Ex wants me to pay for kids’ school uniform

[dancingdad]

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

Buy the bloody uniforms

£400 a month isn’t a massive amount but considering we don’t actually know how much OP earns that could easily be a third of his wage. He still has to house himself which is why he might be questioning if he has to because he might not have the money to give.

YANBU My brother is trapped with a lunatic who takes way too much off him monthly then picks and chooses when she wants extra money off him. Prick

I don't understand where this "half" the costs come from? It seems to be a thing on Mumsnet that you pay half the cost when paying CMS.

It's not about paying half. There is a calculation done on his wage by the CMS - something like 20% of his gross wage which will then be discounted depending on how many nights he has them. The discount is is to cover the expenses while he has them and then the rest is to contribution to when he doesn't have them. It might be a drop in the ocean for some single parents but a lot of us its just a fixed amount of money that comes in monthly irrespective as to whether we are on good salaries ourselves or not.

Annoyingly paying child maintenance means exactly this.

Morally it shouldn't but in terms of CMS liability its full and final

It's 12% for one child, 14% for 2 and 16% for 3 or more.

Certainly doesn't cover anywhere near half of anything here either. It's a (very) partial reimbursement for money I have already spent!

Exactly. I'm not on benefits anymore but what planet are people living on if they think your average single parent on UC has £800 left over just to put towards the kids just because they receive a CMS payment. More likely they need it to cover all the household bills and put whatever they can towards the children.

I'm a high rate tax payer these days and now use my CMS payment to put towards just my son, at £200 it's fun money for treats, holidays and sport but at one point it was just another income with me trying to battle the bills coming in when I earnt less money and was on tax credits.

I have a brother who has been through just how hard it is to see your child when it's made difficult so I understand, and how it can be tough when only contacted for money.
However I do think you need to think about what would happen if you don't contribute to school uniform. Would it put your children in hardship is what I'm saying. It can quite easily be £200 each. That's a month's maintenance in one hit. Please don't take the fact that she's being difficult about seeing the kids, your kids issue. You need to put that aside, it's not their fault, and they need new uniform regardless.
Good luck, I do hope you manage to get to see them more often.

When CMS tells you that you have to pay x amount, you do realise / understand that x is the MINIMUM amount that you are to pay ?!!! and that you are ALLOWED to pay more ! and SHOULD WANT TO.

Wow. Imagine begrudging clothing your own children.

So because your kids' dad is a waster & you haven't fought him for a fairer contribution towards raising his children, anyone else who gets more should feel grateful?! And you're just taking OPs word for it that his ex is a drug addict? If that's the case, why hasn't he reported her to social services and obtained custody of his children?
Please fight for your kids. Your ex is taking the p. But so is the OP.

£400 a month is more than fair. People seem to think that you don’t have any living costs yourself! Not also taking into account that your ex may get benefits for the children. So no. No extra for school uniform. And I am a woman who’s been a single parent before you all come at me.

I’m not a “second wife” and I don’t agree with it. Sounds like the ex is taking the piss and he’s doing more than enough.

I’m not a “second wife” and I don’t agree with it. Sounds like the ex is taking the piss and he’s doing more than enough.

You're a woman who hates other women having more than you did? Paying £400pm means OP earns about £2500 per month. Do you honestly believe the twins' mum, who looks after them full time, has over 2 grand to cover housing, bills, food, clothing, etc? How does she manage to work? Do you even remember how hard being a single parent is or has the trauma caused amnesia?!

You're definitely not a second wife.

Oh my Lord. No I got plenty of child maintenance. Do you not think she gets benefits for those children if she doesn’t work? No trauma whatsoever from being a single parent. 🤣 some people, so dramatic.

Even if the OP’s ex was Beyoncé’ and fraudulently claiming benefits, it doesn’t stop the OP from having financial obligations to his children.

I always find it interesting that the government do not factor child maintenance - even when ordered through the CMS - into a single parent’s income for means tested benefits.

Says a lot.

I have a lot to say about this but dont want to get banned. You. Are. Clueless

Because it's not income for the parent, it's money for the child. Benefits are to cover shortfalls in the income of the person claiming them. If you don't have much income, it's not down to your ex to fill that gap!

We don't know how much OP earns because we don't know how many overnights he has. If he has any overnights, he will be paying the same in rent as the children's Mum anyway.

IF he earns roughly £2500 a month, he's bringing home a maximum of £2093 a month, meaning that after maintenance he has £1693, which is not a lot to live off.

Meanwhile, if we discount means tested benefits and assume the ex is paying the same amount towards the children as OP, the children have £400 CM + £400 from the RP + £190 Child benefit every month. £990 a month, or £495 per child.

Anyone who thinks that £495 per child is not enough to pay for a child's essential expenses is wildly out of touch. Most parents don't have anything like that amount to put towards their children and are managing perfectly well.

Oh dear. I often find the biggest enablers of deadbeat fathers are the women in their lives

If his gross (after pension) is £2500 and he pays £400 maintenance for 2 children, that means he has 0 overnight care and therefore does not need a home the same size as the mother. By your calculations, £1693 should be more than enough to for a single man to live off.

The mother presumably does every school/nursery run and either has her earning potential significantly reduced by the impact of being the main carer for the children as this prince of a man plays a minimal role in parenting OR she has an extortionate childcare bill.

No, it is a separate expense to be shared.
My friend and her ex' each transfer €40 a month to an account that covers these things.
Covering school costs and Christmas.

That's so judgemental!

(this is coming from a person who works and is in receipt of UC and CMS and had no additional support at all, just understands the system! And, realises that it's us strong independent women who will ensure our children are provided for and not affected by the deadbeat father, rather than enabling him)