To be worried about my son’s emotional development

[AlertEagle]

My child has just finished year 2, school report was great but had a meeting with school to talk about his emotional wellbeing at school. Teacher said he gets upset easily and cries, struggles with friendships. She says some days he is absolutely fine but most days he struggles with his feelings. He can be mean to friends and when they are mean back to him he runs to the teacher to say they don’t want to play with him when in reality he’s the one who’s starting things and ends up in tears. School thinks it’s attention seeking and emotional disregulation. He went to a holiday club this past week and they said at times he argues with other children and perceives the situation as in someone is being mean to him when in fact he is also being mean. For example he refused to hold a child’s hand then decided he wants to hold his hand, then the child didn’t want to hold hands anymore so he told an adult the child is being mean to him which isn’t true. I’ve watch him play with other children and he can be just fine and play nicely but the moment someone does something he doesn’t like he struggles. For example there was a child who joined the big swing he was on with his friends and the other children started saying swear words to everyone, my son asked him to get off the swing and the child said no. I said you get off and you can come back later he said no he is swearing he should get off not me.

another examples there is a girl who bosses children around and that triggers him. He’s constantly shouting at her to stop and leave him alone. Another girl takes things from him and runs around wanting him to chase her and he doesn’t like it he ends up shouting at her to stop as well. When this happened I told him just let it go don’t chase her don’t pay attention to her go play with someone else, she’s not very nice. Another mother overheard and said it’s my son being mean by shouting instead of saying nicely, I told her he did ask her to stop 3 times and she didn’t.

He doesn’t have any send so I don’t have any support from school but constant telling of how he is doing at school.

oh and another examples there was a kid kicking my son my son asked him to stop he didn’t so my son shouted at him then the teacher turned around and told my son off for shouting I saw the whole thing and told her what happened she said she will tell the others kid parents.

so far I’ve told my son to walk away when he feels he will shout at someone. He promises me all the time he will be a good boy but every time it ends up with teacher telling what’s happened. I feel like walking on eggshells

I think he's struggling with emotional regulation and handling social situations.
I think he also struggles when other children don't follow 'the rules'. That's typical black and white thinking.

None of this sounds like attention seeking - I hate that term anyway because if children are attention seeking then it's because they need more attention. It sounds to me like possible ASD that may not become obvious until he gets older. It might not be, it might just be his age (I thought that about DS too though who was diagnosed at 11). I would just keep it in mind for the future as a possibility.

@AlertEagle You say there is no SEND but the behaviour you describe sounds very similar to DS so some of the same strategies may be helpful?

DS has ASD and has an steely definition of right and wrong, good and bad etc. He finds it very distressing when other people don't follow the rules too.

We try to have conversations later on aling the lines of "I wonder if the little girl was trying to start a game of chase but wasn't sure how", "it's sad that the little boy was swearing, I hope he isn't having a very bad day. I'm glad that when we have bad days we can (insert your calm down activity of choice)".

We stay away completely from statements like "she is naughty" and try to get him to at least look at the grey area even if he completely rejects it and sticks with his original thoughts on the matter.

Also it doesn't sound like sen to me especially. The behaviours you describe are quite common at 5/6 and more indicating how parents/caregivers have responded to him in the past. Children are inherently quite self centred and have to be socialised. People have fewer kids than they used to, with bigger age gaps, its increasingly common to see 4 or 5 years olds who don't have a sibling old enough to challenge them for toys or force them to take turns choosing a tv show. In these instances its important everything doesn't revolve around them at home or they expect the world to revolve around them and are disappointed when it doesn't.

Agree with this. My DC also struggled with this but absolutely great academically, recently diagnosed with ADHD as struggled at home and with emotional regulation. My DC also has a strong sense of justice and would tell tales.

He walks away most of the time, have a quiet time. Yes I’m lost at it because school identified this but didnt offer support they said there are children who need supp More than him and cant help him atm

My examples are from my observations and seeing it with my own eyes. We’ve talked about walking away, ignoring when something is upsetting him, talking to an adult or going to play with someone else.

It doesn’t matter if he has SEN and I speak from experience, but it doesn’t give license for OP to only see what she wants to. Now is the time to get involved and work with the school and proactively manage this behaviour.

