My boyfriend trauma dumps on me

[forevergrateful1]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. I love him and he’s a lovely man.

But he has a lot of unaddressed emotions, debts, insecurities etc. he’s comfortable with me so he seeks support from me which I am fine with.

However, his emotional can be so heavy. He’s got a lot he’s not addressed and they come around like vicious cycles on a constant. I believe this has damaged his confidence and self esteem. Sometimes he will believe I’m angry with him or my tone or body language is off and that it’s because of him. I may just want personal space and he will think I don’t love him. He will ask me quite frequently if me and him are ok and if I’m alright with him.

now I have learnt to be quite aware of my body language and tone now so he knows I’m fine with him. This means explaining I love him before a sentence. Smiling a bit more so he knows I’m happy or just explaining things I wouldn’t usually explain.

im not sure how to deal with this type of character. I do love him but I am not used to someone who is more needy for attention and affection.

can anyone help?

There is such a thing as being vulnerable and opening up within a loving relationship, but there is also such a thing as being a bottomless pit of need. Beware of the latter, because however much affection, attention and reassurance you give them, it will never be enough.

Women are not hospitals for broken men.

Fuck. That. Shit.

You are not rehab for emotionally disordered men. Even ones that are 'nice".

Repeat, it's not your job to comfort men.

You're changing the way you speak, the way you arrange your face, and your body posture so as not to envoke his emotional outbursts. You're on eggshells. This is the thin end of a wedge mate, back out of this right now before it gets much much worse.

From past experience it never gets any better so I would have to end it.

In due course, the blame for all his problems will start to shift onto you. He will turn against you. You cannot fix him. Get rid.

Yes from sad experience myself, I totally agree. It’s not a call from MN telling you he’s unworthy of love, it’s more that he shouldn’t yet be in one involving romantic love since that’s arguably the most challenging relationship type for anyone.

His issues are such they’re not allowing either of you to experience (or freely express) real love together - to banter, fondly name call, be silly, spontaneous- moody when you’re down and need the other one to pick you up.

@forevergrateful1 Obviously no one’s dictating but hopefully the replies have given you food for thought and if you do continue on this path you’re aware you’re potentially sacrificing your quality of life to prop up another for an undetermined period of time.

I won't go into whether I think he's abusive or not but I will tell you to think of your happiness. I've seen women dragged down by men that won't take adequate responsibility for their mental health , my mum for example. It took its toll on her and she became less as rhe years went on. You're already changing your behaviour after 8 months which isn't a good sign.

I don't think he should be in a relationship at all right now.

Going with consensus here - you need to tell him that you love him but want to put the relationship on pause and just be friends until he’s had therapy and is in a good place. He needs to focus on/fix himself before entering a committed relationship. This is in his best interest… and absolutely in yours, too.

It’s one thing to be there for a partner or friend with whom you have had an established relationship for some time, a period in which you have had a joyous connection and therefore take the rough with the smooth, but it is quite another to be in the midst of his angst and trauma from day one. You need to prioritise yourself so that your MH is not negatively impacted.

Someone with hyper vigilance can be really hard to live with. They assume they’ve messed up no matter what you say and, as you have said , can leave you managing/rethinking everything you’re doing so they feel secure. It’s emotionally exhausting.

I think, as others have said, your DP needs really good therapy. He needs to find a therapist who really clicks with him (and style of therapy that works for him) and stick with it for an extended period of time because this stuff is so embedded in how they live/survive the world. I don’t know what caused your partner’s hyper vigilance but is can often go way back to childhood so it’s very hard to just stop at this point. It can feel dangerous and physically painful to change mindset.

Meanwhile, you have to choose whether living/loving someone with mental health issues is okay for you; whether you have the emotional reserves/patience etc to be there as they figure it all out. I provided emotional support to a loved one (who is actually still in therapy) who had some similar traits and it definitely can get better but it can be hard work (for you as a support and for them digging into the past). The good thing is it sounds like your DP is open to help and that is usually one of the biggest hurdles.

