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Original poster

My boyfriend trauma dumps on me

77 replies

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:19

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. I love him and he’s a lovely man.

But he has a lot of unaddressed emotions, debts, insecurities etc. he’s comfortable with me so he seeks support from me which I am fine with.

However, his emotional can be so heavy. He’s got a lot he’s not addressed and they come around like vicious cycles on a constant. I believe this has damaged his confidence and self esteem. Sometimes he will believe I’m angry with him or my tone or body language is off and that it’s because of him. I may just want personal space and he will think I don’t love him. He will ask me quite frequently if me and him are ok and if I’m alright with him.

now I have learnt to be quite aware of my body language and tone now so he knows I’m fine with him. This means explaining I love him before a sentence. Smiling a bit more so he knows I’m happy or just explaining things I wouldn’t usually explain.

im not sure how to deal with this type of character. I do love him but I am not used to someone who is more needy for attention and affection.

can anyone help?

OP posts:
Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 10:00

Wow, MN is on form today.

Only you know him OP and the trauma he has had.

He’s not your responsibility but people can recover from trauma if they’re open to doing so.

I am a strong advocate for not allowing poor behaviour under the guise of anything else in a relationship though. Hence it’s if he’s willing to listen and change.

leafling · 04/08/2025 10:02

@Noshadowsinthedark I hear you – but I can't see that anyone's suggesting OP bins him simply 'because he has trauma'. All of us live with the impact of past experiences, and for some of us that impact is intense.

I actually don't think the advice would be that different if the sexes were reversed – the issue isn't the person or the trauma, it's the behaviour.

Being in a romantic partnership with someone who makes their emotional experience a constant threatening third-party in the dynamic is incredibly unhealthy over the long term, for both parties involved.

And unless it's being actively addressed, it's not going to get better, for either of them. This can't be much fun for him either.

OP can love him, care for him, want the absolute best for him, and her responsibility is to herself and her quality of life first. There are many ways to love someone, and only one involves being in a romantic relationship.

At the moment they're both putting him first inside a relational structure it doesn't sound like he currently has capacity for – and unless that shifts to a healthy balance, there's only one way that's going to go for her.

YeOldy · 04/08/2025 10:03

It’s up to you what you want to do but you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of this if you continue to date him. Also, do you want kids? If so then have a think about who you are going to have as the father of your kids?

llife is complicated enough at the best of times, I’m not sure I’d continue the relationship as you’ve only been dating a short while. If you break up with him just make sure you do it kindly.

LoudlyProudlyHorrid · 04/08/2025 10:04

That sounds exhausting and abusive. He has found a way to make you behave exactly how he wants by playing the victim. I think the only way you can solve it is to let him go.

Have a read of the book "Why does he do that" and see if it feels familiar.

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 10:07

leafling · 04/08/2025 10:02

@Noshadowsinthedark I hear you – but I can't see that anyone's suggesting OP bins him simply 'because he has trauma'. All of us live with the impact of past experiences, and for some of us that impact is intense.

I actually don't think the advice would be that different if the sexes were reversed – the issue isn't the person or the trauma, it's the behaviour.

Being in a romantic partnership with someone who makes their emotional experience a constant threatening third-party in the dynamic is incredibly unhealthy over the long term, for both parties involved.

And unless it's being actively addressed, it's not going to get better, for either of them. This can't be much fun for him either.

OP can love him, care for him, want the absolute best for him, and her responsibility is to herself and her quality of life first. There are many ways to love someone, and only one involves being in a romantic relationship.

At the moment they're both putting him first inside a relational structure it doesn't sound like he currently has capacity for – and unless that shifts to a healthy balance, there's only one way that's going to go for her.

My response is really to those suggesting there’s not even a discussion to be had.

It doesn’t sound like OP has made him aware for him to change.

leafling · 04/08/2025 10:13

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 10:07

My response is really to those suggesting there’s not even a discussion to be had.