I’ve given the examples because of what I’ve seen with my own eyes, teacher gave me a an example that he also starts arguing with some children. She said its usually the children he doesnt get along with so not all children but still. She said he’s attention seeking because often he wouldn’t do his work but if she goes to him and give him her attention he would do a beautiful work. At home hes an only child

My DC also has a strong sense of justice and would tell tales.

Both mine were like this at this age. No sen and no ND. We had to change certain approaches in our parenting (and acknowledge our parenting style was definitely a contributing factor). When we changed how we responded the behaviours improved no end. We were fortunate my sister had experienced the same with her older DC and gave us sound advice.

In reception we had similar feedback to what op describes about eldests emotional/social skills. By year 2 after changing how we responded, we got reports saying he was a mature, popular member of the class and actually better than most at resolving social issues.

My takeaway is always look to how you can adapt your parenting before assuming its SEN/ND at such a young age.

At home hes an only child

Could have guess this.

Make sure he isn't always getting what je wants at home and has lots of opportunities to turn take etc. Board games with you & DH, don't always let him win. Organise play dates where he'll need to share toys etc, take turns choosing, resolve conflicts. Spend time with cousins or neighbouring children.

Lots of only children are used to a high volume of one on one time with an adult and take time to adjust to less attention at school.

Have a look at emotion coaching. Sounds like he needs help on how to manage feelings, him promising he'll be a good boy isn't going to help if he has no strategies to cope! I'm an SEN teacher

Hea very happy when I pick him up, he plays fine at the park with the friends hes got from his class and hes also made friends with some older children from his school that he plays with.

I'd be very concerned too.
This is how life's "professional victims" behave. They centre everything on themselves, take everything personally and DARVO situations.

So I'd want to put in changes now now.
Role playing situations and practicing losing might be helpful...

In terms of your language I'd be using something like
"They dont want to play. Leave him alone and find someone else"
"He doesnt want to hold your hand now because you were rude before and wouldn't hold his. If you arent nice to people this is what happens. Now, lets keep your hands to yourself and stop complaining"
"If you hadn't done X, then y wouldn't have happened and you wouldnt be upset now. Next time do Z instead okay?"

And dont accompany it with any of the "oh poor you! i know its hard 😪" nonsense. Be very matter of fact

No i dont agree when he is wrong thats why I created this thread for some advice. Yes I believe the issue is him creating a situation and then unhappy with the outcome.

School said there is no bullying it’s him creating a situation and then unhappy about the result. He doesnt hit, swear or threaten there are no concerns over that

Ive posted examples of me seeing how he is communicating. Other children get teased as well but dont react like him so I made this thread asking for help

when I tell him if is your fault for them doing this to you because you did x,y,z to them he says you dont love me, you hate me. 🤯

Fwiw I dont think he is bullying other kids either... he just being high maintenance and a bit of a pain

The "you hate me" would get a "No i love you and you know that. Mummy's job is to help you and I am helping you now by teaching you. This isnt a good way to behave and you should listen to mommy. shes smart and you are 6"

Could you give me some examples of how you changed your parenting with your child.

He’s either Autistic or has ADHD or both. Get him assessed.

The school is doing a ILP but they don't seem to be taking it particularly seriously. She's so academic and well behaved at school the school don't seem to care about whats going on at home at all. CAMHs refused the GP referral stating lack of evidence. How did you manage to get diagnosis? The school is saying autism but I wouldn't be surprised if it's ADHD as well. I also think the youngest has the same issues.

He isn‘t school confirmed that. Not everything is asd and adhd hes got a behaviour issue and i posted for help not for stranger to diagnose him on mumsnet

We dont have issues at home it happens at school. Its not every day some days they said hes been great others not so much.

Does he attend any structured clubs? I think age 7ish, free-play can get a bit like you describe, as they're still developing social skills, and some may be ND.

There was a little boy in my older DCs class who had a reputation for being naughty, but when we were at a party, he was the best behaved child there. The other DC were trying to blame him for stuff, it was quite an eye-opener of how even 7 year olds create a scapegoat!

example he refused to hold a child’s hand then decided he wants to hold his hand, then the child didn’t want to hold hands anymore so he told an adult the child is being mean to him which isn’t true.

Did your son talk about that holiday club incident? I think it's a good talking point about he was entitled to say no, but the other child was within their rights to change their mind too.

Ffs. Have you read the OP. He has some behaviour issues, they're not even that major. Stop using Autism or ADHD as an answer to everything!!! People like you ruin it for genuine people!