To expect DH to still do the night feeds while he’s on paternity leave?

[Mafiauger]

We’ve got a 3 week old and DH is currently on shared parental leave until October. I was under the impression this meant we’d be, you know, sharing the parenting. Instead, it’s starting to feel a bit one-sided.

He’s now saying he needs “proper sleep” so he can “keep the household running.” Not entirely sure what household he’s referring to because I’m still doing most of the cooking and laundry. He does the odd dishwasher unload and took the bins out once without me asking but that’s about it.

Meanwhile I’m up at 11pm, 2am and 4.30am doing feeds, changes and trying to settle baby back down while googling “is it normal for a newborn to grunt like a badger.” Then in the morning he gets up at 8 and says he’s “exhausted” because he heard the baby cry once through the monitor.

He says it’s just until baby gets into a rhythm but this mythical rhythm seems to exist only in his imagination because at this rate it’s me that’s going to break before the baby settles into anything.

To be clear, I’m not expecting him to do everything or for us to be keeping score, but if he’s not working at the moment and we’re supposed to be doing this as a team, then surely it’s fair for him to take half the nights? Or even just one night?

AIBU to think that while he’s on leave, he should be pulling his weight with the actual baby care rather than just having long baths and reorganising the spice rack “to feel productive”?

Or is this just how it is and I need to suck it up until he goes back to work and I have even less help?

He can either have complete care of the baby, or complete care of the household, or he can do exactly half of each, anything else is unfair. In fact he should do more that half as you are still recovering from the birth.

Yeah YANBU. With DS1, we took turns sleeping in the spare bed whilst the other did all the night feeds so we had at least one well rested parent. OncecDH was back at work he would still help by getting the bottle while I changed nappy or was rocking him etc and we still took it in turns to feed. If I was struggling I knew I could wake him for help or just moral support and vice versa. You’re in the trenches together.

Dp, I was about to do a load of laundry and put dinner on , then I remembered you said you need to sleep at nights to keep the household running. I’m going to have a nap and look forward to my meal as I was up half the night. Also, I expect you to remember when you go back to work that keeping the household running needs a full nights sleep. Here’s baby, I’m going to grab a good 2 hours as I’m exhausted. Maybe go for a walk after.

My DH worked remotely and freelance when DS was born and so cleared his diary for several months to have his own version of paternity leave. We split everything fairly down the middle - both doing housework etc, both taking night shifts in turn.

What I hadn't factored in, and didn't really recognise in the moment, was the impact of having a very tough birth (forceps, massive PPH) and although DS is 11 now, we talked recently about my lingering resentment that we didn't reallocate responsibilities so I did less than 50% and rested much more, as I was in such a state.

To be clear - I never asked him to do more, and he didn't know I wanted him to - it was our first baby and I thought the way I felt was normal. It was only my much easier recovery from our second baby that made me realise that we'd got it all wrong.

What I'm trying to say is that 12 years on, I am still frustrated by my DS's early weeks, which could have been much easier on us all. Talk openly to him and I hope that he does far better.

You must be completely exhausted. It’s entirely reasonable for you to share the night feeds. We certainly did and it meant that we could each get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep, as one of us took the earlier and one of us took the later shift. My DH only had 2 week’s paternity leave and continued to share feeds when he was back at work. Let’s face it, being at work is less exhausting than caring for a newborn! You need to speak to him about how you are feeling as this problem will only grow. Try to resist the temptation to tell him that he is acting like a child needing to be taken care of though. I hope this improves for you as you really need some support.

He is on PATERNITY leave?
Then yes he is getting during the night. One night on, one night off so you BOTH get a decent night of sleep.

If she worried about ‘keeping the house running’ (😂😂😂), remind him you’re getting just as much sleep as him.

Im curious to know what’s his idea of what paternity leave means and what’s involved in ‘keeping the house running’.
I suspect it would really enlightening if you were to write down all the tasks you’re both doing during the day and then compare…..

YANBU. I know I am lucky because I have a wife but we still take turns. I insist on doing more as I am off at the moment but she took the leave with our first so knows. Is he planning on splitting them when you are back at work..

If you took shared parental leave it seems like you are wanting to co parent. I’d be putting my foot down for equity otherwise he has reduced the amount of time you can have off and you’ll still be primary parent!

