To expect DH to still do the night feeds while he’s on paternity leave?

[Mafiauger]

We’ve got a 3 week old and DH is currently on shared parental leave until October. I was under the impression this meant we’d be, you know, sharing the parenting. Instead, it’s starting to feel a bit one-sided.

He’s now saying he needs “proper sleep” so he can “keep the household running.” Not entirely sure what household he’s referring to because I’m still doing most of the cooking and laundry. He does the odd dishwasher unload and took the bins out once without me asking but that’s about it.

Meanwhile I’m up at 11pm, 2am and 4.30am doing feeds, changes and trying to settle baby back down while googling “is it normal for a newborn to grunt like a badger.” Then in the morning he gets up at 8 and says he’s “exhausted” because he heard the baby cry once through the monitor.

He says it’s just until baby gets into a rhythm but this mythical rhythm seems to exist only in his imagination because at this rate it’s me that’s going to break before the baby settles into anything.

To be clear, I’m not expecting him to do everything or for us to be keeping score, but if he’s not working at the moment and we’re supposed to be doing this as a team, then surely it’s fair for him to take half the nights? Or even just one night?

AIBU to think that while he’s on leave, he should be pulling his weight with the actual baby care rather than just having long baths and reorganising the spice rack “to feel productive”?

Or is this just how it is and I need to suck it up until he goes back to work and I have even less help?

If you are bottle feeding he needs to be sharing the feeds... Maybe drop a bottle and dc on him and you turn back over? He should get the message.

Yes he should be doing nights. But he should also be doing more around the house

so just give him the housework, washing and cooking to do and you focus on the baby. Then when he moans he hasn’t bonded you can point out he wouldn’t help

Well I would vote that YANBU MOST DEFINITELY.
He is a lazy so and so.

YANBU. Of course he should be sharing the nights. And the day parenting too. Have a conversation and tell him you can't carry on doing all of the night parentig=ng and he needs to take his turn too. You could present two options to him and get him to choose what is best, and then stick to it. For example either you do one night feed each, or do alternating nights each.

WTF?

Don't suck it up, he's taking the piss. He needs to do his share especially when on paternity leave. Otherwise what's the point of him being on paternity leave?

His paternity leave is to allow you to recover from the physically demanding process of growing then expelling a baby.

So you should do little beyond feeding and cuddling said infant.

He should be doing pretty much everything else because he isn’t working. I mean, how hard can it be to do all the things that need doing whether you’re at work or not, when you are not in fact at work?!

Threaten to go back to work since he isn't using his shared parental leave to actually share in the parenting?
Hopefully he won't take you up on it tho.

Absolutely ridiculous nonsense, he needs an ultimatum and to slam back down to earth. You really need to nip this in the bud before he goes back to work so that he at least understands how tiring looking after a baby is. If he is not involved now then what will it be like then.

Exactly

Stop doing the laundry (well his and houselaundry) stop cooking (unless you want a snack) and leave the dishwasher (apart from your cup and plate).

And you’re only 3 weeks in….

doesn't bode well, does it?

it sounds like he’s treating SHARED parental leave as a holiday.

I’d nip this in the bud right now.

He treatjng it as annual leave by the sounds of it.

I’d say he should still be doing a decent share of the night wakings even if he was back at work. My husband certainly did.

Given he’s on parental leave, it’s pretty disgusting that he isn’t doing it voluntarily nevermind arguing with you when you raise it. Do not let him get away with this, and don’t let him continue to leave most of the housework to you either. Has he only become a lazy shit since the baby arrived, or was he expecting you to do everything before as well?

He is taking the piss. Parental leave isn't a holiday.

Men seem to think it is, though, and that's the real reason they want leave. They thought maternity leave was just a long holiday and wanted a bit of it.

Lol.

Sit him down and lay out all that toy are doing, and that you need help. I ckhdinf at night.

I did all the nights but my husband did literally everything else

What a pathetic arsehole. Dh did more housework than yours is doing and still worked full time. This was pre parental leave just 2 weeks paternity.

He would get up for work, get himself ready, be there for Ds so I could shower and get dressed so even if I crawled back into bed I was already washed and dressed. He would make me lunch and snacks and cook dinner when he came in. In fact when he came in he would take Ds off me, tell me to have some time to myself, make a cup of tea and bring it to me all whilst having a lovely chat to Ds who was literally 3 weeks old.

