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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

133 replies

NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 15:21

A friend has been married a long time

Her husband is getting older now and struggling to find work and then have big money worries. He's 10 year older and wants to retire. But can't as they can't afford it.

They have also both had health worries. Him at the moment. Her in the past. Because he isn't earning much she has had to work full-time and is angry about it.

She told me she is having an affair and wants to end the marriage. But only if affair partner will rescue her. His wife has found out and he ended it but then he started it again.

She has always been unfaithful and lined up the next one before ending the current relationship. This will destroy her husband.

I am finding this so hard. I ended my marriage and went through much pain. Never once did I consider another relationship until I was free and single.

She and I just seem to have different morals.

AIBU to distance myself from her?

OP posts:
Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 16:06

NewcastleNancy · 05/08/2025 15:51

You have summarised it nicely.

Previously I have only suspected. Although when we were in our 20/30's I knew she was cheating on her first husband but didn't think too much about it then and wasn't close to him especially.

But things build up over time. I do generally err on the side of - we are all humans and not perfect.

But this time i actually bumped into them all dressed up and she never mentioned it again. And she posts everything so I was instantly suspicious.

When I saw her recently she started telling me how bad her marriage was I had already noticed she never posted or mentioned her DH anymore. So I asked if there was anyone else and she confessed.

I'm going to keep a low profile until it all plays out.

I think what she is doing is awful but I also get why. She is trying to improve her life by jumping into someone elses.

But as others have said and I agree, he's already ended it once and his wife knows. I can't think any good will come of it and she will also get hurt.

It just feels so unnecessary and messy and it sickens me.

Also she made sacred vows. This feels like the in sickness and in health and for richer and poorer and for better or worse - is only one way.

Thanks for your reply. I realise I didn't explain it very well.

Show quote history

So has she actually admitted the affair to you? How did she do that?

Mountainviewatsunset · 05/08/2025 16:41

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 15:30

It is curious to have known about multiple affairs running concurrently over the years and sucked it up, but now “disgusted” about it

whatever. Once you’re “disgusted” by a friend Op, safe to say…. It’s time to distance oneself!

That’s not what she said. They weren’t concurrent affairs.

Op said that after the friend was in a new relationship, she became aware there was some overlap between boyfriends. That is sadly very common - especially when younger.

out of interest, how do you think she should react? Does she need to overlook it now because she overlooked it in the past?

What would you do differently? I’m curious

Mountainviewatsunset · 05/08/2025 16:45

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 15:29

You @Mountainviewatsunset said that poster was “angry” not that the poster thinks you are “angry”

Show quote history

Apologies - it was the incorrect use of an exclamation mark by @Decafcoflove

but as an aside, the accusatory tone of the questions she is asking does make it sound like she is angry at the OPs response

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:48

I've distanced myself from friends with dubious morals before. IMO you can't be friends with someone whose morals are worse than yours. It makes you too different.

HeyThereDelila · 05/08/2025 16:55

Why are you still friends with her? She sounds awful. Her poor husband.

coxesorangepippin · 05/08/2025 17:22

Bit of an overreaction to be sickened

Original poster
NewcastleNancy · 06/08/2025 12:02

To answer a few questions. I asked her when she told me her marriage was in a bad place. I said I saw you with X. She admitted it.

I am as sickened by this knowledge as I would be if my DH had cheated on me. Whilst I have not been betrayed in this way, it triggers me. I only need to come on here to see the great pain it causes people. And their children.

But also I worry for her - I think her motivation for pursuing this man is that he will rescue her financially and I fear things are about to get worse. I don't sense he will go though an expensive divorce for her either. His wife knows and he has already ended it once.

So I feel very torn also.

We are in our 60's and meet very occasionally - usually organised by me. It will be easy to distance myself but I actually wonder if I need to see her more to try and influence/support her.

