Page 4 | To be worried about my son’s emotional development

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 05/08/2025 11:48

patchworkronnie · 05/08/2025 10:19

I’m a children’s professional- this is one of the traits we’d focus on when querying neurodivergence. OPs son might not be upending tables or biting, kicking, scratching others or stimming in the corner somewhere but if he’s neurodivergent, then he’s neurodivergent and his difficulties will likely become more pronounced as he gets older. Ffs, stop trying to pretend you’re a professional and know better.

Show quote history

Oh please, spare me. He's acting like some other kids might and this should be able to be fairly easily resolved. I'm genuinely disturbed if you're a professional and so quick to label someone like that. Do you get a commission or some kind of kick back on each diagnosis you make 🤨

Original poster

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 11:51

FortheloveofCheesus · 05/08/2025 11:14

I said why didnt you want to hold hands and he said because the child was pulling his hand to get out of the line and the adult had to tell the other child off, so the other child got upset because my son told on them and they didnt want to hold hands anymore and my son was upset they dont want to hold his hand anymore.

See when he gives this response, you need to not really dwell on why it happens or the fact that he's upset by it, focus on teaching him he shouldn't have told on the other child? If someone is pulling, he just needs to let go of their hand if its hurting or say, please don't pull. If it's just someone pulling unconsciously as they turn to see another friend etc can he just be a bit tolerant of it or give them a gentle tug back into line? The key message he needs to absorb is to stop running to adults for everything and to learn to manage interactions with peers by himself.

Ask him why the other child might not have wanted to hold his hand - help him see that him telling on them & getting them into trouble over something not very significant, won't make them want to hold his hand

Thank you I like your response I will implement it with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 11:55

thornbury · 05/08/2025 11:21

Does the school have an ELSA trained TA who can do an intervention with him? You might also want to explore Zones of Regulation by Leah Kuypers. Can your son recognise and name his feelings?

They do have a group who works with the school, however I applied for it but they didn’t accept it. They said there are a lot of children with very complex needs in school so he doesnt meet their requirements. His class has a high number of sen children with autism and one with severe aggression towards staff and children.

OP posts:

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 05/08/2025 11:56

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 10:19

Yes I asked him about the incident with the child and the hand holding. I said why didnt you want to hold hands and he said because the child was pulling his hand to get out of the line and the adult had to tell the other child off, so the other child got upset because my son told on them and they didnt want to hold hands anymore and my son was upset they dont want to hold his hand anymore. But the adult said because my son didnt want to hold their hand first he shouldnt be upset.he goes to 2 clubs one is swimming the other is football he is fine there no issues.

Show quote history

But did you then ask him why he changed his mind and wanted to hold the child's hand and why he then got upset that he didn't want to? I do feel you are only focusing on one part and if so it's not surprising your DC is also doing this. Have a break and re-read the thread with fresh eyes, better yet do it with a friend so you can discuss it with someone in RL

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 05/08/2025 11:58

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 11:55

They do have a group who works with the school, however I applied for it but they didn’t accept it. They said there are a lot of children with very complex needs in school so he doesnt meet their requirements. His class has a high number of sen children with autism and one with severe aggression towards staff and children.

Show quote history

Ylou can do this on your own. Talk to your son and you should be able to get to the bottom of his thoughts, feelings and behaviour and hopefully posters can help you with material as well

Original poster

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 12:01

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 05/08/2025 11:58

Ylou can do this on your own. Talk to your son and you should be able to get to the bottom of his thoughts, feelings and behaviour and hopefully posters can help you with material as well

Show quote history

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:

PennywisePoundFoolish · 05/08/2025 12:03

As he does ok in structured groups, then like a PP suggested, look into Beavers/cubs for a bit more unstructured socialising.

He doesn't sound like he's extreme, and a lot of DC struggle to negotiate the nuances of when to tell and when not.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/08/2025 12:07

Alpacahacker · 05/08/2025 07:13

I don’t think he sounds like a bully. It sounds to me more like he is possibly misjudging social situations. Do you think they might be suggesting that he has neurodiverse traits OP? Sometimes black and white thinking, sense of justice (e.g. swearing on swing situation) can be linked to this.

