To be worried about my son’s emotional development

[AlertEagle]

My child has just finished year 2, school report was great but had a meeting with school to talk about his emotional wellbeing at school. Teacher said he gets upset easily and cries, struggles with friendships. She says some days he is absolutely fine but most days he struggles with his feelings. He can be mean to friends and when they are mean back to him he runs to the teacher to say they don’t want to play with him when in reality he’s the one who’s starting things and ends up in tears. School thinks it’s attention seeking and emotional disregulation. He went to a holiday club this past week and they said at times he argues with other children and perceives the situation as in someone is being mean to him when in fact he is also being mean. For example he refused to hold a child’s hand then decided he wants to hold his hand, then the child didn’t want to hold hands anymore so he told an adult the child is being mean to him which isn’t true. I’ve watch him play with other children and he can be just fine and play nicely but the moment someone does something he doesn’t like he struggles. For example there was a child who joined the big swing he was on with his friends and the other children started saying swear words to everyone, my son asked him to get off the swing and the child said no. I said you get off and you can come back later he said no he is swearing he should get off not me.

another examples there is a girl who bosses children around and that triggers him. He’s constantly shouting at her to stop and leave him alone. Another girl takes things from him and runs around wanting him to chase her and he doesn’t like it he ends up shouting at her to stop as well. When this happened I told him just let it go don’t chase her don’t pay attention to her go play with someone else, she’s not very nice. Another mother overheard and said it’s my son being mean by shouting instead of saying nicely, I told her he did ask her to stop 3 times and she didn’t.

He doesn’t have any send so I don’t have any support from school but constant telling of how he is doing at school.

oh and another examples there was a kid kicking my son my son asked him to stop he didn’t so my son shouted at him then the teacher turned around and told my son off for shouting I saw the whole thing and told her what happened she said she will tell the others kid parents.

so far I’ve told my son to walk away when he feels he will shout at someone. He promises me all the time he will be a good boy but every time it ends up with teacher telling what’s happened. I feel like walking on eggshells

Where is the being mean and telling tales coming from? He's learned that from someone. Siblings, TV, close friends, cousins? When did this all start? Of they think it attention seeking, why? Does he get much time with you? His Dad?

Does sound like he needs support in managing his emotions, and learning how to walk away / manage these kind of situations. Wondering if there is anything online that could help (for you I mean, to help him). Maybe role play some situations regularly and talk through any incidents and maybe role play what he should have done.

My ex has a real issue with responding appropriately to challenge (well he has no problem at work, so he can do it) and it ruined our relationship and I know he is having problems in his new relationship too. So is important to tackle it at a young age. Hopefully someone has some good resources to help.

Your examples don’t match the behaviour you initially described. Your examples show him reacting to bad behaviour (and you probably agreeing with him). Isn’t the bigger issue the situations in which he causes the initial issue and then doesn’t like the other child’s response? What have you done to address that with him?

I agree the samples you give aren’t the same as the examples the teacher is giving. The ones you give sound completely fine to me and normal- he’s upset because someone else has been mean.

the teachers examples say that he is causing the upset, and then crying the other child has done xyz.

I also think he’s still a young child and it could jusy be a phase! I wouldn’t listen to much at this point to works like ‘emotional dysregulation’ etc which to me are a bit over the top. I think everyone is different and children develop differently- see if it lasts.

‘It’s a nice way of saying that he’s being a bit of a bully and your OP is littered with excuses of what all the other horrible kids are doing to your dc. With you permanently making excuses for your dc’s behaviour, this situation isn’t going to change.

It needs explaining to him much more than just walk away, he doesn't have the emotional control to walk away so you need to tap into some other strengths he has to help him find an appropriate response. I would go with trying to develop his empathy as someone with low emotional control usually has good empathy as they are related. He doesn't like being wrong so you need to get past it being about him being wrong.

Your descriptions of what you've witnessed don't match what the teacher is telling you.

Sounds like he is acting like this because you can't fathom him doing any wrong, and he's realised it. So he is copying your thoughts - all the other kids are wrong, not him. He can't fathom him doing any wrong either.

The first step is perhaps accepting that it's not just other kids being mean to yours, but your kid is in the wrong first too at times. Next step is making him realise that.