It doesn’t sound like OP has made him aware for him to change.

Show quote history

Ah, I see – I didn't pick up on that in your original post. I agree, that's got to come first, if nothing else so she can make a choice with a clear conscience.

Can't help but notice my mind running a very clear script of how that conversation might go... and I know that's my own experiences talking, too.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2025 10:14

Sometimes he will believe I’m angry with him or my tone or body language is off and that it’s because of him. I may just want personal space and he will think I don’t love him. He will ask me quite frequently if me and him are ok and if I’m alright with him.

This is a form of emotional abuse. He's controlling you with this behaviour and it's not acceptable.

FOJN · 04/08/2025 10:14

You are walking in eggshells to protect his fragile emotions. It will not get better because he will normalise your protective behaviour so you will never be able to have a conversation with him about anything you are not happy with in the relationship. Your relationship will become more dysfunctional with time. Don't underestimate how you will be changed by adjusting your behaviour to make him feel secure. You will end up putting his needs and feelings before your own.

You need to decide if you want to be this man's enabler or partner. People with abandonment issues are not fixed by getting someone to stay with them through emotional manipulation.

Either he gets professional help and you stop tiptoeing around him or you end the relationship.

Cardinalita90 · 04/08/2025 10:17

If he's had therapy before what is going to be different this time? Is he applying coping mechanisms he'll have been provided with? And has he changed his behaviour that led him into debt?

Either way, all sounds far too heavy too soon. If you carry on, know you'll be dealing with this insecurity and drama for the rest of your relationship and go in with your eyes open.

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 10:18

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2025 10:14

Sometimes he will believe I’m angry with him or my tone or body language is off and that it’s because of him. I may just want personal space and he will think I don’t love him. He will ask me quite frequently if me and him are ok and if I’m alright with him.

This is a form of emotional abuse. He's controlling you with this behaviour and it's not acceptable.

It isn’t always!

Those who have experienced trauma can be hyper vigilant to the moods of those around them. Have a google of PTSD and hyper vigilance if you want to learn about it.

It can be a form of abuse but it isn’t always.

I used to be hyper aware of those around me. I’m not abusive, I subconsciously learned from a very young age it would keep me safe.

LoudlyProudlyHorrid · 04/08/2025 10:19

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 09:40

If he is willing to get help then I think it sounds a bit cruel to discard him as too traumatised.
(Edit in response to PPs advice)

Though I’m not sure what the actual trauma is? Debt is of his own making surely?

If he isn’t willing to get help once he’s aware of the impact he has, then it’s a different matter and I’d probably advise as some of the other posters. He has to want to get better.

If a man was posting about wanting to leave his female partner as her trauma was too much, I think you would get a different response entirely.

I am glad my spouse didn’t take MN advice and bin me as too traumatised, trauma which was no fault of my own.

Edited

It's not the trauma that's too much though, it's the way he is treating her.
It's a known pattern of behaviour in coercive and abusive men.
It likely gets better for a while and she is lulled into a false sense of security, then his treatment of her escalates again and she walks in eggshells because she remembers how nice he can be.

Think of it not as discarding him but of not enabling him to be stuck in this particular pattern of behaviour. It's not good for either of them.

Noshadowsinthedark · 04/08/2025 10:21

@LoudlyProudlyHorrid as mentioned in my post just above.

Hyper vigilance can be a result of trauma.

I don’t know the bloke but I think it’s unfair to assume he is definitely an abuser.

Only the OP really knows him and the situation.

cramptramp · 04/08/2025 10:22

That would be enough for me to end it. I couldn’t be bothered with that level of neediness.

pictoosh · 04/08/2025 10:27

Ack. This is so difficult for you.

To be blunt, emotionally needy people are exhausting and very demoralising. They tend to be really self-absorbed and have skewed thinking that supports their self-centred agenda, such as interpreting your ordinary autonomy as a rejection. They just suck you dry of energy and a sense of self...and it's never enough. Nothing is ever resolved. They don't know how to be content.