This. And he sounds like he could have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

School says he’s ’attention seeking’🙄

Lafufufu · 05/08/2025 12:27

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/08/2025 12:07

This. And he sounds like he could have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

School says he’s ’attention seeking’🙄

Show quote history

🙄🙄🙄🙄

Original poster

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 16:06

PennywisePoundFoolish · 05/08/2025 12:03

As he does ok in structured groups, then like a PP suggested, look into Beavers/cubs for a bit more unstructured socialising.

He doesn't sound like he's extreme, and a lot of DC struggle to negotiate the nuances of when to tell and when not.

I will check into Beavers, we’re currently sat at a soft play and hes made two new friends and playing with no issues, I wonder if something in the school setting sets him off or he becomes overwhelmed or carried away or acts silly but will work on role play and using calm voice.

OP posts:

Xapis85 · 05/08/2025 17:50

BlueRin5eBrigade · 05/08/2025 07:19

You are saying he doesnt have SEN but I think you might find he does. My daughter is very academic but struggles socially. She has a strong sense of right from wrong. She will tell other kids off if they are doing the wrong thing. She likes to be in control. She wants to play the game her way. She is a few years ahead academically but socially she isn't age appropriate. The school think it's autism.

This could have been written about my daughter. Exactly the same situation and I thought the same when I read the OP!

Original poster

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 17:57

Xapis85 · 05/08/2025 17:50

This could have been written about my daughter. Exactly the same situation and I thought the same when I read the OP!

Show quote history

Like I said it happens in a school setting with particular children not all children and not all the time. He doesnt like to lead games and to play games in a certain way like your daughter does. Hes not ahead of his learning but his report is fine. He doesnt struggle socially every day some days he’s perfectly fine.

OP posts:

Spinmerightroundbaby · 05/08/2025 18:44

AlertEagle · 04/08/2025 23:17

My child has just finished year 2, school report was great but had a meeting with school to talk about his emotional wellbeing at school. Teacher said he gets upset easily and cries, struggles with friendships. She says some days he is absolutely fine but most days he struggles with his feelings. He can be mean to friends and when they are mean back to him he runs to the teacher to say they don’t want to play with him when in reality he’s the one who’s starting things and ends up in tears. School thinks it’s attention seeking and emotional disregulation. He went to a holiday club this past week and they said at times he argues with other children and perceives the situation as in someone is being mean to him when in fact he is also being mean. For example he refused to hold a child’s hand then decided he wants to hold his hand, then the child didn’t want to hold hands anymore so he told an adult the child is being mean to him which isn’t true. I’ve watch him play with other children and he can be just fine and play nicely but the moment someone does something he doesn’t like he struggles. For example there was a child who joined the big swing he was on with his friends and the other children started saying swear words to everyone, my son asked him to get off the swing and the child said no. I said you get off and you can come back later he said no he is swearing he should get off not me.

another examples there is a girl who bosses children around and that triggers him. He’s constantly shouting at her to stop and leave him alone. Another girl takes things from him and runs around wanting him to chase her and he doesn’t like it he ends up shouting at her to stop as well. When this happened I told him just let it go don’t chase her don’t pay attention to her go play with someone else, she’s not very nice. Another mother overheard and said it’s my son being mean by shouting instead of saying nicely, I told her he did ask her to stop 3 times and she didn’t.

He doesn’t have any send so I don’t have any support from school but constant telling of how he is doing at school.

oh and another examples there was a kid kicking my son my son asked him to stop he didn’t so my son shouted at him then the teacher turned around and told my son off for shouting I saw the whole thing and told her what happened she said she will tell the others kid parents.

so far I’ve told my son to walk away when he feels he will shout at someone. He promises me all the time he will be a good boy but every time it ends up with teacher telling what’s happened. I feel like walking on eggshells

I think you should be pleased that you have a child who is able to express his feelings and emotions without resorting to getting physical. That isn’t a failing - that is a credit to you. His feelings are valid and if he feels a particular way that’s okay. I think there are two issues here 1) helping to manage his misperceptions and 2) helping him to express his emotions without shouting or withdrawing. They are two distinct issues even if they are linked.

In terms of 1), the worst you can do is try hard to correct his misperceptions and tell him he was wrong. It’s better to start by empathising with how he feels (about the perceived wrongdoing of another), ask him some questions and get him to gently question his own thought processes. The hand holding example - you could ask oh did X ask to hold your hand? I was just wondering how they might feel if you said no. How did it make you feel ?