I found reading around the subject/listening to some podcasts helped me understand patterns and helped me gently remind them why they might be spiralling. Not in a judgmental way, just in a this is what your brain is trying to tell you but I’m telling you it’s not true way. Look at codependency and hyper vigilance - there’s hopefully some good articles that can lead you to books/podcasts. Also, make sure you have a support network around you. You need to offload just as much as he does because you’re doing so much emotional lifting. Open up to at least one person so they can help you. It might even help to see a therapist too if you want to offload to someone independent.

It’s easy to become smaller when trying to help someone in this position but that isn’t actually helping him and it’ll only make you end up feeling resentful. It’s a strategy that’s involves no work from him and that’s not a long term solution. You need to be you with all your emotions and they need strategies to help them rewire their thinking so they don’t panic when they perceive you’re not happy. It’s complicated stuff but it really can improve if he puts in the work.

It won’t go away on its own, no, and it won’t get better by keeping in this cycle. You have to decide what’s worth it to you.

That's a good point. You can't be mummy and sexy at the same time.

If his actual former therapist can't help, how can you?

His abandonment issues are not yours to hold. They may not be his fault, but they are his responsibility, and you cannot be his therapist, pacifier and emotional punchbag.

He either takes responsibility for his feelings of anxiety around your perfectly normal interactions,or you split. What you don't do is offer a pacifying smile and do all the work of "not upsetting him" every time you utter. That is ridiculous and setting up you and/or subsequent girlfriends for a lifetime of anxious eggshell treading. It's bullshit.

Walk away now before he drags you down to his level.

You cannot cure him, he doesn't want to be cured, he wants you walk on egg shells around him, he is controlling you.

A relationship so early on should still be fun, laughing, sex, smiles etc, not modifying your behaviour and language to appease him.

Get rid of him. 8 months should still be having fun. Sounds exhausting. Tell him to get help to resolve his issues. You're not his mother.

He sounds exhausting and needy. Reminds me of my first boyfriend when I was 18.
You are basically having to change the way you communicate and act, to make him feel better. That’s not healthy for you, OP. I‘m sure you are already a lovely person!

It's not your job to fix him. Don't make excuses for neediness - we all have baggage and most people have experienced some sort of trauma. Don't change your behaviour to accommodate his moods and his clinginess.

If you end your relationship with him, he will seamlessly move on to someone else and make them feel depressed as well. You can't cure him. You're only important to him because you listen to him. You don't exist as a person in your own right, in his mind.

In a year, you'll wonder what happened to you, if you stay with him.
He'll suddenly feel upset just as you're leaving to meet friends, he'll get jealous if you talk to your family without him, he'll expect you to soothe his feelings.
Please finish the relationship before you lose yourself.

Another thing to think about is that support should happen both ways, and someone who is so reliant on you to be his scaffolding is unlikely to be able to support you, should a crisis happen to you.

I had a needy boyfriend like him for a while, who needed a lot of emotional bolstering, and when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly it was me falling apart and needing a shoulder to cry on, he was utterly useless. He could only take, not give.

💯 support needs to work both ways, no-one is perfect. In loving mutual relationships, it is perfectly okay to discuss past trauma and support each other.

He has an anxious attachment style. He needs to first understand that he has it, and that his anxiety about you and the relationship comes from that - not your behaviour.

As others have said, therepy can help.

Honestly? At eight months this should still be easy and fun.

How much fun are you having? Having to tiptoe around some guy sounds exhausting.

I used to go out with someone like this. The thing about such fragile / sensitive people is that they are only sensitive to themselves. Should you go through a rough period, experience a bereavement or lose your job, he will make it about himself. You will have to endlessly reassure him that your low mood isn’t to do with him.

If, the next time he kicks off about feeling insecure, you were to say “This is exhausting. Not everything is about you”, what would happen?

Read Karpmans triangle
victim
persecuter
rescuer

he and by default you are living this triangle

does she still love me ? Or am I being persecuted??
im not good enough .. she doesn’t love me im the victim
and you rotate from rescuer to persecuter back to rescuer …

he needs therapy, and to work on his ego
before he is able to have a functional relationship
wirh u

if u continue propping him up in this way, you are part of the problem
step back … let him (make him) grow !!

What professional help is he getting for this?

He can’t be expecting you to shoulder it all, he needs to get proper help rather than dragging that into a relationship and expecting you to walk of eggshells.

Big red flags OP.