The only exception is if he does all the early mornings because he really is much worse at functioning on disturbed sleep. Say you do night feeds & lie in until 10 every day or something. Has to be in discussions with eachother tho!

unless he’s something like a brain surgeon, dangerous machinery operator or roofer then his need/want for sleep is no more important than yours. In fact yours is more important since you are postnatal and need to recover.

I took the ‘this is my job at the moment’ path and changed it after my mental and physical health plummeted and after a couple of near misses for accidents with DC1 (eg crossing roads without looking properly and with boiling water).

Do we need HRA departments to remind men what paternal leave is for when they apply for it?

Ask how if he wants to be on feed duty for the first or second half of the night and stop doing his laundry etc? Take it in turns to have a lay in.

Seriously?! Is he always this useless?

What makes me sad about this post is that you even haev to ask the quesrtion. Your H is on paternity leave and is doing bugger all of the household OR baby tasks. You don't even sound that shockedf or angry - just sort of vaguelly concerned that maybe he's not quite pulling his weight. Which suggests this is a regular, long-term thing.

What do you mean by he heard the baby cry “through the monitor”. Is baby sleeping in a different room at 3 weeks old?

Baby in your room and alternate the other parent sleeping elsewhere so getting a full night every other day. Seems fair for shared leave.

Even when back at work he needs to be sharing the nights but yes he obviously needs to now.
Where is the baby sleeping? You should be sharing a room with baby until 6 months.
Take it in turns split the night so you both get decent sleep. Baby is very unlikely to start reliably sleeping through for a long time so you can't do it all.
Express milk if breastfeeding.
What does he say when you ask about running the household? Why are you doing all of the cooking and housework

OP could be sleeping in one room with baby and DH in another room.

Why would he have a monitor on then?

He's got eight weeks' paternity leave and his biggest contribution is emptying the dishwasher and taking the rubbish out once?

If you are bottle feeding, you should both be taking it in turns to do the night feeds. He certainly shouldn't be getting a full eight hours' sleep and then complaining how tired he is.

Paternity leave is granted so the parenting of a new born can be shared in the early days. He sounds lazy and selfish and I'd be furious with him.

I expected mine to share them when he was back at bloody work! Never mind paternity leave!!

We took turns literally every night from the moment I stopped breastfeeding - from day 1 of the first baby to the last day of the 3rd one!

They are his kids too!

in my opinion he should be helping with the night feeds even if he is working. I have a 5 week old and me and my dh are splitting the night even when my dh is working. In my opinion looking after a baby during the day is as much work as actually working. After my first dc I felt like it was a break going back to work (and I was doing 12 hour shifts on my feet all day in work!)

Start telling him you need a proper nights sleep to be able to keep the baby alive during the day. And that that’s more important than keeping the household running.

My husband had 8 weeks leave. He took 2 weeks when our baby was born because I had a Caesarian, then he took 6 weeks at the end of my mag leave when I returned to work (which meant I could go back to work without worrying and he got quality time with our baby who wasn’t as reliant on me by then). If your husband can change his leave he should think about doing something similar - that’s how most of my friends have done paternity/shared parental leave. If my husband had been at home complaining and not pulling his weight it would have driven me mad.

I'd love you to show him this thread. If you do....

DH step up. If you don't this will 100% have a major and lasting impact on your marriage and you will never be able to make up for it.

@Mafiauger how awful for you.

I did all the night feeds as I am a poor sleeper at the best of times but DH did all the housework, shopping, cooking and cleaning. I literally didn’t need to lift a finger so I could nap during the day when baby was sleeping. And this was before paternity leave was really a thing - DH got 4 days off then took 2 weeks holiday. He went back to work doing shifts (early, lates and nights) but still did all the housework until I was able to chip in.

Your DH needs to step up!

Even while working I helped with night feeds. My wife and I did something which we called "1 o'clock protocol."

I managed everything to 1am. Then I went to sleep, this ensure I could get at least 5-6 hours of actual sleep. My wife managed things from then on, so, if the kids had a reasonable night she could also get at least 5 straight hours while also then having the rest of the night.

Was I tired? Yes, but then that's just par for the course.

What’s the point of him being on parental leave if he won’t do any parenting. The lazy fucker needs to pull his finger out.