Actually this is a good point. He does sound like a bit of a bully, and then can't take it when the child defends itself. Maybe they have always been like this, but now that the other children are older they are fighting back and he's not used to it

His reactions sound valid tho......the kid sounds fine. Just needs to stop hanging round with arseholes who kick him.

Sounds like the teacher and holiday club have raised a valid issue but you’re refusing to see it. Or you pretend to see it but are (deliberately or not) using examples where you know people will side with your son and tell you the issue isn’t real.

It can simultaneously be true that your child has poor social skills and is a tattle tale instigator a lot of the time, but also there are occasions when other children do treat him badly.

None of the examples you give are relevant to the behaviour the teachers have asked you to work on. They’re good example of a different social skill he’s struggling with (reacting appropriately to genuine provocation) but not relevant to what the teachers think is most important (provoking others and being a tell tale).

I thought that. The examples are nothing like the initial description of the behaviour.

Children learn to respond by saying others are mean to them.

Does he get his way a lot at home? Is he an only one who never has to accept its someone else's turn to choose dinner or he can't always have what he wants on the tv?

Also don't ever say "she's not being very nice" - that's where he is learning to report that other children aren't being nice.

Say things like "i think she just wants to play, DS. If you don't want to, just say calmly "i don't want to play thanks". Don't comment on other childrens behaviour unless they are doing something dangerous you need to warn him not to copy. If children are pushing in for example, do not say "they are being mean pushing in" just reinforce the correct behaviour to your DS "never mind what the others do, you make sure you wait your turn".

I don’t think he sounds like a bully. It sounds to me more like he is possibly misjudging social situations. Do you think they might be suggesting that he has neurodiverse traits OP? Sometimes black and white thinking, sense of justice (e.g. swearing on swing situation) can be linked to this.

It is hard to tell from your post! The strength of his reaction is important and you will have a sense of this.

He can be mean to friends and when they are mean back to him he runs to the teacher to say they don’t want to play with him when in reality he’s the one who’s starting things and ends up in tears. Have you got any examples of what he does that is 'starting things'? Your examples are mostly reactions.

another examples there is a girl who bosses children around and that triggers him. He’s constantly shouting at her to stop and leave him alone. Could be reaction, or overreaction - hard to say - does he ask the girl not to boss him about then shout, or just immediately shout?

Another girl takes things from him and runs around wanting him to chase her and he doesn’t like it he ends up shouting at her to stop as well. I don't think he did anything wrong here. School should tackle the girl taking possessions.

oh and another examples there was a kid kicking my son my son asked him to stop he didn’t so my son shouted at him then the teacher turned around and told my son off for shouting I saw the whole thing and told her what happened she said she will tell the others kid parents. Your son did nothing wrong here.

For example he refused to hold a child’s hand then decided he wants to hold his hand, then the child didn’t want to hold hands anymore so he told an adult the child is being mean to him which isn’t true. This is annoying but just keep repeating your message, not uncommon for 7yo to report.

It sounds like a school with general behaviour problems and a teacher not coping.

Teacher said he gets upset easily and cries, struggles with friendships. She says some days he is absolutely fine but most days he struggles with his feelings. What is the teacher doing to help him?

For example there was a child who joined the big swing he was on with his friends and the other children started saying swear words to everyone, my son asked him to get off the swing and the child said no. I said you get off and you can come back later he said no he is swearing he should get off not me. He's not enjoying the bad behaviour of others here, but struggling to learn to walk away. But again, what did he actually do wrong?

School thinks it’s attention seeking based on what? This is a classic dismissive statement, but all children seek attention, sometimes for important reasons.

and emotional disregulation. Massive leap at this early age!

Will he have a different teacher next year? If so, pick this up but also consider moving schools as the school doesn't seem to be doing anything sensible and you describe general bad behaviour from all the children.

You are saying he doesnt have SEN but I think you might find he does. My daughter is very academic but struggles socially. She has a strong sense of right from wrong. She will tell other kids off if they are doing the wrong thing. She likes to be in control. She wants to play the game her way. She is a few years ahead academically but socially she isn't age appropriate. The school think it's autism.

I agree with this.

The teacher is telling you he doesn't understand when he's had a part in instigating the bad situation he finds himself in. Every example you've given shows that you don't believe he's had a part in the situation either. Putting it bluntly, somehow youre raising him to believe he's the victim in everything.

