Ex wants me to pay for kids’ school uniform

[dancingdad]

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

Well, why not take your dcs shopping for their school kit. Try a mix of supermarkets, Clarks, Vinted etc to source the list below. Find out for yourself what it costs to provide each child with:

2 skirts/trousers
2 jumpers
5 shirts
5 pairs socks
school shoes
Trainers
some form of sports kit (normally shorts and tshirt).
A waterproof coat
Rucksack
Pencils, rubbers, sharpener, pencil case etc

Then you will know. It will be a fun outing for all of you. A Tesco Extra or large Sainsbury should give you everything you need.

If you want the whole experience, spend a whole evening attaching name tags to absolutely everything. You'll need name tags too.

Is it beyond the realms of possibility that he might be doing both? Or that he has tried and failed? So many people on here calling the guy out when you only have a little bit of info to go. It’s ridiculous.

Drip…. Drip… Drip…. Somebody fix the leaky tap!

Thank you for your understanding.

I have a brother like you. Always the victim. It’s your exes fault you don’t see your kids more. Your ex has multiple baby daddies so your pathetic contribution must be paying for her other kids too. You’re a great dad who buys his kids clothes occasionally but never gets to see them again…. Just a victim.

Your ex can only dictate how much you see your kids if you just accept it, if you were that bothered you’d go to court and get an arrangement order.

Your £400 won’t even cover the cost of the one child never mind two, so don’t worry about her other child benefiting from it. She’s subsidising you, not the other way around.

And yes, you should be buying your children clothes. That’s hardly award worthy

If that's for a child just starting a regular school then £300 sounds a lot, the supermarkets seem to have uniform pretty cheap.

If he was a decent human being he would also offer to take his kids shopping for school uniform, including shoe fittings, pe kit/ trainers rather than expecting his ex to presumably do that, and deduct it out of the paltry amount he gives he each month.

ask for the school uniform list and buy it yourself/take the kids with you to buy it, they will be so excited to go with daddy to feel like big kids at school.

also, seek legal advice if the care is meant to be 50/50 and she is not letting you see them, especially if she is a ‘drug addict’.

You’re welcome.

Given your other replies, I wouldn’t pay a penny more than the CMS amount, but do go to court and do go for 50/50. Document everything. You won’t get 50/50 to start with, but you can build up to it, and if she obstructs access it’ll work against her.

When you have 50/50, no maintenance will be due. You can support your kids without having to support a manipulative, money-grabbing drug addict too.

More people would understand if you can reasonably explain why your kids are living with a drug addict.

Have you been to court?

To be fair, he said 'she WAS a drug addict.'

Perhaps she's cleaned up her act now.

Oh dear I actually fell for it but just in case this is real

Why would you leave your children with a drug addict

Why have you not gone to court to sort out contact and protect your children from said drug addict

It might have only been one sperm (identical twins/monozygotic).

Still doesn't explain if/why he hasn't fought for joint custody.

So minimum sperm donated too 😂

Whereas it's more like £60 for lots of reception kids

No they don't, unless you're buying the newest style.

Little girl: https://www.clarksoutlet.co.uk/jazzy-jig-kid/26175308-p
Big girl: https://www.clarksoutlet.co.uk/scala-teen-youth/26169291-p
Little boy: https://www.clarksoutlet.co.uk/fawn-strap-kid/26167928-p
Big boy: https://www.clarksoutlet.co.uk/remi-pace-youth/26126827-p

For school uniform:

5 polo shirts, £7.50, ASDA
4 pinafores, £16, Sainsburys
2 Jumpers/ cardigans, either £6 for two from Tesco or 2 x £16 with school logo, or get them from school second hand shops for £1 each.
5 pairs school colour trim socks, £4.50, Sainsburys
Plimsolls, £3.50, Sainsburys
White T shirt, £5 for 5 covers both kids
Black cycling shorts, £3 for 2 pairs
Waterproof coat they need all year round anyway, school or not.
Rucksacks are usually discouraged, the school book bag is £6.
Primary school kids are advised not to bring pencil cases as all stationery is provided.

I make that around £52 + £22 for school shoes per child, so £72 each.

KS1 children get free school lunches.

50/50 will cost you more than 1/2 the uniform costs.

Most dads of my friends kids don’t pay more than CMS and like you have the same attitude to cost.No birthday gifts, cards no treats at easter - £30 christmas gift if they are lucky.

She has those kids 24/7 doctors hospital, sick days, you name it - if you can do better on £50 a week - please do.

When you go to court and get 50/50 come back and tell us how far £50 a week stretches when school shoes are min £50 a pair.

CMS doesn’t cover even the basics of what children need. Do you really think even half of ALL their costs is covered by £400 a month? You understand your ex has to cover their actual costs, regardless of what you pay?

Men who stick to the CMS minimum payment and proclaim they have done their bit, rather than working out the actual costs of a reasonable standard of living for their kids, and finding a way forward to cover those costs with their exes, are not good dads.

This is Mumsnet. Perhaps go to Reddit if you want boys with no experience of the realities of raising children to support your position?

(And before I am accused of being some bitter ex in receipt of crappy CMS payments, I am married to my DC’s father and we are financially fine. I just see so many men shirking their responsibilities and hiding behind CMS calculations that it infuriates me.)

Why do people keep perpetuating these lies? Unless you're going to Clarks and buying the very latest full price pair of shoes, they're nothing like £50. If you're rich then sure, pay £50, but if you're not there are MUCH cheaper options.

My husband’s ex once asked him for £150 for school uniform for each of his kids. He sent it, they arrived in Asda basics and cardigans from the school’s second hand shop, which were sold at £1 an item. Nothing wrong with that but it couldn’t have cost more than £50 per child at most.

Not every mother is a struggling martyr.

The money is irrelevant - a complete red herring here.

The key questions are - are your children safe and happy and are their needs being met?

You could be paying their mother £10k a month, and that wouldn't be enough if actually the kids aren't safe and provided for. Money doesn't replace decent parenting, although providing materially is a part of it.

Parenting is a joint and several responsibility. If the other parent isn't stepping up or doing their share, then you have to. Doesn't matter how "unfair".

I have no idea why you thought it was ok to leave your kids with an addict. For most people fleeing abusive relationships, the kids are the one thing they remember to take.

When you have 50/50, no maintenance will be due. You can support your kids without having to support a manipulative, money-grabbing drug addict too.

I'm not entirely sure if this comment is tongue-in-cheek or deadly serious.

If it's serious, there is nothing in the OP's posts which suggests that the ex is manipulative, or money-grabbing.

But the OP would then have to provide all necessary school uniform for his days, plus out-of-school clothes, pjs, toys, books, bikes, computer etc. Afterschool club, holiday care,

Arguing over this stuff is silly and needless. Children need school uniform, nothing changes that.

If you want to be a deadbeat twin parent like my ex, then go ahead and pay nothing for school uniform.
Or you could do the decent thing and contribute at least half.
HTH.

Are you married to someone who pays child maintenance? Have you ever been a single parent? Because you sound very anti-CMS and a out of touch with the lives of lots of single parents, like some how they are completely raking it in and absent parents should be happy that UC is paying there rent so they don't have too.