In terms of 2) one of my children used to be a shouter about everything a child had done (sometimes true and sometimes a misperception). I told her to talk about how she feels without shouting and maybe for some things whisper in my ear or go and tell a teacher how they feel. The swearing example… you could empathise with that and then talk through a different way of doing things, but carefully so, so it doesn’t feel like you’re telling him he was wrong. Just give some different perspectives/strategies in an age appropriate way.

Twilightstarbright · 05/08/2025 20:47

My DS is similar but a year older. DH has been brilliant at working with him- role playing, reading books on friendship and explaining what he could have done differently. We don’t let him rule the roost- we actively model turn taking on choosing things and we don’t let him win when playing uno, guess who, top trumps etc.

He has improved a lot- I think as a PP said a lot of the nuance around when to escalate and what to tolerate is hard for him to learn, but he mastered the times tables which other kids struggle with- they all have their strengths and weaknesses!

All credit to my DH, I was flummoxed how to help him but he has been brilliant. He said it was because he struggled with social communication as a child and had to learn it as he grew up whereas for me it came much more naturally so I’m not as aware of my behaviours.

Ruby1985 · 05/08/2025 20:54

BlueRin5eBrigade · 05/08/2025 07:19

You are saying he doesnt have SEN but I think you might find he does. My daughter is very academic but struggles socially. She has a strong sense of right from wrong. She will tell other kids off if they are doing the wrong thing. She likes to be in control. She wants to play the game her way. She is a few years ahead academically but socially she isn't age appropriate. The school think it's autism.

Obviously we aren’t doctors to diagnose, but I would defo go down the route of potential SEN

Playgo · 05/08/2025 20:56

He does have some SEND; he has communication and interaction needs (one of the four areas of the Code of Practice). He needs support with perspective taking, understanding and resolving disagreements, considering others’ points of view. Fellow children’s professionals above make some good points, and I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss them.

GiveDogBone · 05/08/2025 21:35

Is there a father figure in the child’s life?

Wowwee1234 · 05/08/2025 21:48

Focusing on solutions here.

Try finding some books that demonstrate the type of behaviours you want from him and spending plenty of time reading them together.

Check your rewards system - do you focus attention when he is being quiet and well behaved or attention seeking? Refocus on only engaging in the positives. Only.

See if you can look at identifying emotions too. Get the nursery involved in this. There are various resources out there for that.

Speckly · 05/08/2025 23:42

AlertEagle · 05/08/2025 09:18

when I tell him if is your fault for them doing this to you because you did x,y,z to them he says you dont love me, you hate me. 🤯

Show quote history

And what do you say then?
I teach pupils with behaviour difficulties and have done for 15 years.
Your response should be something along the lines of “Of course I love you. You’re being silly now saying that but you need to think about what I’ve said. If you didn’t do x, y, z, they wouldn’t do x, y, z”. Repeat what you’ve told him clearly because he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you! He may not be old enough to realise that’s what he’s doing but I imagine he usually gets a much softer response when he says something along these lines because he makes you feel bad.
Do you give in to his every request, even if he’s changed his mind? For instance, if you went to hold his hand and he said no and pulled away, but then he came back 2 mins later saying he wanted to hold your hand, would you let him? This is the time where you need to tell him that yes, you will hold his hand because you love him, however he did really hurt your feelings by saying no to you originally. Give him scenarios where other people may have said no because he’d been unkind when they’d tried to hold hands originally. He needs to understand the impact and consequences of his unkind or thoughtless behaviours. If he reacts negatively to you saying this kind of thing to him, you need to be strong and not give in to any manipulation. This is what good parenting is about…

Sparkies2012 · 06/08/2025 08:18

Lafufufu · 05/08/2025 09:13

I'd be very concerned too.
This is how life's "professional victims" behave. They centre everything on themselves, take everything personally and DARVO situations.

So I'd want to put in changes now now.
Role playing situations and practicing losing might be helpful...

In terms of your language I'd be using something like
"They dont want to play. Leave him alone and find someone else"
"He doesnt want to hold your hand now because you were rude before and wouldn't hold his. If you arent nice to people this is what happens. Now, lets keep your hands to yourself and stop complaining"
"If you hadn't done X, then y wouldn't have happened and you wouldnt be upset now. Next time do Z instead okay?"

