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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who seems to be unreasonable and greedy? Looking for unbiased opinions and perspectives.

161 replies

SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 00:01

Indian family of 4 sons; father passed away leaving a will (registered and valid) splitting inheritance equally (25% each). Family migrated to the UK when kids were young.

  • 1st son: Rebellious, estranged from parents for years, had a love marriage parents didn’t support. Claims to have signed a document 4 decades ago renouncing inheritance (no copy exists). Wants his 25%, plans to pass it to his kids.
  • 2nd son: No contact with parents, divorced twice, parents still cared and loved him.
  • 3rd son: Family favourite, expected to inherit everything or at least exclude eldest brother. Divorced once, remarried recently.
  • 4th son: Follows 3rd son’s lead, divorced once, remarried recently.

Conflict: Eldest son’s brothers call him greedy/selfish for claiming his 25%. They thought inheritance would exclude him due to that old signed paper. Eldest wants to keep his share for his kids, not sell.

Question: Is the eldest son selfish for wanting the 25% left to him in the will?

YABU: Yes
YANBU: No

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:46

autienotnaughty · 04/08/2025 04:34

4 sons left 25% each. What they do with their 25% is upto them. If eldest son wants to keep his, give his back, give it to his kids or give it to charity it’s up to him.
The dad wanted them to have 25% each sons 2,3,4 need to respect that. It’s not grabby of son 1 to keep it, it is grabby of 2,3,4 to expect it.

He said he doesn't want the land himself, he'll just give it to his or charity but he's not letting them have it due to abusive phone calls and swearing. He has blocked them all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:48

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 04/08/2025 04:47

Why is your husband taking the calls? Does he not understand how to use the block function, or cut off a call?

Show quote history

He blocked his brothers but they used their Mums phone to ring him, which was most upsetting.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:49

99bottlesofkombucha · 04/08/2025 05:06

3rd son is a tosser and if I were his dad I’d have written him out of the will and given a share direct to any daughters he had. Eldest son should block (or record and send to police if they might listen) or say if you were a better son and looked after your mum this might not have happened. My share is going to my children. And I’d make sure that happens.

2 3 & 4 all sound pretty horrible people.

Eldest son denounced his inheritance in his 20's but made up because his Dad wanted to before he died. He and his wife took care of him, said let's leave what happened in the past and move on. He decided to leave equal share, which we didn't know until we saw the will. It was kept hidden.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:50

Zanatdy · 04/08/2025 05:12

The family can protest all they like, but tough. He needs to keep them all blocked. He has every right to pass his inheritance onto his children.

I agree.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:50

KingfisherAmmonite · 04/08/2025 05:30

He needs to stop picking up the phone.

If he hasn't sorted out his will already, he needs to.

Then refuse to engage whenever the topic comes up.

By continuing to get involved it's as if he also enjoys the drama.

Oh sorry if I wasn't clear, the brothers are blocked but they're using their Mums phone to ring which is most distressing. He's blocked her now too.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:52

Weepixie · 04/08/2025 05:39

Two sons estranged from the family, 3 sons divorced, everyone at each others throat. It very much appears that the family were/are dysfunctional with a capital D and the parents probably have a lot to answer for. Hopefully the eldest will have enough sense to stop answering the phone to anyone and do what he wants to with his inheritance.

Op, you need to just let them all get on with it.

The parents oh my god, they we're awful. Picked favourites and treated sons so poorly. Didn't attend weddings, spread gossip and just generally all around awful that half their kids went NC. The parents definitely played a part in the divorces, that's why eldest son keeps a distance. He doesn't want the same happening to him. They were using their Mums phone to ring, but she's blocked now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:53

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 04/08/2025 05:50

Surely if the dad didn't want eldest to inherit he would have written his will to reflect that? He had 40 years to do so.

He denounced his inheritance in his 20's but his Dad passed away in his 60's. So 4 decades, give or take.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:55

Pipsquiggle · 04/08/2025 06:04

DS3 sounds like a real dickhead.

The most straightforward thing to do is follow the will.

Was the will written pre or post DS1 'disinheriting' himself? If after, DS3 literally doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Why does DS3 think daughter's shouldn't inherit? Is he a misogynist as well or is it just his nieces not his nephews he has an issue with?

