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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you want to reconnect with cousins after this?

80 replies

eastendegal · 05/08/2025 11:16

At 16/17 I kind of went through a typical teenage phase drinking, boys etc and as result of this I was disowned by my cousins and older siblings.

They themselves would do everything I was doing but because they were older (in 20s and 30s) they had a massive issue with it.

Cut a long story short I had to leave home and went through homelessness etc but I found myself and met an amazing man who happened to be very wealthy and have been with him since I was 22, I’m now 33.

We have 2 kids together with a third on the way.

I only have contact with my parents.

My siblings and cousins have tried to reconnect with me over the years but I just can’t forgive them for how they treated me and how I suffered a lot of verbal abuse at their hands especially from my sister.

My parents visited over the weekend and we took pictures which my mum posted on social media and it again prompted a reaction from a cousin who wants to meet up.

Nobody was there for me (apart from my parents) when I really needed them and was alone but now all of a sudden they want to reconnect after all these years.

They could of asked my parents for my number earlier, (cousins didn’t even ask for my number it was only because our parents were going on holiday and my mum asked my cousin to text me so I know they landed ok).

I am not interested as I feel it’s too late.

AIBU?

OP posts:

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 05/08/2025 11:22

Fuck ‘em.

FriendIsAngry · 05/08/2025 11:27

Maybe. Maybe not.
Do you think they’re only interested because your husband is wealthy?

Is it possible that you are massively minimizing what you were up to as a teenager. As the mother of 16/17 year olds, the activities that would lead to them being homeless are not “typical teenage phase” at all. Are we talking about angry? uncontrollable? Criminal? disruptive? Violent?
That also suggests to me that perhaps you are unaware/don’t care about the impact this would have had on your sibling, and how horrific it must have been for them, and your parents.

You have obviously changed somewhat since that time, perhaps they have too? You can find out if you want, and if they haven’t no harm done.

Fen476 · 05/08/2025 11:56

You're not interested and it's not unreasonable to not want to meet up with people that have previously treated you badly.

MYled · 05/08/2025 11:56

YANBU at all OP

dogcatkitten · 05/08/2025 12:00

We don't know what really went on, but surely only your parents could make you homeless? Blaming it on siblings or even more of a stretch cousins seems odd.

Radiowaawaa · 05/08/2025 12:00

Personally I would want to meet to hear their version on the situation. You might be able to clear the air but you might also be able to correct any thoughts that they misunderstood at the time which led them to cutting contact.

GentleSheep · 05/08/2025 12:01

You should at least give them the time of day. Perhaps you'll get an apology? Can talk things through now you've all matured more?

Namenamchange · 05/08/2025 12:02

I think it depends, when you say disowned, what would they say? I have a family member who was a drug addict. I had to step away for my own health, and couldn’t watch what was happening to them. So I guess it depends on the circumstances and what their opinion of what the situation is.
Just to add too, no one is perfect, and people make mistakes, maybe your cousins made a mistakes just like you did.

if you think they are just after money, then no way.

suburberphobe · 05/08/2025 12:05

Do you think they’re only interested because your husband is wealthy?

My thoughts too.

Alltheoldpaintings · 05/08/2025 12:05

What you describe does not sound like typical teenage issues at all, so I wonder how much insight/ownership you have into quite how bad it was and how that would have impacted on other members of your family?

In any event you have changed since then, so maybe you should consider that they have changed too - for all you know they want to meet up to apologise for mistakes they made back then.

In your shoes I would at least meet them once, hear what they have to say and then consider where to go next. It must be very hard on your parents having their children unable to talk to each other at all, if there’s a chance to reconcile it would be worth exploring.

KrisAkabusi · 05/08/2025 12:17

It's hard to understand how your cousins made you homeless or why you are blaming them for everything that happened. It's fairly obvious that whatever you did wasn't just normal teenage behaviour. Your cousins must have been remote enough from it that they can't have had a major influence on you or your parents.
Only you know how badly they behaved, but it seems extreme to me to refuse contact with them, based only on what you have said so far.

