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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to still do the night feeds while he’s on paternity leave?

106 replies

Mafiauger · 04/08/2025 13:57

We’ve got a 3 week old and DH is currently on shared parental leave until October. I was under the impression this meant we’d be, you know, sharing the parenting. Instead, it’s starting to feel a bit one-sided.

He’s now saying he needs “proper sleep” so he can “keep the household running.” Not entirely sure what household he’s referring to because I’m still doing most of the cooking and laundry. He does the odd dishwasher unload and took the bins out once without me asking but that’s about it.

Meanwhile I’m up at 11pm, 2am and 4.30am doing feeds, changes and trying to settle baby back down while googling “is it normal for a newborn to grunt like a badger.” Then in the morning he gets up at 8 and says he’s “exhausted” because he heard the baby cry once through the monitor.

He says it’s just until baby gets into a rhythm but this mythical rhythm seems to exist only in his imagination because at this rate it’s me that’s going to break before the baby settles into anything.

To be clear, I’m not expecting him to do everything or for us to be keeping score, but if he’s not working at the moment and we’re supposed to be doing this as a team, then surely it’s fair for him to take half the nights? Or even just one night?

AIBU to think that while he’s on leave, he should be pulling his weight with the actual baby care rather than just having long baths and reorganising the spice rack “to feel productive”?

Or is this just how it is and I need to suck it up until he goes back to work and I have even less help?

OP posts:
Rayqueen · 04/08/2025 16:24

Can't complain either my hubby happily took all day chores and baby on while I got sleep and bath in day because I did nights. In fact our last twins he did the same and he has turned out to be quite a good cook lol

Littlebutloud · 04/08/2025 16:25

What have I just read! Honestly nip this entitled behaviour in the bud now - it’s only going to get worse otherwise. I despair of the number of posts where women genuinely seem to be confused on if their partner should be ‘helping’ with parenting 😑

Stompythedinosaur · 04/08/2025 16:26

What the fuck does he think paternity leave is for? He should be doing half the night waking! Your turn to sleep elsewhere with a monitor tonight!

MageQueen · 04/08/2025 16:27

SaintNoMountainHighEnough · 04/08/2025 16:05

Even while working I helped with night feeds. My wife and I did something which we called "1 o'clock protocol."

I managed everything to 1am. Then I went to sleep, this ensure I could get at least 5-6 hours of actual sleep. My wife managed things from then on, so, if the kids had a reasonable night she could also get at least 5 straight hours while also then having the rest of the night.

Was I tired? Yes, but then that's just par for the course.

Are you my DH?

We did similar. he could sleep through baby noise easier so if he went to bed at 1am, he got 5-6 consecutive hours. If it was a realyl badf night, he'd often take over around 5:30/6 and have baby while he napped or showered and got ready for the day before he left for work at 8.

ginasevern · 04/08/2025 16:28

What the hell did he think "paternity leave" actually meant? Ask him.

CrispieCake · 04/08/2025 16:32

He needs a rocket under his arse.

BruFord · 04/08/2025 16:34

myplace · 04/08/2025 14:04

His paternity leave is to allow you to recover from the physically demanding process of growing then expelling a baby.

So you should do little beyond feeding and cuddling said infant.

He should be doing pretty much everything else because he isn’t working. I mean, how hard can it be to do all the things that need doing whether you’re at work or not, when you are not in fact at work?!

I agree with @myplace. My DH had less paternity leave so he focused on the household chores and I focused on the baby, esp. as I had a difficult birth with DD (my first) and needed to heal.

I was breast feeding and pumping so we we decided that I’d do all the night feeds and he’d get more sleep so he was fresher during the day. I took my babies downstairs to feed and change them…I watched a lot of rubbish TV in the early hours! That worked for us but everyone does it differently.

Regardless, your DH needs to be doing far more in the house.

CryptoFascist · 04/08/2025 16:35

Is this a joke?? Surely this is a joke.

Please tell me this is a wind up.

You gave birth 3 weeks ago. You're probably still bleeding and definitely not back to normal. Paternity leave is not for the man to have a holiday as a little treat for becoming a father. It's so he can support the mother of his child and perform his duties as a man and father.

XH, for all his faults, wouldn't have dreamed of letting me get up with the baby when he was on paternity leave. No real man would.
I hate to pull this card but if you were my friend, I would get my XH or DP to have a strong chat with him. Do you know any men who would step up and have this chat? Embarrass him with his behaviour.

jannier · 04/08/2025 16:37

Well darling daddy as your the one getting all the sleep the housework and baby care between 7am and 3pm are yours so I can get my 8 hours uninterrupted otherwise we take everything in turns you do one night I'll do next, here's the housework list let's split the chores.

kskajwnhxnqn · 04/08/2025 16:39

My workplace offers men a whopping 4 months of paternity leave on full pay. I’ve always harboured suspicions that many of them (male dominated industry) view it as one giant holiday and aren’t pulling their weight to help their partners…

Your DH is taking the piss. My husband got two weeks annual leave as we couldn’t afford for him to take paternity leave. And yes he had to bloody well HELP. He did all the burping and nappies at night even though I was breastfeeding. And he did the vast majority of housework and childcare for our older children.

My job was to sleep when I could, recover from pregnancy and birth and establish breastfeeding.