Basically, in his 20's he signed a document saying he doesn't want any inheritance. But, his father passed away in his 60's leaving a will which includes him and his wife with equal 25% share.

DS3 thinks land/property should go to sons only, as the girls eventually will get married and have a different surname. They don't belong to this family as after getting married, they will leave. Boys don't leave after marriage. It's misogynistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:55

Daschund1 · 04/08/2025 06:06

I don't know why you bother asking. You have a position, think it's right and aren't changing it, regardless of whether YABU, so this is an exercise in futility.

Because eldest son gave up inheritance in his 20's but he's now in his 60's!

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:56

PoppyFleur · 04/08/2025 06:06

@SequinTheDay it sounds to me like the parents caused the estrangement with the eldest son due to him marrying someone he loved, rather than who they chose/approved of. However, in the intervening years the other 3 sons have married and then divorced, whereas the eldest son’s marriage has endured. I suspect the father regretted his decision and made amends through the will be recognising the relationship and mentioning both the son and daughter in law in his will.

The elder son should ignore his brothers and reflect upon the message his father has delivered through the will; he is effectively recognising the harm caused, his role in the estrangement and apologising to his son, daughter in law and by extension, his grandchildren.

Yeah, you've got it right!

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:57

Cinaferna · 04/08/2025 06:12

Split it 4 ways, as stated in the document. Don't squabble with family over unearned income. They are all his sons. They all inherit. 1st son is honouring his plan not to inherit directly but wants his children to benefit from the family estate. Who wouldn't?

4 sons. 25% each. Problem solved.

I agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:57

windyfarmers · 04/08/2025 06:14

His father wanted him to have a share despite him relinquishing any right in a likely unenforceable, coerced document so tough. He then also has a right to do a deed of variation and pass it on to his children. Doesn't matter what the others want, why should he care? Let the golden boy throw his tantrum.

True!

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:58

windyfarmers · 04/08/2025 06:17

In that case I'd leave it 50/50 to my daughters and my son an equal amount from my own estate just to piss him off!

Show quote history

I'd do the same. Its so sexist and pathethic.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:58

Starseeking · 04/08/2025 06:25

You are obviously wife of the 1st son. Your DH is already estranged from his original family; I don’t understand why he’s giving headspace to any of his brothers’ diatribe. Any time they ring I’d just not answer if I saw it was them calling, or put it down as soon as I heard their vice if they called from an unknown number.

Disconnect from them and enjoy the land your FIL left you in peace, as your DC’s should also be free to enjoy their inheritance.

True!

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 12:59

Lairymary · 04/08/2025 06:36

Yeah 4 ways is the fairest, but it's not that simple when greed comes in to it. If the will is all legal and above board and already processed, all you can do is block, ignore and get on with your lives, doesn't sound like any love lost. What's confusing me (unless I've got the wrong end of the stick) if son 1 was estranged because of his love marriage, how is it that the wife has been left land?

First son made up with his son because he was about to die. He and his wife said let leave what happens in the past. They took care of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:00

TheAmusedQuail · 04/08/2025 06:39

If there is no documentation, he gets a share. It is what it is.

It strikes me that this shouldn't be the only conflict though. Bro 2, due to estrangement, also hasn't 'earned' his inheritance. If you have one rule, it surely has to be for all?

Unfair? Probably.

Edited

Son 2 has recently gone none contact because his Mum wants to give inheritance to DS3 only. Son 2 has refused to give up his share. DS3 wanted to inherit the lot and expected to.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:01

sesquipedalian · 04/08/2025 06:54

“father passed away leaving a will (registered and valid) splitting inheritance equally (25% each)”

Surely that should be an end of the matter. Irrespective of what the other brothers want, the father (whose money/land it was) has left it equally to all children. End of story. I can’t think any court would over-rule this, and indeed, the civil courts take a dim view of family squabbles and tend to bill accordingly. The person in all this who actually has cause to be put out is your father’s disinherited wife. As to the third son wanting the eldest son to sign over his share so he can leave it to his children, if I were the eldest son, I’d tell him to do one. And if I were the mother, I’d have nothing to do with the horrid son who threw her out, and I’m not sure why she’s taking the third son’s side when he and first son refused to have her either. My advice to you, OP, is to stop answering your phone to them - they can shout and swear all they like, but legally, they can do nothing.

