Ex wants me to pay for kids’ school uniform

[dancingdad]

We are separated and have twins who are starting school this September. I pay her child care each month (£400). She’s sent me a long list of uniform they need for school. Am I right in thinking the child support I pay should go on this?
she has a kid by someone else too and the father was never asked to pay child support so I’m thinking my money will no doubt go on his uniform too!

£400 wouldn't even cover the childcare costs for our children, it wouldn't even be half! - so £200 each wouldn't even touch the sides!! Especially as we have to get speciality foods for their allergies.

How you're working out £2,400 would cover your child, or any child for a whole year I do not know! You must be missing several things in your calculations.

You also said you live in a very cheap area of the country so I would imagine many of the DC live in poverty and that is why your school is different. We don't all live in deprived areas.

the drug addict mother got p.r. over the non addict father?

Fair enough, I’m talking more generally about what CMS “should” cover.

In most cases with shared care, I reckon the CMS amount paid by a working, non-resident parent is appropriate. The vast majority of Mumsnet posters seem to disagree on that.

As others have said, sort out the contact, for the kids' sake as well as your own.

On the uniform, if you're worried she's using money for something else why don't you offer to measure them up/take them out and get it one of the days they're with you. Don't forget shoes and trainers or whatever's needed for PE. Should be a shared cost but sounds like (however much you blame her for this happening) you've been having them less than you're supposed to and she might take it back to CMS for more if you drag your feet about difficult costs.

Then sort out the contact and you'll owe her less. Probably spend much more - but worth it for time with your kids.

I had a working non resident parent. I was the working resident parent.

I never got a penny. Do you think that’s fair?

Yes, it doesn't make sense.

OP is strangely silent on this issue.

@dancingdad why weren't you awarded 50/50 custody at the very least?

Why aren't you back in court, to get more contact?

Why was your ex considered to be a more suitable parent than you?

I have never been told by a solicitor or the judge when we went to court that CMS is only meant to cover 50% of there costs. In fact the reality is for most single parents it goes in to one pot with wages, child benefit etc that all bills are paid from that pot including rent and utilities which is all taken in to account when you go through your Form Es in divorce (of course not if your not married). Obviously where you live is relevant as to house prices or rent (I'm in the SE so very high) and it depends on things like what activities they do. It doesn't sound like your daughter does any, mine do a lot as well as extra tutoring and I have encouraged that even when I have been left to pick the bill up. You could argue thats a choice I have made for them but I would argue they should have those opportunities like other kids do and I have worked really hard to let them do it.

They are starting school in September, read the post. Perhaps if you'd read the small print for the bridge you wouldn't be in this mess.

I don't live in a deprived area.

Also check with the school re uniform sales - ours had regular second hand sales including one at the new parents' evening. £1 an item. Plenty of everything for those who wanted. With twins I would totally make max use of this sort of thing. New decent quality shoes is a must, but much of the other uniform second hand is absolutely fine, they'll grow out of it in no time anyway.
ETA maybe one new set for first day and school photo day :)

If you want to see your DC more, have them overnights & taking them away go to mediation & then court. Don’t let your ex dictate contact.

Unless there are safe guarding concerns you will get up to 50% shared care but will have to negotiate your own childcare, school drop off & pick up for your days.

Buy the uniform, at least it well get very well worn!

The answer is technically yes, apart from the days you have them, you provide clothes for your days.

if you aren’t getting proper access onto court and fight for your dc. You don’t need a lawyer, you can file yourself

what are you doing about this? Have you sought the advice of a lawyer? Attempted mediation? Gone to court?

Quite frankly, £400/month for 2 children is nothing. So I'd think paying for uniforms is just fine.

My husband has his children 100 days a year (his ex won’t allow more as it’d mean she gets less in CMS - she moved away so this is made up of most weekends and holidays, and he’s been advised he won’t get more as she has a right to downtime with them too). We pay for bedrooms, a bigger car, pyjamas, clothes, bikes, holiday clubs, holidays, sports kit and fees, haircuts, TV subscriptions, music lessons, tech…

We are allowed to have SC 27% of the time. Assume their mum also covers everything for 27% of the time, that leaves 46% of their time. 44% or 160 days, or 13 days a month. He pays £500 a month to cover half of the extra 13 days a month. Do you really think three average school-aged kids are costing their collective parents £2000 a month, AFTER housing costs and everything I mentioned in the paragraph above?

Friends of mine who have been in this situation have taken the kids to the shops and bought the uniform. However, you don't tend to see your kids' clothes after you've given them to them - do you think she's selling them?

If she is a drug addict why are you not taking the 50:50 care further?

Edited to add they took them to the shops rather than handed over the cash.

Oh I know, but it can't be both at once so let's not slip between one and the other in the same breath depending on what suits our argument, and then ignore all the relevant content relating to either, shall we?

Otherwise you'll be mentally spending the same money twice or three times over and then not understanding why you're in a pickle, but...

that is a problem you won't have if you buy the rights to this fabulous bridge! Don't listen to the naysayers who say it's already controlled by NYC DOT. Is it? Yes. Are they selling? No. But is this also a fabulous investment opportunity for you? Absolutely! (Two things can be true at once, can't they?)

I think that’s unfair but also completely irrelevant to my point!

YANBU. Anyone who spends £400 or more on uniform is either stupid or is trying to be “that mum”

Oh dear.
Cheap living costs does not equate with poverty.
Sure, the house prices in areas of higher poverty will be cheaper than average, but to blanket state "cheaper housing = deprivation" is ignorant.

I don't recall MrsSunshine saying she lived in a deprived area with a high level of child poverty.

@dancingdad If your ex is a drug addict why aren't you fighting for custody, go to court, your kids will thank you for it if you are the stable parent in their life step up, no kid should have to clean up their parent, please don't make them grow up before they have to.

I think it is because you reckon the CMS amount paid by working non resident parents is, in most cases, appropriate.

I would contend it isn’t. You aren’t including those NRPs who pay either nothing, or very little and/or that sporadically.

As far as I can see, there is no formal residency agreement. OP has not said his ex has been awarded full residency, nor has there been any mention of family court or solicitors, or mediation.

Well no, but she did say we can all live within one mile of our local school while paying hardly any extra money for an extra bedroom 😂

I’m talking about the amount that CMS says they should pay. If they choose not to or avoid it, that’s obviously a different kettle of fish.