To expect DH to still do the night feeds while he’s on paternity leave?

[Mafiauger]

We’ve got a 3 week old and DH is currently on shared parental leave until October. I was under the impression this meant we’d be, you know, sharing the parenting. Instead, it’s starting to feel a bit one-sided.

He’s now saying he needs “proper sleep” so he can “keep the household running.” Not entirely sure what household he’s referring to because I’m still doing most of the cooking and laundry. He does the odd dishwasher unload and took the bins out once without me asking but that’s about it.

Meanwhile I’m up at 11pm, 2am and 4.30am doing feeds, changes and trying to settle baby back down while googling “is it normal for a newborn to grunt like a badger.” Then in the morning he gets up at 8 and says he’s “exhausted” because he heard the baby cry once through the monitor.

He says it’s just until baby gets into a rhythm but this mythical rhythm seems to exist only in his imagination because at this rate it’s me that’s going to break before the baby settles into anything.

To be clear, I’m not expecting him to do everything or for us to be keeping score, but if he’s not working at the moment and we’re supposed to be doing this as a team, then surely it’s fair for him to take half the nights? Or even just one night?

AIBU to think that while he’s on leave, he should be pulling his weight with the actual baby care rather than just having long baths and reorganising the spice rack “to feel productive”?

Or is this just how it is and I need to suck it up until he goes back to work and I have even less help?

My ex-husband treated paternity leave like a holiday and then also seemed to think that I was on a permanent holiday being on maternity leave.

I think you need to sit down with him and say these are the things that need to happen every single day and we need to share out this division of labour. Whilst you’re on paternity leave which of the night feeds do you want to do?

It’s paternity leave not a holiday. He should obviously be doing half the work. Otherwise he can go back to work.

Are you seriously asking if he should be doing m his share of looking after his newborn rather than leaving you to do everything? What kind of father moans about being exhausted when a. He isn't b. His wife has been up all night c. There is a newborn in the house - you're all supposed to he exhausted. You need to get him doing night feeds quick and continue when he goes back to work otherwise you'll quickly be in a situation where the baby 'won't settle for him'. You need to have a proper talk with him about how he is a parent and that means doing half the parenting when he is not at work

If he is doing shared parental leave instead of pat leave (ie taking up some of your share of mat leave so you have to go back earlier) then I'd be telling him to go back to work and having longer off myself when things were more settled.

Lazy fucker

My exh was a terrible selfish arse of a husband and father but at least with dd1 (who I thought was a terrible sleeper until dd2 came along and redefined that concept) he would take her from about 9-1 while i slept then i would take over from 1-7. If either of us managed to get her down for a stretch, happy days but at least neither of us were actually psychotic with lack of sleep.
This has to stop. If he is not being an equal loving partner and father now, it will not change and for god’s sake don’t have any more children with him. Your marriage won’t last if you don’t nip this in the bud now, the resentment will eat you up. He needs a wake up call.

I almost can’t believe what I’ve read - except that so many man seem to have the same idea.

YANBU

He is being incredibly unreasonable. He needs to be doing half the night feeds and half the housework. He doesn’t need to be treating this as a holiday, having long baths or “feeling productive” 🙄