I agree. DS3 is Mums favourite.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:02

Scottishgirl85 · 04/08/2025 06:55

Sons 2,3,4 have all been divorced and sound like morons if they're fighting and swearing at each other over money, so none of them are squeaky clean from a traditional Indian perspective... Son 1 sounds the most sensible, ignoring wishes for arranged marriage, good for him. What do you mean by him being "rebellious"?! Will should be followed.

Edited

Rebellious basically doing what he wants to do, not following instructions given by his parents which equates to love marriage and other general stuff. For example, wanting to cut his hair etc. Nothing illegal, he's never been in prison or anything like that.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:03

TheAmusedQuail · 04/08/2025 06:56

Ahhhhhh. This is where the conflict comes in. Mummy is backing up favourite boy. OR is she working the relationship of the son who presumably looks after her? How old is she? In her 80s? Poor lady.

It strikes me, that due to the amount of divorce in the family, son one is looking like the responsible, dependable one, which is possibly why Dad has mentioned DS1's wife in the will, despite officially not approving of love marriage.

Edited
Show quote history

I think in her mid 80's or 90's but I'm not sure. It's all so stupid and pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:04

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/08/2025 06:57

There is a will, the executors have no choice but to split it as stated.

I agree.

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JMSA · 04/08/2025 13:05

Funny how they don’t ‘estrange’ themselves from the cash.

Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:05

Twiglets1 · 04/08/2025 06:59

It's natural and understandable that son 1 is thinking about his own children at this point and even if he did renounce the will verbally when younger, now he is older & more mature he is thinking about this from the point of view of his children's best interests.

Anyway, the will is the will and the father made his decision about how things should be split when he made the will. So if I were son 1 then I would be ignoring siblings and just sticking to the terms of the actual legal will.

He gave it up in his 20's, but he's now is in his 60's. He just wants to give it to his kids as his health is not great and travelling back and forth to India, he doesn't want to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:06

Scottishgirl85 · 04/08/2025 07:04

Son 1 has changed his mind re renouncing, now he sees the farce of arranged marriages in his family all leading to divorce. Whole family sounds awful, given the poor wife has no control over money following her husband's death.

I agree. Only the father could do the will as everything is in his name and the will can't be challenged now.

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Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:08

WhereIsMyLight · 04/08/2025 07:26

Your husband renounced his inheritance on marrying you. He decided any inheritance wasn’t worth it for the family he wanted to create with you. I can see how that is annoying to other siblings that this family, your children, now gets to inherit. Especially as all the others have presumably not had love marriages and arranged marriages. They’ve not had a choice in who they start a family with and have all been divorced at least once as a result. Don’t underestimate what seeing your older brother fall in love and choose between his love and his parents has done to make the younger brothers not consider falling in love and taking the arranged marriage.

That being said, your FIL obviously saw this as a making amends to you and your husband. You are both named in his will after he had 40 years to file the paperwork for disinheriting. Former wives aren’t included so presumably the will was made relatively recently or updated as divorces happened. It’s legally your husband’s inheritance and he can do what he likes with it. The will should be respected as that this your FIL’s last wish.

I don’t really think any of you, including your MIL and FIL, have behaved particularly well. All the sons are being greedy, just because your husband is passing it to your children, it doesn’t mean he isn’t greedy for keeping something he renounced 40 years ago. It’s a very sorry affair all round.

If your husband wants to keep a relationship with his family, he should apologise for making rash decisions about the inheritance when he was younger that he isn’t planning on keeping now he’s older. He should acknowledge the effect his choosing you over his parents had on his younger siblings and their likely marriage troubles. Say he feels that his dad was reaching out to make amends and he’s keeping it, end of. If he doesn’t want to keep the relationship going, block all their, change your numbers and go about your lives.

I agree with your first paragraph, DS3 has done a love marriage now but his Mum has said love marriages are fine now because he's done it.

I also agree with the rest, it's such a mess and so pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinTheDay · 04/08/2025 13:08

Jennaveeve · 04/08/2025 07:28

The OP sounds like the grabby one here. All the pearl clutching with the “swearing” 🤣 We get it, you want your children to get the money - but actually he made a big song and dance about renouncing it for his love match, but when it comes down to it, he just wants the cash, exactly the same as his brothers. And yet they are the embarrassing ones?

I agree, I can see this view point too.

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