Page 19 | Ex wants me to pay for kids’ school uniform

goldenquestion · 06/08/2025 13:28

HopingForTheBest25 · 06/08/2025 12:18

I think that if you want to be seeing your children more and you feel their mum is blocking your access then you need to go to court and get a legally enforceable arrangement. Then recalculate child support as necessary. Particularly if you are implying that the mum is depriving the children of clothes you have bought for them.
On the face of it though, £400 isn't enough to support 2 children properly

Exactly, family court would welcome him with open arms if his ex is a drug addict surely.

RubySquid · 06/08/2025 13:43

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 05/08/2025 17:45

Even if the OP’s ex was Beyoncé’ and fraudulently claiming benefits, it doesn’t stop the OP from having financial obligations to his children.

I always find it interesting that the government do not factor child maintenance - even when ordered through the CMS - into a single parent’s income for means tested benefits.

Says a lot.

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They used to. But maybe men were unreliable at paying it and left the kids short as the benefits money assumed that the father had paid and deducted it

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 13:49

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 06/08/2025 12:49

…whilst the Mum is possibly raking it in. She probably gets benefits! Help with housing, childcare costs.

If people generally feel that a mum is raking it in on benefits, housing and benefits, what is stopping dads and this OP in particular from quitting their job, filing for a lives with order (which obviously he’d get if mum is a drug addict) and raking it in himself on benefits! Sounds like a dream life…

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Maybe he wants to support his children? People on benefits get enough for the basics, food clothing, roof over head, then maintenance is being paid on top of that. Also get help with child care costs if they’re willing to work and be better off. I have been in this position and you get more than enough help on benefits when you have children.

ItsAllSoQuietItsAllSoCalm · 06/08/2025 16:31

Technically, if you pay child maintenance via cms then no you don’t need to pay anything extra. If you can afford it, it’s a helpful thing to do. Anything over the cms payment is seen as a gift.

goldenquestion · 06/08/2025 16:45

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 13:49

Maybe he wants to support his children? People on benefits get enough for the basics, food clothing, roof over head, then maintenance is being paid on top of that. Also get help with child care costs if they’re willing to work and be better off. I have been in this position and you get more than enough help on benefits when you have children.

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This very much depends on the accommodation you live in, or are able to access.

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 06/08/2025 18:20

RubySquid · 06/08/2025 13:43

They used to. But maybe men were unreliable at paying it and left the kids short as the benefits money assumed that the father had paid and deducted it

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I think this is probably exactly the reason why it isn’t counted.

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 06/08/2025 18:24

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 13:49

Maybe he wants to support his children? People on benefits get enough for the basics, food clothing, roof over head, then maintenance is being paid on top of that. Also get help with child care costs if they’re willing to work and be better off. I have been in this position and you get more than enough help on benefits when you have children.

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So which is it?

Are mums on benefits just scraping by with the basics or are they supposedly “raking it in”?

You can’t have it both ways — yet you’ve said both. Just trying to understand the logic here.

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 18:59

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 06/08/2025 18:24

So which is it?

Are mums on benefits just scraping by with the basics or are they supposedly “raking it in”?

You can’t have it both ways — yet you’ve said both. Just trying to understand the logic here.

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Seriously I don’t have time to keep explaining my point, I have a life

RhaenysRocks · 06/08/2025 19:25

I have very little sympathy for NRPs on benefits paying fuck all in maintenance unless they are incapacity benefits. If you are not restricted by childcare concerns you work two, three jobs mixing and matching the hours to provide for your kids. You do overtime, unsocial hours whatever.

My personal view is that if an NRP is legally assessed to contribute less than X amount (bearing in mind that they may be living on things like inherited wealth, dividends etc as well as benefits, which are not used for CMS calculations) the state should provide a minimum amount to the RP in lieu of the second parent. This is entirely separate to any other child related benefit the RP gets based on their own circumstances. That minimum amount is kept on file as the NRPs debt to the state and is not written off when the child turns 18. It is recouped through state pension when the NRP turns the appropriate age. Again, exceptions for incapacity. All children should be entitled to income from BOTH parents, whether that is via a state allocation or directly but the end point is the child receiving a decent standard. Alternatively of course, the NRP can provide 50/50 care and share expenses but I never see a stampede for that option from NRPs ..even the OP, who claims his ex is a drug addict, can't bestir himself enough to try for residency.

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 06/08/2025 19:46

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 18:59

Seriously I don’t have time to keep explaining my point, I have a life

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Your point is unclear.

On one hand, you claim that mums on benefits are “raking it in,” so fathers shouldn’t need to contribute to things like school uniforms. On the other hand, you say benefits only cover the basics. Which is it? You can’t have it both ways.

Also, the way you’re positioning yourself in this conversation does come across as trying to gain male approval at the expense of other women - it’s giving pick-me, and it’s not a good look.

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 19:54

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 06/08/2025 19:46

Your point is unclear.

On one hand, you claim that mums on benefits are “raking it in,” so fathers shouldn’t need to contribute to things like school uniforms. On the other hand, you say benefits only cover the basics. Which is it? You can’t have it both ways.

Also, the way you’re positioning yourself in this conversation does come across as trying to gain male approval at the expense of other women - it’s giving pick-me, and it’s not a good look.

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“It’s giving pick me”?
Seriously, you’re being ridiculous. Not in the least about bit assed about “pick me” couldn’t care less what people think. Gaining male approval from who, Mumsnet? Is it a dating site now? 🤣 I’m happily partnered thanks.
You must be very bored. Not responding again.