He needs to pull his finger out or piss off back to work.

Didimum · 04/08/2025 16:39

Seems like he thought he was going to have a little holiday, doesn’t it?

No, it’s not acceptable. At all. Even if you’re not bottle feeding, he should take turns handing the baby to you at night and then taking it back to change and settle. He should also be doing half of all the chores.

I’m sorry it’s transpired that you had a baby with a manchild that cares more for himself than he does for you. I hope you do something about it before you find yourself in a very resentful marriage.

My DH did every single night feed with one of our twins for a full year. He has also always done half the chores and he took 6 months solo parental leave.

BruFord · 04/08/2025 16:40

XH, for all his faults, wouldn't have dreamed of letting me get up with the baby when he was on paternity leave. No real man would.

@CryptoFascist Well, I preferred to do all the night feeds by myself, it was a special bonding time with my babies, I can still clearly remember being alone with DD (20) in the early hours. But, DH would be up and letting me rest in the morning, I wasn’t doing all the cooking, etc. like the OP.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 04/08/2025 16:41

Yeah I would've hated shared parental leave for this reason (and others)

CryptoFascist · 04/08/2025 16:41

BruFord · 04/08/2025 16:40

XH, for all his faults, wouldn't have dreamed of letting me get up with the baby when he was on paternity leave. No real man would.

@CryptoFascist Well, I preferred to do all the night feeds by myself, it was a special bonding time with my babies, I can still clearly remember being alone with DD (20) in the early hours. But, DH would be up and letting me rest in the morning, I wasn’t doing all the cooking, etc. like the OP.

That's fair, I did BF mine so I was awake and feeding them still! But he took them away afterwards and settled them, changed them when needed etc.

Figcherry · 04/08/2025 16:41

No, no and no.
Youre both home, he does 50% of everything unless you’re breastfeeding.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 04/08/2025 16:47

Don't let him get away with it. He's taking the piss. My H didn't hear the baby. It wasn't his fault he was a deep sleeper. He wanted me to wake him up if I heard the baby and wanted help. I just needed to sleep. My youngest woke hourly until she turned 4. I was on the verge of a breakdown and begged him to help, i told him that i was going to admit myself and he would have to look after the kids alone, shock horror, he managed to wake up. I still resent him for not helping before. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive him for it. It's a patten of our relationship. Needing support isn't enough. I have to beg for support.

NewDogOwner · 04/08/2025 16:48

Work out a plan of times or nights each person is responsible for. My DH is more of night owl so he took 7-2 each night and I went to bed at 7 and took over from 3- morning as I was on mat leave. He arranged to start work at 10 each day so had a slightly longer lie.

OnARainyDay2012 · 04/08/2025 17:01

Even when I was the breastfeeding so had to be awake in the night, DH would get up, do the nappy change and bring baby back to me for a feed. You might need to have a chat with him about sharing the workload.

Bearbookagainandagain · 04/08/2025 17:04

I think he's confused about what shared parental leave is about...

On the other hand, if you have taken the lead in everything baby related until now, it's not uncommon for the father to struggle to find his place.

I think you need to set very clear expectations that would will alternate the night feeds, and the nappies and everything else. It's a fact, not a question. Go sleep in another room if need be. If you are breastfeeding, then he can do the nappies.

Radiatorsa · 04/08/2025 17:05

What a selfish loser.
Stop cooking and doing his laundry.
It really does not bode well for the future.
You have had a child with a selfish waster.

He's taken an extended holiday OP, not paternity leave, at your child's expense.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Keep them close.
When you have a child with a complete tosser, you need your family close to you.

BruFord · 04/08/2025 17:07

OnARainyDay2012 · 04/08/2025 17:01

Even when I was the breastfeeding so had to be awake in the night, DH would get up, do the nappy change and bring baby back to me for a feed. You might need to have a chat with him about sharing the workload.

@OnARainyDay2012 That doesn’t suit everyone though. As I said, I preferred to take the baby downstairs and do everything myself. We had a travel cot and changing table downstairs. DH helping out would have annoyed me tbh. 😂

Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 17:09

Ask him which feed he wants to do. The 2am one or the 4.30

No options

MiniCoopers · 04/08/2025 17:19

Shared parental leave until October? It’s flipping August! He needs to be doing as much as you!

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 04/08/2025 17:27

If he doesn’t think that you need and deserve rest, respect, care and love now, when he’s just watched you grow and birth his child, when will he ever think you do?
Every Other Night here, even after DH back at work. Better both tired than the person in charge of keeping his infant son alive all day became a sleep deprived zombie was his reasoning and it’s hard to argue with that.

LegoHouse274 · 04/08/2025 17:39

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 04/08/2025 17:27

If he doesn’t think that you need and deserve rest, respect, care and love now, when he’s just watched you grow and birth his child, when will he ever think you do?
Every Other Night here, even after DH back at work. Better both tired than the person in charge of keeping his infant son alive all day became a sleep deprived zombie was his reasoning and it’s hard to argue with that.

Similar here. My DH has always been an equal, committed husband to me, and parent to his children. Even though he works a pretty demanding job in frontline healthcare. Our 9mo is a terrible sleeper and our older ones fairly often wake in the night too, there is no way on earth I could cope with that all on my own, and he'd never let me try to.