The poster above who talks about people changing has a point.

Original poster

eastendegal · 05/08/2025 13:34

I wasn’t into drugs or criminal activities.

I was just going out, drinking and dating boys.
My siblings and cousins all did this at uni etc.

There was a lot of abuse.
My cousin once strangled me and my dad had to get him of me.

I was threatened to have all my hair shaved off.
They went all through my mobile phone and broke it (I was 18 and legally an adult by then).

I was slapped and kicked.

Most of them all have kids now who are similar age to what I was back then and they are all doing the same thing but none of them have been abused like I was.

My cousins are extremely wealthy and look their nose down on everyone and I think they only want to know me now as I “fit in” and not “turned out to be a junkie”.

I carry a lot of scarrs from their comments and abuse.
I was 18 whilst they were all in their 20s and 30s

OP posts:

Original poster

eastendegal · 05/08/2025 13:37

They seemed to of mellowed out with age and since having their own children.

It’s just hard for me to forget how I was treated and when I really someone to be in my corner - they wasn’t and now all of sudden they want to know me.

I am civil, I saw everyone at a family funeral 3 years ago but that feeling was still there.

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 05/08/2025 13:44

Your updates paint a very different picture. From what you've now posted, fuck them. You're under no obligation to do anything with people who treated you like that.

Namenamchange · 05/08/2025 13:56

Absolutely not. They do not deserve a second chance, and you are right to steer clear. I take back my previous comment.

This shouldn’t have happened to you, your parents should have acted and protected you. Tbh I’m surprised you are in contact with them if they are still in contact with your cousins.

FriendIsAngry · 05/08/2025 14:01

That obviously paints a different picture.

I am still confused as to why you ended up homeless though, and why someone who tried to strangle you was allowed to get away with it.

Original poster

eastendegal · 05/08/2025 14:14

I ended up homeless because my siblings had ganged up on me and on returning from a night out I was told to leave and not come back.

My parents were asleep upstairs at the time.

Yeah my cousin got away with strangling me.
My parents often say that they felt scared by the rest of the family.
My dad himself was bullied by cousins dad as a kid.

It just seems to be a cycle of bullying in the family by the elders.

I am very particular who I have around my kids and have made it clear that none of my siblings or cousins will ever meet my kids (after they have repeatedly asked to meet them).

OP posts:

AlwaysBelieveTheEx · 05/08/2025 14:20

That all sounds awful!
Definitely fuck em. You don’t need that back in your life.

Thanksman · 05/08/2025 14:22

Be happy you’re free of them Op.

Hellohelga · 05/08/2025 14:26

No I wouldn’t want family like that around me or my kids.

purplecorkheart · 05/08/2025 14:29

No no way. I would not want these people around me, my partner or my children. I would block them on everything and tell your parents not to give them updates on you or your family.

Lafufufu · 05/08/2025 14:41

@eastendegal
Fwiw I am in the Fuck 'em camp.

This is so bizarre and extreme! The strangling is crazy...

are there cultural factors at play?
(ie. Your family are religious)

You.sound like you habe built a good and happy life away from them. Dont let them bring their ugliness back into your life and dont let them within a mile of your dh or kids

GRex · 05/08/2025 14:44

You're clearly minimising what you did, and your cousins didn't make you homeless. It suggests to me some concerning personality traits that you dodge accountability. You don't need to keep in touch with anyone if you don't want to though, regardless of who did or said what, so by all means step away if that pleases you more.

Enough4me · 05/08/2025 14:44

OP what benefit would knowing them give to you?

It sounds like you are in a secure family and don't need reminding of the difficult period of your life.

Original poster

eastendegal · 05/08/2025 14:46

@GRex
I have just explained what happened, I am not minimising anything.
All this stated when I was 16, I don’t think it’s acceptable or right for a 30 year old man to be strangling a 17 year year old girl.
Does that sound right to you?

OP posts:

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