Would you want to reconnect with cousins after this?

[eastendegal]

At 16/17 I kind of went through a typical teenage phase drinking, boys etc and as result of this I was disowned by my cousins and older siblings.

They themselves would do everything I was doing but because they were older (in 20s and 30s) they had a massive issue with it.

Cut a long story short I had to leave home and went through homelessness etc but I found myself and met an amazing man who happened to be very wealthy and have been with him since I was 22, I’m now 33.

We have 2 kids together with a third on the way.

I only have contact with my parents.

My siblings and cousins have tried to reconnect with me over the years but I just can’t forgive them for how they treated me and how I suffered a lot of verbal abuse at their hands especially from my sister.

My parents visited over the weekend and we took pictures which my mum posted on social media and it again prompted a reaction from a cousin who wants to meet up.

Nobody was there for me (apart from my parents) when I really needed them and was alone but now all of a sudden they want to reconnect after all these years.

They could of asked my parents for my number earlier, (cousins didn’t even ask for my number it was only because our parents were going on holiday and my mum asked my cousin to text me so I know they landed ok).

I am not interested as I feel it’s too late.

AIBU?

You’re not refusing to meet up with them, you’re actively protecting your family from some deeply unpleasant people. If they were just old friends rather than relatives, you wouldn’t think twice about cutting them off - don’t let genetics cloud your judgement.

This is good advice

Sorry didn’t see your updates. Yep fuck that!

So firstly I think you're not unreasonable to not connect with anyone you don't want to. You've had bad experiences in the past and understandably you feel hurt and very wary of them. So I'd just avoid them. Block them on SM so you can't receive their messages etc. Then if your parents post pics you won't see the responses from them.

The way you describe what happened though it very strange - I have never heard of anyone being banished by their siblings whilst their parents were asleep and their parents not getting them back. If one of my kids banished the other I'd go ballistic at the one who had done this and immediately go and find the missing one. I think 99% of parents would! I don't see why you parents weren't more involved and why they didn't protect you.

In summary you sound as though you've been really hurt by them - however that happened and whatever their views would be on the matter - so stay away and block to minimise any trauma to yourself.

Mine also !! it depends on how you feel about reconnecting with them, if you do decide to reconnect just be prepared for it not working out, no expectations then if it doesn’t work out at least you know you’ve tried.
Probably a lot of water under the bridge and you’re not the same person you were. We have different perspectives as we get older and have families of our own. Good luck whatever you decide

You don't want or have to meet with them. Keep your peace and be happy.

Agree.
Your parents allowed you to be abused and scapegoated.
They are not decent people.

My parents are people pleasers and are not the kind of people to stand up to anyone.

Whilst all this was going on they were upstairs sleeping and even afterwards they didn’t ask me to come home as they were too scared of my older brothers and feared for my safety as it was getting pretty bad with the violence.

In a way my parents have taught me how NOT to be with my own kids, I will always protect my kids and put them first.

I maintain low key contact with my parents as they were the only ones who weren’t horrible to me, they did try to stop the abuse I.e me being strangled.

Even now I refuse to have anything to do with my siblings despite them attempting to reconcile with me.

When my first child was born my siblings wanted to come with their for Christmas 3 weeks after I gave birth and when I told them bluntly that they were not welcome in my home or around my child my mum begged me to reconsider this as she said “Just in case you need help just be civil with them” like they don’t really grasp how strongly I feel and how much I have been scarred from what happened.
She tells me “to forget it and move on”.

I just feel too much has happened and the time when reconciling May of been an option has long gone.

I feel quite traumatised even thinking about it so I guess it would be even worse seeing them in their house.

Your parents haven't changed OP.
They didn't protect you and are not to be trusted.
Focus on your family that you have built and leave your siblings in the past.
Low contact with your parents is wise.
Consider therapy to make sense of this awful trauma you have suffered and carry.

You don't know the difference between of and have.

I knew you were South Asian from reading the first post - you should have stated that then for the others.

Your parents were involved in making you homeless, don't fall for the lie they were so scared of the others.

They could have given you money.

You were embarrassing your family - they hypocritically were doing the same things but probably in secret and were older.

You shouldn't even keep in touch with your parents, never mind asking us about your other abusive birth family members.

Your 2nd post and the one at 15.05 paint a very different story from your opening post, which people will still answer without reading the rest.

However, I agree with others about you minimising your parents' role in all of this. It is a parents role and responsibility to make sure their children are safe, are housed, and are looked after, not siblings or cousins.
Your parents didn't do this, and yet you see them and don't seem to hold them responsible in any way.

I’ve changed my mind about hearing them out and hearing what they have to say after your more recent posts.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by protecting yourself and your children.

I’m guessing all of the siblings and cousins are male?

Did typing the first sentence of that post make you feel good about yourself? Because it makes you sound insufferable and unkind to anyone reading it.

So what?!

You're a far more forgiving person than me for choosing to have your parents in your life after they allowed your siblings and cousins to abuse you and throw you out of their house (being asleep is no excuse, they could have brought you home as soon as they found out and kicked your brother out instead if he was a danger to you. They failed you at a very young age).

I hope you're surrounded by people who love and care for you now, and that you never have to see any of their horrible faces again

The males were responsible for the physical violence.

The females were verbally and emotionally abusive especially my older sister.

I do minimise my parents role on this and people are absolutely right about that.

I haven’t forgiven them, I keep in low contact because of the years my dad had cancer and
was not in the best health,I do still care for them even though that wasn’t reciprocated when I needed them.
They have over the years attempted to make amends and tried to help me.

Because they weren’t the one hitting me and saying nasty things I direct my anger at the ones who did if that makes sense?

Hi Op no don’t go back they treated you like shit no point you meeting up you can’t forgive them or forget keep as you. don’t give them any time they don’t deserve it. You have a good life and your own family don’t let back them in. They had plenty of time to apologise and they didn’t. Don’t put your kids through that you got this far without them.

No I'd leave it alone now. Don't open yourself up to more abuse.

Stay strong OP. I would not be letting these people back into my life, and certainly not into my children's lives.
If your parents try to pressure you to do so, be firm with them, and reduce contact with them too if they don't listen.

OP you absolutely do not need these people in your life. Stay strong and enjoy the love that surrounds you

Yep!

OP, please don't invite them back into your life so they can continue the cycle with your own children in your previous role.

You don't need them, your children don't need them and even when you met them at that funeral, you felt no connection so you also don't want them in your life.

If you let them back in to your life, there will always be those many years of shared history between them that you weren't part of, so it will always be you (and your family) on the outside really.

Move on, be happy with your husband and children.
They are the people who love you.

You owe them nothing, and frankly you owe it to yourself not to make yourself vulnerable to these awful people again. Being related is meaningless. They’ve treated you badly. You don’t have to justify it. Just carry on as you are and ignore all attempts to contact you. Don’t get drawn into any discussion with them about why you don’t want to be in touch, just just stay away. I’m glad to hear things are going better for you now.

You've done so well at escaping from this life. I knew you would be Asian heritage from your OP.
Be strong. Stay away from them all. Abusive cunts. Break the cycle and teach your kids different. They will bring nothing good to you or your kids lives.

I'm so glad things worked out well for you. Your family (except your parents) sound very abusive, there is no excuse for treating you the way they did. I would guard my happiness and have nothing to do with them. If you let them back into your life they could harm your marriage or your relationship with your children.
They'be already shown you what they think of you.