Ex wants me to pay for kids’ school uniform

[dancingdad]

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

Oh and I've just remembered an ex friend of mine
He had a child with his ex and then they broke up
He paid a full £50 a month for her,but did pay for bits of stuff as she grew up
When she was a baby (and they where together) he'd spent money on baby bits (clothes,pram,cot etc)
The ex went on to have another child with her new fella
Ex friend hit the roof when ex girlfriend brought down all the baby bits from the attic that the child had grown out of,ready for the new baby
He'd paid for 'most of it' and had a real go at her for wanting to reuse it (all in good condition) for her new child
He really thought she should give it all to the charity shop/bin it/sell it and give him 'his half' and buy it all over again
I told him to get a life,his child had outgrown it all and it was wasteful to get rid and buy more
He should have been on his knees with gratitude that she hadn't demanded more money out of him for what his child needed now rather than what happened to her second hand stuff
He was proud of only paying £12.50 a week for his child and maybe another £50 on top of that lf a school trip came up or she was going on holiday (he certainly didn't pay the extra £50 every month)
I got the 'I'm paying for her other kid as well!'

Some men are disgusting

I have kids of my own, I know exactly how much they cost, and that full time school-based preschool is 30 hours a week so fully funded. Yes, it's harder to manage over summer- maybe if she's struggling to find childcare she could start letting their father have overnights? You can't refuse to allow the other parent to care for their own children then complain that you're doing all the work and need childcare.

That's so true. It's funny because I did it as a favour but now he's always spending extortionate amounts on himself which I don't begrudge, but all my income (minus a few treats/necessary items) goes on the kids.

Oh why did they get rid of the laughing emoji?

🤣🤣🤣

So £50 a month spaced over a school year? And he’s paying £400 a month. Nah, I think he’s good.

OP, you’re fine and I say this as a mother who never got any child support and a stepmother where my husband pays maintenance (for 1) I mean, your ex probably gets things like Child benefit and possibly UC. It’s also up to her to support them so she should work if she needs more money. Don’t listen to all the man haters on here.

And what did the courts say when you applied for full custody? I mean, you couldn’t manage to live with her - I assume you didn’t choose to leave two pre-school children with an addict.

I’m surprised the access / child support wasn’t settled at the same time.

What did the court say about her being a drug addict before they allowed the children to live with her?

I’m really surprised the court ordered very young children to stay with an active drug addict. How did that happen?

If the OP takes his child 50% of the time and is responsible for all the nursery costs that fall on his 50% of the time, and needs to rent a house with a separate bedroom for a child, and pays all transport costs while they're with him, and takes time off work when they're ill on his days, and provides their food on the days they're with him, and pays the increase on his utility bills, and buys half the nappies, clothes and shoes (repeatedly as they grow) I guarantee you he'll be finacially worse off than he is now, paying a flat £400 per month.

But, honestly, I'd rather you didn't agree with me. This bridge is really nice and going for a song!

I spent £200 on my DD's school uniform when she started Reception and it included 5 of everything, extra pretty blouses with puff sleeves and scalloped collars, Clarks school shoes and barefoot PE trainers, a full branded PE kit (which wasn't compulsory), socks with matching trim in school colours and even hair bows in school colours. No idea how people are managing to spend £300 unless they only shop at John Lewis!

I'm probably quite lucky, but my DD's dad pays about twice that a month and would definitely buy the uniform too

Well that's quite the drip feed. What reason did the Judge give you for not giving you full custody when you applied @dancingdad ?

Regardless, buy your children their new uniforms FFS. Don't be a dick.

OP, each child will need

2 skirts/trousers
2 jumpers
5 shirts
5 pairs socks
school shoes
Trainers
some form of sports kit (normally shorts and tshirt).
A waterproof coat
Rucksack
Pencils, rubbers, sharpener, pencil case etc

A pair of Clarks basic black leather shoes costs £40. Uniform for each child will probably cost £160 from Tesco.

Of course you should pay half. £200/child child support won't touch the sides. School lunches will cost at least £60 a month per child.

Thank you for the sensible reply!

so you leave your DC in the care of a drug addict with child support payments which are totally inadequate?

sorry, but you sound like a shit dad!

Also, presumably given this drip feed, social services and the courts were involved. How come you haven't been awarded custody in these circumstances?

@dancingdad just to let you know I had the same attitude from my DD’s dad. Apparently I was irresponsible with the maintenance he was made to pay, it should have covered everything and more. £180/month. £6 a day.
Fast forward to now, DD is an adult. She is taking me on holiday every year and pays for it. Her dad got annoyed it’s always me, never him, and her reply was: there are no holidays that cost £6 a day, dad. She despises him.
Learn from this.

if you don't want to give her money then buy the uniform yourself and give it to them.

i think going halves at the very least is fair.

if she really is a drug addict then fight your case if you want to see them more.

You only think it's sensible because it tells you that what you're paying is fair and reasonable.

Which it isn't, of course.

Why have you left your young children in the custody of a drug addict? Why was your ex deemed the better parent out of the two of you?

Why haven't you gone to court to get more contact with your twins?

Tell ex you'll take them out to buy their school shoes and jacket or whatever, then you'll have the nice bit of choosing with them. I think you should consider going to court and getting a real access agreement, as the children should be staying overnight with you and going on holiday too. You're obviously a man who wants to be involved, some responders seem a bit touchy, you've complied with your maintenance agreement.

Legally, you're not entitled to pay more, even though £2400 a year is a drop in the bucket compared to what your ex will be spending to raise, house and feed your children.

Morally, you're a shit dad if you think you shouldn't be contributing more to things like school uniforms, clubs, childcare so you AND your ex can work if she has custody during all your working hours, etc.

I think that's highly unlikely. As I said, my daughter costs me nothing like that.

In my area, an extra room doesn't make much difference to rent/mortgage. Around an extra £100 a month. Most people live within a mile of the nearest school so if they can't walk it's a tiny amount of petrol. Most workplaces cover emergency dependents leave for up to 5 days. I've never needed to use more than 2 in an academic year for one child and none for the last 3 years. An extra half portion at dinner time and a sandwich for packed lunch is a very small increase to the shopping bill, and KS1 children get free lunches anyway. Utility bills, come on, don't be ridiculous. How much energy are 2 5 yos who are always in the same room as a parent costing? School kids don't need nappies, and clothes and shoes can be picked up very cheaply on Vinted if necessary.

Sorry if you can't manage your money, I can see why you need to sell this bridge. Kids don't actually need bridges you know.

Of course the comment that confirms you're doing the legal bare-minimum, is the "sensible reply", in your eyes. Shit dad.

so your children are living with a drug addict yet your worried about arguing over school uniforms rather than fighting to ensure they are raised in a drug free environment?

Yeah but.... You still haven't said what the formal arrangements are for the children. Do you have a CAO, what are the terms re time with the children, what are the rules regarding holidays ?

These are separate to the Child Maintenance