychiatrist and awful care from my then GP who looked down his nose at me and could barely interact with me for his disgust (14 year old termination on my record).. I still have physical symptoms related to this and struggle with going to the doctors for anything.

My son was 2 or 3 years old and I decided I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. I was a mess. I still have the suicide note but I couldn't do it to him. I must have still had a sliver of self esteem to think I would be better in his life than out of it. It was a pivotal point..and I chose then to go upwards.

I started exercising, stopped smoking then drinking. Very slowly weaned myself off the medication which was just masking the real problems. I had no help or support from anyone to do any of this, this was the 90's. No guidance from the internet! I was continuously being told how terrible I was by the people around me.

I slowly started working on myself via exercise, then yoga, then therapy, journalling. Initially I just followed my instincts as had no idea how to heal or even that I needed to. I just thought I was a very bad person for years. Most importantly eventually though I got rid of the people in my life who shouldn't be in it and later worked on strengthening my boundaries massively although its taken very a long time.

Its still hard, I'm still working on things. Always more to do. I hope I've got through the biggest hurdles but can get side whacked. I forget things sometimes but my life is so good and I am totally loving my fifties! Single and best fun decade of my life!. I have a really good relationship with my son. I know it wasn't perfect but a much better start than I had at least and more to the point I love him and care about him and vice versa...which is more than I had.

I have a great job where my experiences and insight help others. Its very fulfilling. I also went on to achieve quite alot in sport - got super fit after all that. Competitive sport helped give me my self esteem and I had some serious anger to channel so I got pretty good. Have slowed a bit now and currently finding my musical and creative side, something I had no idea I even had! Spirituality has also been pretty big in terms of recovery. As with pp being in nature alot too - a wonderful healing place. I feel incredibly lucky to still be not just alive but happy.

I would say wherever you are keep going. It's a journey and the slog is worth it even though it seems so incredibly hard at times. Think of it as two fingers (or one!) to the people who made you their scapegoat. Sometimes that and my son was my only motivation but it got me through to a much better place.

Also agree with the feeling slightly superior but also not..maybe it has something to do with the hypervigilance. I notice alot about people and remember certain things that they say and do forever whereas it might to them just be a casual comment. I am always observing and as other pps have done lots of masking which gives a weird feeling of disconnection.

More recently I have been working on showing my vulnerability to people that I trust. Interestingly some of them have been in a similar situation but again you would never know from the way they present themselves to the world. It feels good to carefully connect. Love and light.

Lots of thoughts about myself. Top two.

A fraud, definitely, because I was told I would never be 'anything'. I actually have a successful business, and a first class degree as a healthcare professional, whereby both I feel I'm going to get caught out at anytime. Like I was 'lucky' to get that, and not the reality of actually working damn hard.

Definitely ugly. Always being told that I was too ugly to be my fathers daughter, messes with your head. I feel I am ugly. Cannot take a compliment. Have zero confidence in how I look. I pretend to not care, but I do.

@JoyDivision79 i have that feeling of boiling over like a child around those who hurt me. I’m 40. Why does it happen?! I still struggle a lot and resonated with your post

@Goldeh where do you think the feeling better than others thing comes from? Do you think it’s a protective thing to try and mask the broken self esteem?

@Tyiop IMO, yes, it’s another defence mechanism.

It’s actually the same defence mechanism that you see strongly in people with narcissistic traits (they are using for the same reason) but for those of us who aren’t narcissists may still have a little touch of the same thing now and then, it’s just that it’s not our strongest defence mechanism and others like people pleasing, perfectionism, humour, and all the others balance it out.

In fact learning about Schema Therapy can be really useful as that helps you to understand all the defence mechanisms you use and how strong they are.

You can think more highly of yourself than others but it be at 2/10 as opposed to 9/10 strength for example.