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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend trauma dumps on me

77 replies

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:19

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. I love him and he’s a lovely man.

But he has a lot of unaddressed emotions, debts, insecurities etc. he’s comfortable with me so he seeks support from me which I am fine with.

However, his emotional can be so heavy. He’s got a lot he’s not addressed and they come around like vicious cycles on a constant. I believe this has damaged his confidence and self esteem. Sometimes he will believe I’m angry with him or my tone or body language is off and that it’s because of him. I may just want personal space and he will think I don’t love him. He will ask me quite frequently if me and him are ok and if I’m alright with him.

now I have learnt to be quite aware of my body language and tone now so he knows I’m fine with him. This means explaining I love him before a sentence. Smiling a bit more so he knows I’m happy or just explaining things I wouldn’t usually explain.

im not sure how to deal with this type of character. I do love him but I am not used to someone who is more needy for attention and affection.

can anyone help?

OP posts:

VenusClapTrap · 04/08/2025 09:22

No advice, sorry, but that sounds exhausting. You shouldn’t have to change your behaviour for his comfort. Clearly he needs counselling of some kind.

LeeshaPaper · 04/08/2025 09:22

I don't know how to vote it the poll. What are the options?
Either way, this guy has you walking in eggshells and modifying your behaviour after 8 months. He needs time alone and a therapist.
I would advise you to end the relationship.
I'd love to hear @AttilatheMeerkat 's advice on this. She's extremely knowledgeable and perceptive

CreationNat1on · 04/08/2025 09:23

Tell him get therapy as you don't have the training, knowledge or emotional bandwidth to give him the support he needs.

Tell him he is draining you.

leafling · 04/08/2025 09:24

Ah, the old "I COULD get a therapist, but a girlfriend would be cheaper" approach...

Unless he's willing to address his issues head-on, and with someone who isn't you, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of eggshell-walking and second-guessing.

A loving relationship is supposed to be the place where you get to be the MOST 'yourself'; where you don't have to edit and question, but relax into love.

This kind of behaviour verges on emotional manipulation, and it's insidiously dangerous – because it gets you to question the quality of your love, and whether or not you're a good person.

He needs to get to therapy, and you need to get out.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 04/08/2025 09:25

VenusClapTrap · 04/08/2025 09:22

No advice, sorry, but that sounds exhausting. You shouldn’t have to change your behaviour for his comfort. Clearly he needs counselling of some kind.

Ill offer advice.

But he has a lot of unaddressed emotions, debts, insecurities etc. he’s comfortable with me so he seeks support from me which I am fine with.

Life is too short for this. It's been 8 months. Right now he should be bending over backwards to impress and the relationship should be easy.

The early months are usually rhe best and he is using you as trauma counselling

This is the only life you will ever have do you want to spend it with a man who has debts and insecurities.

What do you get out of it.

Id end it.

tuvamoodyson · 04/08/2025 09:25

Personally OP, I wouldn’t be able to constantly have to reassure someone I still loved them etc. I might be hard-hearted Hannah, but he’d be let loose back into
the wild.

Whiningatwine · 04/08/2025 09:25

8 months is supposed to be fun.

Sometimes we can look at walking away from relationships as a failure, when in reality relationships shouldnt be a competition.

This man sounds exhausting. The fact he has you walking on eggshells already is awful. Is this the life you want for yourself?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/08/2025 09:30

If someone loves you then you don't have to modify your behaviour for them. They love you as you are, they don't expect you to have to reassure them and preface every conversation with "I love you."
And it won't get better, will it? He'll just want more and more reassurance. And what if he doesn't believe your reassurance? What happens when prefacing your conversations with "I love you" doesn't work and he shouts 'no, you obviously don't because....' of something you are doing that is perfectly normal but he has taken the wrong way? Will you stop doing it? Saying it?

It's the way to a lifetime of making yourself small so he never gets upset.

AlwaysNeverEver · 04/08/2025 09:33

I could never be in a relationship like that. You must be exhausted.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2025 09:35

What are you getting out of this?. There must be something your getting otherwise why stay?

Were you taught to rescue and or see the good in absolutely everybody?. Your boundaries with this man are well skewed.

A person cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and here you are being both. With all due respect you are supposed to be his girlfriend, not his therapist yet he is using you as this and you are allowing it. If this is what it is like 8 months in then imagine another 3/5 years of same. He should not be in a relationship with you and is in no position to be In A Relationship with any woman. the two of you need to be apart now.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/08/2025 09:35

No no no, you should still be in the honeymoon phase not being used as a therapist...he sounds awfully clingy too. I'd be throwing this one back

Original poster

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:37

We get along so well and he’s so kind hearted. But that trait is a lot. He been through quite a traumatic event so he has abandonment issues.