You are on maternity leave to physically recover from growing a human inside you and recovering from whatever birth you experienced. A long time ago this would be called your confinement where the women in your family would look after you, the house and you would just be there for your baby. Your Dh is meant to be your entire village if you don't have one. We didn't live close to family and Dh was hands on, even when I breastfed he would take Ds in the night, wind him, change him and settle him back to sleep. I just fed him.

It isn't a holiday it is shared parental leave to share the responsibility of parenting a newborn. That means you both get up in the night, either alternate nights or shifts.

That is disgusting

He absolutely needs to be doing his fair share while off work!

And yes it's normal for them to grunt like a badger.. all bloody night.. 😴

If you're bottle feeding, then absolutely he should be taking half the night feeds and doing more around the house. You both need to make the most of the paternity leave, so that you both can take turns in resting. I breast fed, but my husband still got up to help with nappy changing and just keeping me company, whilst he was on leave. Even when he went back to work, if I had a night when I was struggling, he'd still get up, even if it was only moral support.

He needs to go back to work so you get more time on maternity leave. You're going to struggle to get back to work with a young baby as a solo parent. When my DC were 3 weeks old my DH would stay up with baby so I could get some sleep early in the evening, get up early with baby so I could catch some sleep before he went to work. Do night time nappy changes at weekends. All of the cooking, a fair bit of the cleaning and household tasks. Make sure he left me a drink before he left and easily reachable snacks incase I ended up stuck cluster feeding. Your husband is really letting you and your baby down.

Hubs only got two weeks (& he had to split that!) but he waited on me hand and foot for those two weeks and arranged for one of our parents to be around it he wasn’t. I was ebf but once DD was fed, he did the winding & changing so I could sleep.

Your DH is a selfish lazy prick who should be doing far, far, far more than he is.

Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. In fact, stop doing anything except feeding baby (& you if the prick doesn’t make anything ). Hopefully he’ll get the bloody message.

And if he doesn’t, and you are bottle feeding, see if someone will take you out of the house for a few hours. Leaving baby with him, of course, and ensuring your absence covers at least two feeds. Prime your MIL not to rescue him if you can. That ought to shock him into actually pulling his bloody weight. Oh and I forgot - DO NOT leave ready prepared bottles. Make sure the formula is out & there are sterile bottles in view but that’s all.

Hugs, and congratulations on baby, and commiserations on the lazy spare part.

Do you mean how can you communicate with your husband?

Ffs

You mention your DH comments about herring the baby cry through a baby monitor - is the baby in with you and you take them to a different room (where there is a monitor) and that’s what he’s referring to, or are they in their own room already?

he needs to pull his weight. You will be cutting your maternity leave short to allow him to take extended paternity leave - it’s clear he sees this as just done extra holiday from work though. So he pulls his weight or he goes back to work as this just isn’t fair on you or your baby.

One suggestion, if he really struggles with the night wake ups, he stays up to do the last feed before midnight whilst you get an early night. You then do the 2 night wake ups. He gets up with the baby and you get a lie in. You could alternate doing this if he actually gets up (my husband would take so long waking and getting up the baby would be screaming and I’d be wide awake so we implemented the night/morning split).

At just 3 weeks in though, I’d expect him to be bending over backwards to do everything to allow you to recover from pregnancy and giving birth. It doesn’t bode well that he’s acting like it’s all your responsibility. You can guarantee at work he’ll he making out he’s super fucking dad for taking extended leave…. We had one of them at work… but gave himself away when he banged on about how great the timing was to watch the Euros!

Am sorry your H is (so far) doing a crap job of parenting and supporting your recovery from birth.

Night parenting is part of parenting: good fathers and partners do lots of it, including when they are also doing paid work! It’s also not just about feeding.

Hell no. Keep score

I remember the most vivid fights about who got a lie in on what day

He should be taking turns each night. Since he is off. At the least he should be doing late 11pm feed getting up each morning

When my dh worked he would do the 11pm feed while I went to bed earlier at 8pm. I would do the nights qnd he would try and squeeze in q feed and settle before he went to work to let me sleep on.