When a child shouts at him, chases him, encourage him to think about why that might be. Use neutral language, do not automatically blame the other child.

'Why do you think she's chasing you?'

'Perhaps she wants the toy, what do you think?'

'It seems like the boy is upset, why do you think that is?'

And encourage him to try to sort the problem hinself-

'Tell him he can have the toy as soon as youre done and you will come to find him straight away to give it to him'

'Tell her you will play but that you dont like the shouting so please stop'

'Tell her you dont want to play right now but will let her know if you change your mind'

Obviously if something is downright naughty or dangerous teach him to remove himself.

Basically you want a child who can work out why the other child is doing what they are doing and will try to resolve the situation on their own without telling an adult.

And definitely no more 'thats not nice'. He's copying the lazy labeling of valid behavior.

Definitely encourage him to sort himself and discourage "telling".

I had a phase of actually punishing my kids for "telling" non serious things. It worked.

If he comes telling that someone wants the toy he has or whatever, don't express a lot of interest. Don't rush in to help. Prompt with questions to get him to think about what he can do about it "what do you think he might want?", "how could you change the game a bit so he can join?", "can you think of any ways to cheer him up"

The school won't bother, but get your child checked for SEN. Is there a possibility of some sort of delay and or neurodiversity? It does sound like there could well be, OP!

Sounds like he takes any minor rejection very badly and gets angry as a result. That’s the thing you need to try to get to the bottom of and address. Maybe working around empathy and seeing things from the other child’s perspective (ie if someone doesn’t want to hold his hand that doesn’t mean they don’t like him or anything is wrong with him, they just…don’t want to hold hands!).

There is a book called “bullies, bigmouths and so called friends” which really helped my ds at a similar age. He was over-reacting to fairly standard behaviour of other children and making things very personal and getting very upset. He cried a lot in school. My ds was always looking at the negative in other peoples behaviour and centring himself right in the middle of it and some of the stuff we read together in the book really helped. It definitely isn’t a “everyone is mean and you are lovely! They are probably jealous of how marvellous you are and you will show them when you are a stockbroker and they are in prison!” Sort of narrative - more a “think about how your reaction and behaviour escalated this rather benign interaction into you crying and being upset and how can you manage things differently next time”.

I think the most interesting thing in your post is that another parent spoke to you whilst you were placating him and pointed out his bad behaviour. It would take a lot for me to speak up and interfere with another parent sorting out a conflict situation in a park. Maybe reflect on whether your son is genuinely the wronged party in all these instances?

I think previous posters are right and 'telling' is often a form of manipulation. They never start telling on others with 'I hit Jack and then he hit me back', it's only the part where Jack retaliated.

My son is older now but would often have to have games his own way and would get frustrated at other kids not following the rules. It's very hard to explain that you can be right and play on your own, or you can bend a little and have people to play with!

The examples the teacher gave and the examples you gave are different. The teacher describes situations where your son starts things and then reacts badly if anyone retaliates. You described him reacting poorly to situations created by others.
But the common factor is your so sons inability to emotionally regulate and lacking social skills to manage/pre empt situations.
some ways you can work with him-
age appropriate books on emotions/friendships
feelings cards/ worksheets
worksheets on how to manage tricky situations- you could write down a situation plus several solutions (some good some bad) and ds picks out what he would use.
use social situations as a way to role model positive behaviours
If ds has a older cousin or similar you could role play some scenarios

twinkle has some good resources although you have to sign up
there may be free printable on line
theres some great feelings cards I’m going to Google the name

i would ask the teacher what they are doing to support. I would expect some small group social stories /interventions. It no good them just telling u after the fact . You can do great work at home but if he’s not being scaffolded at school it’s going to have less impact

He needs to learn to focus on himself, centre himself, walk away. Try and teach him techniques to calm down himself and remove himself from situations and see these things coming. How is he after school? Is he explosive at home? What does he do to calm down at home, eg play something alone.
All children need to learn to happily play alone on the playground to centre themselves, ideally. Try and give him the tools to do that. We cannot control the behaviour of other’s only ourselves. He is a driver in his own car, he is steering his own car. He does not need to tell off and police others and tell on them. That is the teacher’s job.

Can’t edit the emotions stuff is zones of regulation