Does this type of emotional issues never get better ?

OP posts:

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 09:40

If he is willing to get help then I think it sounds a bit cruel to discard him as too traumatised.
(Edit in response to PPs advice)

Though I’m not sure what the actual trauma is? Debt is of his own making surely?

If he isn’t willing to get help once he’s aware of the impact he has, then it’s a different matter and I’d probably advise as some of the other posters. He has to want to get better.

If a man was posting about wanting to leave his female partner as her trauma was too much, I think you would get a different response entirely.

I am glad my spouse didn’t take MN advice and bin me as too traumatised, trauma which was no fault of my own.

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 09:41

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:37

We get along so well and he’s so kind hearted. But that trait is a lot. He been through quite a traumatic event so he has abandonment issues.

Does this type of emotional issues never get better ?

Yes, it can get better.

He would need to understand the impact he has, want to feel better and seek support.

leafling · 04/08/2025 09:42

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:37

We get along so well and he’s so kind hearted. But that trait is a lot. He been through quite a traumatic event so he has abandonment issues.

Does this type of emotional issues never get better ?

Not if they don't get addressed properly (i.e with a professional, not your girlfriend), and even then they take a lot of time.

He has to take responsibility for his own emotional regulation.

His abandonment issues are not yours to hold. They may not be his fault, but they are his responsibility, and you cannot be his therapist, pacifier and emotional punchbag.

In the long run, explaining this to him and stepping away might be the best thing you can do for him as well as for you.

HoppingPavlova · 04/08/2025 09:42

No way. Don’t tolerate this. I had a job that could be very distressing at times but there was no way you can go home and dump that on a partner. The most that is acceptable is ‘bit of a shit day really, anyway what have you been up to’, anything else you deal with a professional or colleagues (as in my line of work it was acceptable to use old hands in this way as they knew how to deal with it all and how to cope with it, and then later you became this person for the younger ones).

The guy needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. Make this boundary clear to him and if he breaches it, bin him off.

Original poster

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:43

He’s on a waiting list to get help and has got paid and nhs help before.

The emotional trauma isn't because of debt.

OP posts:

Nooster18 · 04/08/2025 09:43

I would have a heart to heart with him and put it gently that he needs to contact his GP and ask for a referral (or self refer online) to his community mental health team because it sounds like he would benefit from talking therapy. You can listen to him to try and sympathise but you can’t help him. That’s what professionals are for. If he refuses to help himself and continues to use you as an emotional crutch, then this relationship (on a foundation of codependency) will not last. You’re only a few months in, it’s too much and you’re already drained. If he loves you as much as you love him then he’ll get his head straight and deal with his issues. If not, show him the door because you’re not counsellor and your wellbeing is just as important OP

Batherssss · 04/08/2025 09:46

Its called Mankeeping.
Men going to women for every sort of emotional support.

Kindly OP, it will never get better.
You are the parent and he will always look to you to help, fix, guide, give him confidence and reassurance.

He suffers from arrested development.
Do not waste your future.

It will be absolutely exhausting as you carry the load.
Not someone to have children with.
Not worth it.
Sorry.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 09:47

I definitely have some sympathy for the issues that he has, OTOH, I would run a mile. It takes a strong person to deal with huge emotional issues.
It would suck the life out of me.
The deeper things go, the harder it'll be to remove yourself.
He needs professional help.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/08/2025 09:47

He needs therapy not a girlfriend. It’s really unfair of him to do this to you. As an adult should be responsible for himself, but he is trying to make you responsible for his emotional wellbeing. I don’t think this is going to get any better.

ohyesido · 04/08/2025 09:48

It sounds like a victim / saviour type scenario which could be a form of codependency.

it must be so draining for you having to be so hyper vigilant?

midsummabreak · 04/08/2025 09:48

Yes it can & will get better if he is working on it with counselling and using his own resources such as self reflection, setting goals for self improvement and fully recognising the need for change to remove impacts on others, journaling whenever he’s feeling insecure and noting triggers - acknowledging feelings and emotions and then letting them go.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 09:51

My ex was abandoned by his DM aged 4, left with the abusive father. The damage was deep.
I tried for 5 years. I definitely wouldn't recommend it.
He cheated in the end. I wasn't exciting anymore, acting like an agony aunt will do that.

OnyourbarksGSG · 04/08/2025 09:52

He is conditioning you to adjust your behaviour so he doesn’t have to deal with his own toxic shot. This is BAD in every possible way and you need to extract yourself from this situation as it will not get better. When he eventually hurts you it will be your fault. You should have known not to do that perfectly acceptable thing as it upsets him.

this is not a relationship and you are not his emotional support monkey. Fuck him off

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