These people do not change.

Genuine advice...8 months in, it's time to duck out. So sorry.

LoudlyProudlyHorrid · 04/08/2025 10:29

@Noshadowsinthedark the behaviour is abusive, manipulative and coercive. We can have all the compassion in the word for trauma but if the end result is a woman who is walking on eggshells and changing her behaviour like a boiled frog then it's not healthy for either of them.

TheHappyPenguin · 04/08/2025 10:32

You shouldn't need to "fix" him. You shouldn't need to modify your body language or keep yourself in check - that sounds awful but not only that - why would it get better? He's getting everything he wants - a free counsellor, a girlfriend who walks on eggshells and puts his emotional needs first and always make sure he's "loved" when he's excessively needy. Why on earth would he change?

This won't get better - it will get worse....but slowly and its the boiling frog scenario so you won't know how disfunctional the relationship is as you're living it every single day.

Well done on actually noticing now there are "issues" - some people don't and they're in really uneven relationships for years which can destroy them mentally.

Original poster
forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 10:40

I don’t fully know if it’s abuse. As he’s like it with his mates too and close people. Which is why I never took it personally

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/08/2025 10:41

forevergrateful1 · 04/08/2025 09:43

He’s on a waiting list to get help and has got paid and nhs help before.

The emotional trauma isn't because of debt.

If he has already been with two therapists (NHS and private), it does not look hopeful that a third round will be much help. Even if it helps a bit, it will take too long.

It doesn't matter how much you love him. Love is not enough.
He is too damaged to be in a relationship, and is now damaging you.

It is not your job to fix him or save him.
End it now.

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 04/08/2025 10:43

You run away from this abusive and controlling man as fast as you can. Lots of red flags 🚩
You're tredding on egg shells and modifying your behaviour for him, run!!
Then take a good look at the reasons why you were ever with this nasty man.

Burntt · 04/08/2025 10:51

Nope. Not ok to be moderating your behaviour so as not to upset/worry him.

you can’t fix him. He’s using you for free trauma dumping and emotional support. After just 8 months. Run!

LoudlyProudlyHorrid · 04/08/2025 10:54

I think many of us can hope that with problems where people feel they're not loved enough, that if only we can fill their cup up enough with love, loyalty, steadiness and so on, eventually they will feel safe and secure in their relationship, and their behaviour will change. Sadly this is unlikely to be the case.

Batherssss · 04/08/2025 10:56

He is not a project for you to fix.
You are changing who you are to keep him happy, walking on eggshells as to not upset him.

This is toxic. Get out now.

pictoosh · 04/08/2025 10:59

I agree @LoudlyProudlyHorrid

Des'ree was wrong...love does not, in fact, save the day.

JFDIYOLO · 04/08/2025 11:22

This must be bloody exhausting.

I am so tired of emotionally illiterate and irresponsible male behaviour.

He is responsible for his own wellbeing, and for dealing with whatever his experiences have left him with.

You are not his therapy dog. You are not his mother. You are not his nurse.

But nope - his current lazy go to attitude is let's dump everything on the domestic appliance, the therapy bot.

Tell him that you see he has a lot of damage from his experiences and that he needs professional help to heal. To make himself ready for an adult relationship.

And that you can't do that.

The Rules of Misogyny are worth a look. Here, especially:

  1. Women are responsible for what men do.

And

  1. Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry.

More at

https://forwomen.scot/05/02/2025/rules-of-misogyny/

Rules of Misogyny - For Women Scotland

Those familiar with the list who tuned in to watch the cross-examination of Sandie Peggie, the nurse at the centre of the Fife Tribunal, would have recognised all too many of them. Ms Peggie was suspended by NHS Fife after she expressed discomfort at b...

https://forwomen.scot/05/02/2025/rules-of-misogyny/