And dont accompany it with any of the "oh poor you! i know its hard 😪" nonsense. Be very matter of fact

Edited

To be honest it’s ok if he didn’t want to hold another child’s hand. We should be teaching our children it’s ok to say no if you don’t want physical contact, and not just do it to be nice or not appear rude. I always hated when people told my son, go hug so and so (older relatives, cousins etc.)

Lafufufu · 06/08/2025 09:26

Sparkies2012 · 06/08/2025 08:18

To be honest it’s ok if he didn’t want to hold another child’s hand. We should be teaching our children it’s ok to say no if you don’t want physical contact, and not just do it to be nice or not appear rude. I always hated when people told my son, go hug so and so (older relatives, cousins etc.)

Show quote history

Agreed. Body autonomy is important.

In this case i read it as him (similar to my daughter tbh) being difficult and contrary and saying "no i dont want to do this - telling the teacher on the other child) THEN after all that fuss wanting the thing they rejected which is game playing

Wildefish · 06/08/2025 09:52

AlertEagle · 04/08/2025 23:17

My child has just finished year 2, school report was great but had a meeting with school to talk about his emotional wellbeing at school. Teacher said he gets upset easily and cries, struggles with friendships. She says some days he is absolutely fine but most days he struggles with his feelings. He can be mean to friends and when they are mean back to him he runs to the teacher to say they don’t want to play with him when in reality he’s the one who’s starting things and ends up in tears. School thinks it’s attention seeking and emotional disregulation. He went to a holiday club this past week and they said at times he argues with other children and perceives the situation as in someone is being mean to him when in fact he is also being mean. For example he refused to hold a child’s hand then decided he wants to hold his hand, then the child didn’t want to hold hands anymore so he told an adult the child is being mean to him which isn’t true. I’ve watch him play with other children and he can be just fine and play nicely but the moment someone does something he doesn’t like he struggles. For example there was a child who joined the big swing he was on with his friends and the other children started saying swear words to everyone, my son asked him to get off the swing and the child said no. I said you get off and you can come back later he said no he is swearing he should get off not me.

another examples there is a girl who bosses children around and that triggers him. He’s constantly shouting at her to stop and leave him alone. Another girl takes things from him and runs around wanting him to chase her and he doesn’t like it he ends up shouting at her to stop as well. When this happened I told him just let it go don’t chase her don’t pay attention to her go play with someone else, she’s not very nice. Another mother overheard and said it’s my son being mean by shouting instead of saying nicely, I told her he did ask her to stop 3 times and she didn’t.

He doesn’t have any send so I don’t have any support from school but constant telling of how he is doing at school.

oh and another examples there was a kid kicking my son my son asked him to stop he didn’t so my son shouted at him then the teacher turned around and told my son off for shouting I saw the whole thing and told her what happened she said she will tell the others kid parents.

so far I’ve told my son to walk away when he feels he will shout at someone. He promises me all the time he will be a good boy but every time it ends up with teacher telling what’s happened. I feel like walking on eggshells

These are also signs of an over sensitive child, which could also have ADHD does he show any other signs of ADHD like obsessions, impulsiveness, not being able to understand a joke and take everything literally. My grandson is the same (nearly 6) but is getting better with lots of praise and explaining how to play with friends and not to be unkind.

Original poster

AlertEagle · 06/08/2025 18:04

Wildefish · 06/08/2025 09:52

These are also signs of an over sensitive child, which could also have ADHD does he show any other signs of ADHD like obsessions, impulsiveness, not being able to understand a joke and take everything literally. My grandson is the same (nearly 6) but is getting better with lots of praise and explaining how to play with friends and not to be unkind.

Show quote history

no no other signs of anything.

OP posts:

Wildefish · 06/08/2025 19:36

AlertEagle · 06/08/2025 18:04

no no other signs of anything.

Show quote history

Then it’s probably just his personality. Nature is 25% nurture 75% so taking to him and explaining the other person point of view.

Original poster

AlertEagle · 11/08/2025 13:54

Wildefish · 06/08/2025 19:36

Then it’s probably just his personality. Nature is 25% nurture 75% so taking to him and explaining the other person point of view.

Show quote history

Yes it could be his personality, I’m working on trying to help him develop coping strategies when he is in a conflict with another child. I’ve had a positive feedback from the holiday club last week, they said he’s been fine no issues. Thanks to everyone who offered their advice, I have written everything down and it has helped him :)

OP posts: