Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

[NewcastleNancy]

A friend has been married a long time

Her husband is getting older now and struggling to find work and then have big money worries. He's 10 year older and wants to retire. But can't as they can't afford it.

They have also both had health worries. Him at the moment. Her in the past. Because he isn't earning much she has had to work full-time and is angry about it.

She told me she is having an affair and wants to end the marriage. But only if affair partner will rescue her. His wife has found out and he ended it but then he started it again.

She has always been unfaithful and lined up the next one before ending the current relationship. This will destroy her husband.

I am finding this so hard. I ended my marriage and went through much pain. Never once did I consider another relationship until I was free and single.

She and I just seem to have different morals.

AIBU to distance myself from her?

She's never admitted to an actual official affair before. But she has had 'cross overs' that she kept quiet and we worked out/realised afterwards.

huh? So what you do know she’s “always been unfaithful” as per your OP
or…. ?

Cheats are selfish scum. If she was my friend she'd have been ditched long ago.

Are you the friend @Decafcoflove ?

you seem very invested. Why the cross examination?

OP has been her friend for years. You pick stuff up over time.

and if she didn’t have 100% proof before, maybe that’s the answer to your earlier question? She has suspected before but now she knows for certain ?

Always smile at comments like that
let me guess if I’m not the friend “are you triggered?” Would be your next question @Mountainviewatsunset 😆

No - my next question is why are you so angry at the OP?

Then, do you drop friends the second they show any behaviour which is less than ideal?

And do you never change your mind about people?

im interested in your viewpoint

you don't find it odd that people question someone being absolutely ok with a cheating friend, to suddenly turn round and be outraged by it?

Maybe her DH is struggling with getting older and sicker she's looking elsewhere for some excitement. Ex friend did this and used me as cover by telling her DH she was away on a girls weekend with me or round my house. I was not impressed by getting caught up in her lies. I think she uses the affairs as a distraction from the mundanity of her marriage and the thought of having to eventually to care for him. NMP

I'd distance myself from a friend who had morals which were in serious conflict with mine.

That said, I think there's usually more to a story than the crumbs someone tells you about.

But this is a conclusion that the OP has come to over years ( judging by their ages, at least 30 years…easily more)

there has been nothing sudden about it.

and it’s not that she’s been fine about her shagging this guy and now she’s not. This affair has angered her because this time it’s different…they are older, she knows and likes friends DH. She has re-started it, despite being dumped.

everyone has a breaking point

I'd step away. Cheating is trashy. I don't particularly care if that makes me judgemental or whatever.

YANBU. She's a selfish people-user. I don't think you owe her an explanation. I'd simply be less available to talk or do things. Let it fade. She should probably be able to guess what the problem is, and if not... Oh well. I wouldn't lose sleep over her possibly hurt feelings, to be honest. You're allowed to end friendships for any reason at all. Not like you took a sacred vow to remain loyal, right? 🙄

It would seem a few on this thread really don’t think that being fine with years of multiple affairs and then suddenly strikes with disgust is… curious

So angry?! Good grief are you so sensitive in RL? Life must be bloomin hard!

I wouldn’t knowingly associate with somebody like your friend, so yes I’d drop her like a hot brick.

OP, having reread all your posts I think I misinterpreted the situation to start with. I took it to mean that she had cheated on her current husband multiple times. Now I’m thinking that it’s that she has usually cheated by starting a new relationship before ending the previous one, but hasn’t done it in a long time as she’s been married.

If I’m right that changes two important things, firstly it’s quite understandable for you to have been more ready to turn a blind eye when you were both much younger, the relationships weren’t as serious, and you were finding out about them after the event.

Secondly, it suggests that her current husband would have been the other man when she was cheating on her previous partner, which I’m afraid does reduce my sympathy for him if he knew about it at the time. We all know that cheaters cheat, and if they’ll cheat on someone else with you, they’ll cheat on you with someone else. Not saying he deserves to be cheated on, just that he may have known what she was like and should have expected it.

Either way, definitely drop the friendship with her. If they do split, you might choose to resume a friendship with him since you say you care about him (obviously be careful not to be dragged into a rebound).

End friendship with this conniving cunt and end it now.
Also, tell her husband. If you find it too daunting to do it in person then use an anonymous note.
We need to come down hard on individuals who openly flaunt their despicable behaviour.
I'm sorry your friend has let you down. It seems you've known her for a long time. But you already know the right thing is to cut her loose and find another friend with better values.

No - I’m not angry. Nor am I the one having a go at someone who has posted for opinions about something going on in her life…I think it might be you being sensitive.

you are being very accusatory in your questioning of the OP and the tone of your questioning makes it appear that you think OP is somehow at fault. Even after she gives very valid reasons for changing her view you are still criticising her stance.

but you don’t give any reasoning or context as to why you think she is being so out of order. So, non one is any the wiser…Would you care to enlighten us?

@Decafcoflove and if you interpret someone saying they’re ‘interested in your viewpoint’ as being sensitive then I think maybe discussion forums aren’t for you

It sounds wrong of her to be having this affair and awkward you know and are having to keep it secret. For me it would depend on the friendship. You are not the one having the affair. If you value the friendship you can do the morally right thing by saying I think you should tell your husband. If youre not bothered about the friendship or find this clash of values makes it impossible then end the friendship.

I think this is one of those posts where people would be reacting quite differently if it was a male friend cheating on his wife, instead of the other way round.

OP, if you dislike the way someone behaves, you don't have to be friends with them. It's that simple. I've no opinion either way on her affair as I don't know her or her husband or the man she's having an affair with, or what's going on in their lives. But I do think it's perfectly OK and normal to cool off on a friendship if your values are so fundamentally different that you find it hard to deal with.

You @Mountainviewatsunset said that poster was “angry” not that the poster thinks you are “angry”

It is curious to have known about multiple affairs running concurrently over the years and sucked it up, but now “disgusted” about it

whatever. Once you’re “disgusted” by a friend Op, safe to say…. It’s time to distance oneself!

You have summarised it nicely.

Previously I have only suspected. Although when we were in our 20/30's I knew she was cheating on her first husband but didn't think too much about it then and wasn't close to him especially.

But things build up over time. I do generally err on the side of - we are all humans and not perfect.

But this time i actually bumped into them all dressed up and she never mentioned it again. And she posts everything so I was instantly suspicious.

When I saw her recently she started telling me how bad her marriage was I had already noticed she never posted or mentioned her DH anymore. So I asked if there was anyone else and she confessed.

I'm going to keep a low profile until it all plays out.

I think what she is doing is awful but I also get why. She is trying to improve her life by jumping into someone elses.

But as others have said and I agree, he's already ended it once and his wife knows. I can't think any good will come of it and she will also get hurt.

It just feels so unnecessary and messy and it sickens me.

Also she made sacred vows. This feels like the in sickness and in health and for richer and poorer and for better or worse - is only one way.

Thanks for your reply. I realise I didn't explain it very well.

For me what sickened me about the friend's affair was that she was very openly treating people terribly. I remember being at her house and went to see where she had disappeared to in the middle of a bbq, and she saw me coming and slammed the door in my face because, as I later found out, she was on the phone to her lover. She lied and said it was just another friend. This was all while her husband was in the house. She married the first one for the family money - but then left him once the second man came along who had enough money to support her lifestyle. It makes me angry because many women try so hard to salvage relationships and try to be good partners wives and girlfriends, and get nowhere. People like her leave a wake of destruction and get everything they want. It just makes me question what the point in being decent is.

Her private life is none of your business and you don't need to feel sickened by that.
Absolutely distance yourself and celebrate your high morals, if it makes you feel better.