AIBU to ask if you were emotionally abused as a child, how do you feel about yourself now?

[ByFancyCat]

Growing up, I was emotionally abused and neglected by my mum. My parents had plenty of money, but I was denied basic toiletries as a teenager and my clothes weren’t washed from the age of about 14. I had access to the washing machine, but could be in trouble for using it if my mum needed to use it, which meant I was frightened to.

I was exposed to shouting and screaming on a daily basis, I was smacked as a small child when I had genuinely done nothing wrong. I was told I was a disappointment and given in trouble constantly but was also name called from about age 11 onwards. Fat, disgusting, selfish etc etc.

I went completely off the rails during my late teens and early 20’s and would drink myself into oblivion and chase any attention I could get.

I am struggling in my adult life to feel deserving on the life I now have. I feel afraid that my husband could leave me or that I will mess my life up. I don’t like myself and don’t like the things I’ve done in my past. I have done counselling numerous times, but I can’t seem to see myself as the person that others tell me I am. Fundamentally, I feel like a messed up person who is undeserving of happiness.

If you have been through something similar - how do you feel about yourself now? Is there a magic wand somewhere that can fix me?

I'm 67 and still dealing with the emotional and psychological effects of being sexually abused as a teenager. Am waiting for some therapy. Have had lots of therapy and done lots of work on myself but still struggle- lack of self worth, underdeveloped sense of self

Disordered eating as well.

Poor boundaries, people pleaser, lack of confidence

Yes. Also, I havr replicated the relationship in marriage. Basically I married my mother and he can be horrible to me, but I stick around.

Drink too much. Adhd and inability to form proper social contacts. Actually I am not feeling very well at the moment.

And my mum still tells me I am "useless" and variations thereof. I am 50 with a PhD.

Thanks OP. Mine doesn’t sound as bad as yours to be fair.

At least I didn’t have to worry about using the washing machine

Repeating to myself throughout the day 'I am safe, I am free'

That's powerful. I have been a bit of a hoarder in the past as it fills an unfillable hole. Plus a physical wall that stopped my mum getting into my room to hit me.

I was explaining this to ds when he was about 17. He said to me "she's an old lady now miles away, she can't hurt you now. Drop the walls" it was a profound thing to hear from your child. Permission to let it go.

Of course it's never that fully simple. That was our relationship. Abuser and victim as that's all I had ever know with her. I couldn't go no contact because it's complex and messy. So if I had her my life. That was the rules of our shitty game.

Nodding to all these posts. On the surface we were a perfect family. Well fed, nicely dressed, decent house. BUT we weren't allowed opinions or choices - even over little things. We weren't allowed to make a noise. This came out on a Parenting course when I realised that we don't talk at mealtimes because my father wouldn't allow us to. My DM used to frighten neighbouring children with my DF.

Mother controlled me with my hair. She hates long hair and was always threatening to cut it short, as well as cutting off chunks when she could get away with it. Other girls at school would take their hair down on the way home. I didn't dare as she'd threaten to cut it short at the band (pony tail or plait).

As a pre teen I tried asking her about my periods, which had changed from 3 days to 5. She accused me of "messing about", her euphemism for sex. This theme then continued until I left home.

She always gave the impression she was jealous of me. She was hyper critical and sarcastic and plays the guilt card. She doesn't accept any of it and always says they did their best. Worse still is she still does it.

I really relate to "I’m convinced I’m better than most people while at the same time not good enough." I think that just about sums me up. I read a thread like this and feel I shouldn't complain because other people had it much worse... I am hugely intolerant of other people, mainly because they don't conform to the standards I have to live up to. I have zero self esteem. I've been with DH for over 40 years and been desperate to leave for about 30 of them but had no confidence I could survive on my own.

I hope I've been a better mother than mine was. I suppose I couldn't really have been worse. I'm conflicted these days between dreading her dying and hoping she does so I'm free of her. Is that really bad?

Please look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunction families - it shares common traits of children who where abused by parents. It will resonate op - it helped me in many ways - I'd had 12 years of psychotherapy which helped heal some trauma but Adult children helped me equally too - i had a lot of grieving to do. It's not our fault xx

'I was explaining this to ds when he was about 17. He said to me "she's an old lady now miles away, she can't hurt you now. Drop the walls" it was a profound thing to hear from your child. Permission to let it go.'

Love this so much, when our children are kind and understanding and help us heal.

I feel like a ghost, an observer. I see 'normal' life all around me but I'm not part of it.

People pleaser, putting others first always, staying in one sided friendships, also hyper independent and never ask for help or lean on anyone.

^ This. I'm always astonished when other people do exactly as they please even if it involves not doing what other people want. I also recently (at the grand old age of 58) realised that I still avoid doing things that will enrage my family, like having a nice holiday, or wearing something nice, or even looking too nice. I need to try to overcome that instinct, at least if I can recognise I'm acting on it (which I don't always realise).

I too was emotionally abused by my mother. I read your opening post and felt like I could have almost wrote it myself including the feeling of self worth now.
Im 46 years old and still struggle. I have zero confidence, am a huge people pleaser and I suffer from depression, anxiety and it overthink every single thing I say and do.
My mother would call me fat, useless and that no one would ever want me. I also had to do my own laundry and remember hand washing underwear the trying to dry it in the microwave.
I had just 1 bra as a teen.
She would ignore me for weeks on end for no reason including on family holidays. It was as if I didn't exist.
I have been no contact with her since they kicked me out the house at the age of 17 and it was honestly the best thing I ever did but those core values have stayed with me until now.
I have an amazing husband and beautiful children but I would love to have a bit of self worth and confidence.
If anyone finds that magic wand please wave it my way

I had specialist psychological child abuse therapy (nhs) in my late twenties following severe PND with my first child. It's taken another 15 years and it's still a daily battle to not feel rejected unwanted and unloved, thinking everyone will leave etc. but it does get better little by little. It takes a long time though.

A relentless feeling that there is something terribly wrong with me at a core level, feel a kind of self disgust. Afraid all the time. Depression and anxiety, eating issues, low self esteem, chronic people pleaser, hyper vigilant. Doesn’t feel like there is a way out and I wonder what the point of my life is. Mostly I feel tired.

@Speagle no contact and low contact has helped me too. It's incredibly difficult at first but I notice how as time passes I love and value myself more. I also don't believe all the negative voices from family any longer because they're distanced from me. A problematic ex whom I have to co parent with is in my very Low Contact category more recently and it all helps immensely. It's simply scary because it can mean letting most people go. The pay off is however great. I also have a love and connection with animals and nature in a profound way now. Because I was forced to look there. I now see how wonderful that is.

I'm most happy with animals, trees, plants and minimal interaction with good kind people. I'm happiest this way. Years of therapy helped me see the reality of my dysfunctional family and the additional mirror types I also attracted outside family.

I very much recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube OP. It might resonate. I appreciate narcissism is thrown around alot, however, I absolutely believe that dysfunctional abusive parents are usually high up in dark triad traits such as narcissism and sociopathy. Not all, but very many.

I feel so unworthy of anything. Married a man who treats me even worse (emotional, sexual, a little financial abuse). Feel ugly and useless. Desperate to avoid my sons feeling like I do, am constantly looking for the good, trying to show them that they are valued and valuable. Slowly falling apart. Want to leave but the youngest is mid exam courses and I am not sure I actually believe myself capable of solo survival. If I did go, I would have to go back to my parents.

@sendismylife are you on the stately homes thread?

I'd be calling Women's Aid for practical advice regarding planning an exit down the road.

If you've grown up in a dysfunctional abusive dynamic, you will be frightened of being incapable of coping. That's part of the brainwashing. Your husband will perpetuate it using guilt and fear and obligation ( FOG). It is a fear that isn't true. To survive this through childhood and again now, says you are incredibly strong.

Even if it's a year away, maybe it's a possibility you can leave. Not to your parents.

I am not on that, no. Not sure if I would qualify - although we did go to a lot of National Trust houses.
Last time I spoke to Women’s Aid they said that they were chronically busy so couldn’t help me as he wasn’t violent.

That's a pretty grim response from WA.

Seeing a therapist privately, a very wise older lady, for about 15 years has been the rock that enabled me to make big decisions and get out of horrible situations.

Your self esteem will be absolutely battered. If you can find escape somewhere,through private therapy, this could help you alot. Good ones will provide financial concessions.

I grew up in a toxic house. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive to us all- still is at the age of 34 emotions abusive to me and I’m trying to cut the cord and step away (easier said than done when my mum and my sister are still living there, I’m trying to find them somewhere else to live)
I feel now I’m a bit of people pleaser, scared of rejection. I also have awful anxiety which is crippling most days.
another thing I notice I do is if my partner is a bit quiet I automatically think it’s because of me and I’ve done something wrong

with my kids I’ve tried so hard to be the complete opposite, in some ways people would say I’ve spoilt them. I also never really heard I love you as a child… I’m constantly telling my children and my partner that I love them I sometimes worry it’s too much and I get on their nerves.

Am having counselling now, but have to pay the upper rate due to household income over £30000, despite explaining how hard it will be to find and hide the expense.

All the negative feelings/behaviour on this thread. Plus drug addiction, suicide idealation and now chronic pain disorders.

I have type 2 diabetes which my dr feels is stress induced and other painful (and permanent) health conditions. So tired all the time and feel guilty for being lazy.

I've read alot of Gabor Mate recently. I now really do believe there's a lot of truth in the origin of many health problems coming from trauma, childhood dysfunction especially.

The best thing I watched was a piece where he said learning to say no can be the change in your life. Choose guilt over resentment every time. That's the best short piece of advice I've taken on board in a long time.

Resentment eats you up. Guilt won't because it's imposed upon us, usually in an unfair and toxic way during our childhood and is therefore not a true valid response of our own.

It devastates me that people do this to their children. Why have them if you are just going to treat them that way? It never makes sense to me. People can choose not to have a child. If they are going to despise parenthood so much, why do it?
I’m so sorry OP and all those who have had rubbish childhoods because of parental abuse.

This thread has made me feel things. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I relate to so much of it.

I left home determined to not live the life I was born into and my childhood/teen years which were tough. I have succeeded at that, surpassing my own expectations with partner/child/house/job/travel.

But I still don’t feel like I’m enough. Like others have said, I objectively KNOW im good, but have really low self confidence, self esteem, imposter syndrome and have a constant fear of messing things up and losing everything I have worked hard for. I also was a people pleaser and always worried about others feelings and feeling responsible for that.

Those latter things have resolved with age and experience and I actually think the independence I have as a result of my earlier years is an asset. The others I manage by reflecting on what I have achieved and telling myself what I know to be true. On the (rare)occasion where I do get compliments and positive feedback (outside of my family), it feels incredible but a little awkward and I don’t know how to handle it. The main concern I have now is the ceiling this creates for me in the workplace, as I feel success at the highest levels doesn’t lend itself to the characteristics I possess. I’m working on that as I don’t want to be held back by things that happened decades ago.