Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

[NewcastleNancy]

A friend has been married a long time

Her husband is getting older now and struggling to find work and then have big money worries. He's 10 year older and wants to retire. But can't as they can't afford it.

They have also both had health worries. Him at the moment. Her in the past. Because he isn't earning much she has had to work full-time and is angry about it.

She told me she is having an affair and wants to end the marriage. But only if affair partner will rescue her. His wife has found out and he ended it but then he started it again.

She has always been unfaithful and lined up the next one before ending the current relationship. This will destroy her husband.

I am finding this so hard. I ended my marriage and went through much pain. Never once did I consider another relationship until I was free and single.

She and I just seem to have different morals.

AIBU to distance myself from her?

She’s “always been unfaithful”

have you been “utterly sickened” back then too?

I guess you can end any friendship for any reason.

I would tell her exactly why though. Don't just ghost her because that's spineless.

How long has she been having the affairs for?

Why are you bothered?

She and I just seem to have different morals.
AIBU to distance myself from her?

she has always been unfaithful
so you’ve know about this for years

how come got your pants in a twist this time?

People do have different morals, but they also have different marriages, and nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors

Perhaps it's just become more obvious this is a pattern of behaviour rather than a circumstantial situation.

Admit it, you want her DH.

I'd have nothing to do with this 'friend'. Abhorrant behaviour. Angry because his illness and age are preventing him from full time work, when presumably his employment was keeping them afloat during her illness.

She sounds like a disgusting individual with low morales. Absolutely I'd be distancing myself. By being a soundboard for her she's likely justifying her actions (telling herself you're ok with it.).

Frankly you can't be much of a friend. She's not happy in her marriage and is having an affair. It's not the best thing in the world morally but to say your utterly disgusted is an extreme overreaction. You say she's always been like that. So why the sudden repulsion?

YANBU to distance yourself from her for whatever reason you want but this being this hugely moral issue is just another reason since you’ve always known she’s been unfaithful before and it was never a big moral issue for you then.

Another one of those threads where the poll doesn’t reflect the opening comments.

I’d distance myself, she sounds horrendous and cheating is now widely regarded as abusive behaviour, removal of informed sexual consent, removal of personal agency, risk of STIs along with gaslighting, minimising, manipulation and lying.

I’d have ended the friendship a long time ago.

I had this with a friend. I understand how it can drag on. Tolerated it for years as she stayed with her DH and was a troubled person who was quite destructive due to childhood trauma, but she then started another affair with one of his friends and it was the last straw for me. I just eased away from her. She’s still with DH and still being unfaithful but I don’t have to listen.

I think you should end the friendship. You have judged your friend and found her guilty and decided she is immoral, so there is no benefit to either of you in continuing. You are better without her, because you won't have to associate with a person you no longer respect, she is better without you, because we need our friends to have empathy and understanding for us, not secretly think we are awful people.

Looks like a many few on here are on your friends side.
Odd thing is if this was the husband cheating it would be a completely different thread of comments.
Op fizzle out of the friendship and let a cheater be you should have done it years ago but never mind do it now.
Dont get dragged down with the drama.

I think posters are failing to see that this friend has always been unfaithful

but the Op for some reason only now has taken the moral high ground

Huh?

the op says her friend has always been unfaithful and had the next one lined up.

She sounds awful. YANBU

Because of the pain it will cause the husband, the lack of any kind of care and because her "friend" appears to have the morals of an alley cat I would think

She sounds like a horrible person. I wouldn’t continue to be friends with her.

I ghosted a friend because of her being unfaithful to her husband. She honestly was promiscuous outside of her marriage, very difficult to be around.

I think I understand how you feel, OP. I have at times found it hard to respect people who aren’t in any way independent, expecting a partner to support their lifestyle (usually of no work). I suspect this is what doesn’t sit well with you because you did the more difficult thing of taking responsibility for yourself, working and paying the bills alone.

In the long term, independence serves people well in life. I have seen it in the elderly people I know. The ones who aren’t completely dependant on a partner fare better when they are ultimately on their own.

Looks like many on here are on your friends side. Odd thing is if this was the husband cheating it would be a completely different thread of comments.

100%. Then it would be LTB!

Can't quite believe people are siding with someone being an actual liar and a cheat - and condemning the person questioning their morals as a 'bad friend'. Says a lot about people's (lack of) standards.

OP - I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Maybe just distance yourself gradually and hopefully she'll get the message.

No you are not. I knew someone like that. Always lined up the next one..Yuck.

Utterly sickened? How much time do you spend with her that this is even really on your mind?

As long as you do fun things as friends.and she isn't just a general mood hoover, I don't think I could work myself up about someone else's love life.