MissRaspberry · 07/08/2025 12:39

RhaenysRocks · 06/08/2025 19:25

I have very little sympathy for NRPs on benefits paying fuck all in maintenance unless they are incapacity benefits. If you are not restricted by childcare concerns you work two, three jobs mixing and matching the hours to provide for your kids. You do overtime, unsocial hours whatever.

My personal view is that if an NRP is legally assessed to contribute less than X amount (bearing in mind that they may be living on things like inherited wealth, dividends etc as well as benefits, which are not used for CMS calculations) the state should provide a minimum amount to the RP in lieu of the second parent. This is entirely separate to any other child related benefit the RP gets based on their own circumstances. That minimum amount is kept on file as the NRPs debt to the state and is not written off when the child turns 18. It is recouped through state pension when the NRP turns the appropriate age. Again, exceptions for incapacity. All children should be entitled to income from BOTH parents, whether that is via a state allocation or directly but the end point is the child receiving a decent standard. Alternatively of course, the NRP can provide 50/50 care and share expenses but I never see a stampede for that option from NRPs ..even the OP, who claims his ex is a drug addict, can't bestir himself enough to try for residency.

Cms Will keep a non resident parents debt on file for some time but will eventually write it off if they feel they'll not get it collected they did it with my ex when he owed over 5 grand because he kept job hopping they said they were writing it off due to not being able to collect it. He still barely pays the ordered £29 because council tax are collecting a debt so CMS say they cannot touch his money because he apparently won't afford to live on £29 less due to having other debts to pay

RunSlowTalkFast · 08/08/2025 06:09

Chandler22 · 06/08/2025 18:59

Seriously I don’t have time to keep explaining my point, I have a life

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Translation - yeah what I said makes no sense so I'm going to have a strop and flounce.

Harry12345 · 09/08/2025 00:26

Think he’s getting a hard time, he could be on £2000 a month and have his own mortgage and bills to pay too. If you can pay half of the uniforms I would, can see why you are frustrated if she doesn’t allow you to see them more

RhaenysRocks · 09/08/2025 09:48

Harry12345 · 09/08/2025 00:26

Think he’s getting a hard time, he could be on £2000 a month and have his own mortgage and bills to pay too. If you can pay half of the uniforms I would, can see why you are frustrated if she doesn’t allow you to see them more

If he's paying £400 CMS he's on more than 2k.
He can go to court I'd he's actually bothered about seeing them more.

patricktravers · 09/08/2025 18:01

dancingdad · 04/08/2025 11:53

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

I think he is out of order you both had the kids and expecting you to pay for their school uniforms is shocking your on your own bringing the kids up and he expects you to pay for their uniforms shocking ive always helped my ex wife with uniforms trips days out or anything to do with my kids that's naughty and I feel for you darling xx

PennyBP2 · 09/08/2025 18:19

Seriously can't believe you're asking if you should pay. Of course you should help out, school uniforms can work out expensive, espcially if you have twins (not like the uniform can be passed down to a younger sibling). Yes, help out. Not sure of your financial position but if you are in a position you should defintely pay for the school uniform.

WendyA22 · 09/08/2025 18:32

dancingdad · 04/08/2025 11:53

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

How far do you think £400 a month goes? She's got 3 kids to kit out for September. Don't be so bloody tight!

Panterusblackish · 09/08/2025 18:48

dancingdad · 04/08/2025 12:56

I want them in my life more than she’ll allow! I buy them clothes which I never see them wear once they’re in her care, and she refuses to let me take them away on holiday for two days or have them sleep over at mine, even though we’re meant to have equal care. She only gets in touch when she wants money.

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Then go to court for access.

Why the hell have you left your kids with a drug addict?

Can you imagine the scorn that would be poured on a woman if she abandoned her kids with a drug addict father.

I hear this all the time in real life. I worked with someone who ran down his ex SIL on the word of his brother. She was an alcoholic. Unstable. Lazy. When I asked why his brother was leaving them in her care full time if he was such a concerned father?

No fucking answer.

Panterusblackish · 09/08/2025 18:48

Then go to court for access.

Why the hell have you left your kids with a drug addict?

Can you imagine the scorn that would be poured on a woman if she abandoned her kids with a drug addict father.

I hear this all the time in real life. I worked with someone who ran down his ex SIL on the word of his brother. She was an alcoholic. Unstable. Lazy. When I asked why his brother was leaving them in her care full time if he was such a concerned father?

No fucking answer.

LT1982 · 09/08/2025 18:53

dancingdad · 04/08/2025 11:53

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

You said you pay "childcare" (it's actually your children's childcare not your ex's). If your payments only cover childcare then how do you expect you "child support" to cover school uniforms too genius? 🤔

Roco11 · 09/08/2025 19:17

I think it depends on your financial circumstances as well.

You could offer to buy certain items and take the children for them. For example the shoes and trainers. That way you know it is your children you are paying for.

Btb · 10/08/2025 09:07

dancingdad · 04/08/2025 11:53

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

£400 a month for two kids is a dismal amount , put your hands in your pocket fgs , school uniforms are not that expensive anymore but expecting it to come out of her £400 is very selfish

Coco1379 · 10/08/2025 10:40

£400 per month - what comes out of it? Mortgage/rent/bills/ food? If so £400 is not nearly enough.

Mum2EmLuJa · 10/08/2025 13:42

To be honest the thought of getting £200 a month for the daughter I share with my ex is a complete dream! He has paid nothing at all for 2 years whilst he was self employed-and yes went through the CMS and he owes me a lot but he’s now gone on benefits and I am going to be paid the amazing sum of £3.40 per week…..wowzers she might get a couple of bars of chocolate with that…lucky us! I then see people like my current DH paying maintenance and going halves on bigger expenses no questions asked alongside some of my friends husbands who do the same and can’t help but think I got such the shitty end of the stick with my DD’s dad!