I posted because I wanted some views to help me think it all through.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/08/2025 12:53

I really think you need to distance yourself. Her trying to get this man to rescue her is her avoiding taking responsibility for herself. I’m sorry but she’s just not a nice person. She’ll do huge amounts of damage to other people to serve her own wants. I know it’s hard when you’ve been friends for a long time, but if you drop her now, in a year you’ll look back and know you made the right decision. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of things. Ultimately, dishonest and disloyal people are just like this, it’s who they are. Do you honestly think she’d show any loyalty to you if it went against her own interests? If she thought your husband was the best person to save her do you really think she’d give a shit about the impact on you? In her head she’ll be justifying it to herself somehow. Bad people don’t view themselves as bad. They just think they’re clever and everyone else is as self serving as them but not clever enough to do the things they do.

Original poster
NewcastleNancy · 06/08/2025 13:32

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/08/2025 12:53

I really think you need to distance yourself. Her trying to get this man to rescue her is her avoiding taking responsibility for herself. I’m sorry but she’s just not a nice person. She’ll do huge amounts of damage to other people to serve her own wants. I know it’s hard when you’ve been friends for a long time, but if you drop her now, in a year you’ll look back and know you made the right decision. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of things. Ultimately, dishonest and disloyal people are just like this, it’s who they are. Do you honestly think she’d show any loyalty to you if it went against her own interests? If she thought your husband was the best person to save her do you really think she’d give a shit about the impact on you? In her head she’ll be justifying it to herself somehow. Bad people don’t view themselves as bad. They just think they’re clever and everyone else is as self serving as them but not clever enough to do the things they do.

This is such sage advice and has really made me think. You are so right that she could justify anything. Thank you!

OP posts:
Aout25 · 06/08/2025 14:06

NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 17:16

I think it bothers me as her husband has been so kind and welcoming. But now is in decline and this will hurt him so much. I wish I didn't know also. I feel complicit.

I'm happily married so not after him :)

I ended a marriage. It did cause hurt but I did my best to make it less painful. I think having an affair, or not, is a choice. Makes it (the end) less painful for you but more painful for the other person.

I think it bothers me more as we are all in our 60's. When she was younger and lined up the next one, I got she didn't have the confidence to be alone and it bothered me less. Plus her ex's always bounced back.

But I don't see her very much so can easily distance myself from it all.

I don't feel judgemental so much as morally triggered.

'Morally triggered'

🙄🙄

you're in your 60's, leave that wank speak to your grandchildren.

in your 60's id expect you to ask your friend WTAF she thinks she's playing at? Her AP had the opportunity to leave his wife & ask her to leave her DH to be with him, he didn't, he (I assume) grovelled around his wife, making all kinds of apologies & promises,.. because he didn't want to lose their life together. (Possibly adult children & grandchildren than
his wife, now he's again wanting his cake & to eat it). Maybe he's told her he loves her & wants to be with her, but doesn't want to risk losing his family...) so they're never going to be together properly & she's risking losing the lovely husband she does have.

Hm17 · 06/08/2025 14:09

Slowly distance yourself from this life wrecking cunt.

CinnamonBuns67 · 06/08/2025 14:14

Yanbu I wouldn't want to be a friend to a person like that.

LlynTegid · 06/08/2025 14:18

You could decide to end the friendship, painful as that may be. Or your low profile decision may lead to it ending gradually or in all but name.

JustSawJohnny · 06/08/2025 14:24

Beaverbridge · 04/08/2025 15:28

Why are you bothered?

You're never disgusted by the actions of others?

MushMonster · 06/08/2025 16:51

ohsososo · 04/08/2025 16:55

That you know of

Show quote history

Yes, that is right.... but I cannot do anything about the ones I do not know of.
Call me judgemental if you wany, but I really lose any interest on people I know have cheated. I find that if they are able to cheat on someone special to yhem, then they could easily enough stab me in the back or take the mick. Better not to risk it!

JMSA · 06/08/2025 16:54

Overtheatlantic · 04/08/2025 15:32

Admit it, you want her DH.

Yeah, because he sounds like such a catch.

JMSA · 06/08/2025 16:55

OP, I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to distance yourself.

Beaverbridge · 06/08/2025 22:18

JustSawJohnny · 06/08/2025 14:24

You're never disgusted by the actions of others?

Show quote history

Yeah sometimes, people will have affairs whether others are disgusted or not. It's a tale as old as time.

JustSawJohnny · 06/08/2025 22:22

Beaverbridge · 06/08/2025 22:18

Yeah sometimes, people will have affairs whether others are disgusted or not. It's a tale as old as time.

Show quote history

Of course, but it sounds like the friend has done this repeatedly over the years and OP knows her DH so it's all very awkward.

I wouldn't blame OP for distancing herself at all.

Roothewheel · 07/08/2025 09:12

When I think about if this was one of my two very closest friends of decades? Who have seen me through so much, with no judgement, just love and support, who have cared for my children, who I have holidayed with, laughed with, cried with….. No I couldn’t end it over this. I’d be there for her. I know it’s not the PC thing to do, and lots of talk of “morals” on this thread but 🤷‍♀️ I love my two friends as sisters and either one of them having an affair would not be the end of our friendship, not even close

Pepperpot3862 · 09/08/2025 18:40

Yep she’s not your type. Let her go n do what she wants. Don’t judge just move on

PlayfulWrangler · 10/08/2025 09:55

In this case it's obvious your friend has no intention of changing & it seems like you're now on different pages. If you continue the friendship, then don't you think you're basically sanctioning her selfish behaviour & compromising your own moral standards? Toxic situation.

Don't ever compromise your own moral standards - for anyone.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/08/2025 09:59

So you ended your marriage, but she’s not allowed to? Being unfaithful is far from ideal but I wouldn’t be so judgey, sounds like she has a lot on her plate. You can tell her you don’t approve and her behaviour is questionable but I wouldn’t be quite so dramatic as to say you are sickened. Life is complicated, she sounds fed up and she’s getting a release. Not right, but she might need her friends.

Freeatlast2 · 10/08/2025 12:12

I would distance myself but I was cheated on by my now ex husband. His AP was married with children and for me it’s the fact that a woman can do this to another woman and also know exactly what chaos will ensue and how many lives will be destroyed. I actually forgave my ex when he confessed and said to him, if you are unhappy, please don’t do this again, just tell me and we’ll part. He lasted 6 months before they resumed their affair which then went on for 3 years ending only because she refused to leave her husband. It resumed again 2 years ago, I found out and we are now divorced. He’s not with her though, he’s with someone else.

Marriages break down, marriages are unhappy, but for the love of god, end them before starting another relationship. It’s a basic courtesy to your spouse if nothing else and a chance to not harm lots of people in the process..plus have a new relationship without it already being tainted from the off.

i also feel the wife of the AP has a right to know her husband is cheating again so she has the opportunity to bin him.

I would be saying to the friend, end your marriage regardless as you’re clearly no longer happy and it’s not fair on the others involved and if you’re not ready to do that then I’ll need to take a step back from our friendship

Original poster
NewcastleNancy · 11/08/2025 10:59

Freeatlast2 · 10/08/2025 12:12

I would distance myself but I was cheated on by my now ex husband. His AP was married with children and for me it’s the fact that a woman can do this to another woman and also know exactly what chaos will ensue and how many lives will be destroyed. I actually forgave my ex when he confessed and said to him, if you are unhappy, please don’t do this again, just tell me and we’ll part. He lasted 6 months before they resumed their affair which then went on for 3 years ending only because she refused to leave her husband. It resumed again 2 years ago, I found out and we are now divorced. He’s not with her though, he’s with someone else.

Marriages break down, marriages are unhappy, but for the love of god, end them before starting another relationship. It’s a basic courtesy to your spouse if nothing else and a chance to not harm lots of people in the process..plus have a new relationship without it already being tainted from the off.

i also feel the wife of the AP has a right to know her husband is cheating again so she has the opportunity to bin him.

I would be saying to the friend, end your marriage regardless as you’re clearly no longer happy and it’s not fair on the others involved and if you’re not ready to do that then I’ll need to take a step back from our friendship

I think it's do as you would be done by. But I also think people who are happily married don't have affairs.

OP posts: