To embarrass dd(11)?

[tothemitis]

I am an adult with my own dc, my mum has younger children (my half siblings). My dd and my half sister are a similar age (11+12).

My mum is an oversharer and has history of not respecting my sisters privacy. I don’t mind her telling me things because I’m an adult and can keep a secret but I have asked her over and over again to not tell dd anything which she was respecting.

My sister has had some, at least for her embarrassing medical issues recently. Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. I specifically told dd that she forgets about that and never repeats it which she promised to.
Next day she goes and messages my sister about what she was told.

Normally we take my siblings away with my dc in the holidays, my sister now doesn’t want to come obviously as she is upset that dd knows about her personal problems.

I’m really disappointed in dd for being unkind and breaking our promise and the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd so that she can experience what it feels like and so my sister isn’t in such a vulnerable position.

Wibu to? I know it’s unkind and makes me as bad as my mum but I don’t know what else I can do.

Yes, 11 is old enough to know to keep it to herself, but this is on your mum. She should have kept your sister’s personal info to herself. Then again, if I was your sister I wouldn’t be telling your mum anything that I wasn’t happy with everyone knowing - it sounds like she has form for being unable to keep things quiet.

She’s 11.

YABU. Your DD owes her aunt an apology, she shouldn't be repeating gossip, but she's 11 and its your mum you should really be angry at for spreading the gossip in the first place. You shouldn't use humiliation of your child as a punishment.

You are the adult, it’s not reasonable for you to break your DD’s trust in retaliation for her being mean to your sister. Ultimately your mum was wrong for sharing your sisters embarrassing personal issues but don’t do the same to your own daughter. There should be consequences for your DD being mean but the consequence shouldn’t be to embarrass her, what would you do if this was a friend at school or a club? What are your usual consequences for bad behaviour?

YABU.

You’re a grown adult with a child yourself and yet you can’t think of a single other way to deal with this? Genuinely? Wow

I would not do that. It will break your trust with your DD who is just 11. She shouldn’t be punished for what is the adults’ mistake.

I’d ask for my dd to speak to my sister, apologise for repeating things she’d heard and assure your sister it wouldn’t happen again or go any further.

You and your Mum should not discuss your sister around your daughter and should also apologise.

Unless she was nasty to your sister the only person at fault here is your mum.

All she’s basically done is tell on your mum for running around telling everyone and their dog her business.

I’d never deliberately embarrass my child, it would make you no better than your wide mouthed mother either.

Also, if you want to teach your child that gossiping is wrong then lead by example. When your mum starts, point out that it is not kind, polite, to talk about other people. Your DD can’t copy behaviour she doesn’t see!

Yes I know ultimately this is my mums fault but I’m not responsible for her behaviour and I am DD’s.
I believe dd understood that she shouldn’t repeat it and why, she did so purely to be unkind.

Tell her she needs to apologise, punish her appropriately and tell her if she ever does anything like that again then your sister might just be told an equally embarrassing story about her, so she knows what it feels like. You obviously don’t need to follow through but the risk of it happening may be enough to make her stop and think and not do anything like that again.

You need to educate and discipline your dd, not humiliate her. You want her to learn the value of keeping a confidence (even an unwanted one ), not that she can't trust you

Your mum is the problem. She was happy to tell all to you and your DD. And you enable it, so you are just as bad imho.

Your DD did your sister a favour by telling her that your mum gossips and tells all to you and her cousin (your DD).

Punishing an 11yo for telling her cousin that you and your mum gossip about her health issues behind her back is using her as a whipping girl.

I think that would be a bad idea.

Your DD is 11. Whilst that is perfectly old enough to understand that she shouldn't spread gossip in this way and that it can embarrass and hurt people, she has been set an appalling example by your mother. It is your mother you should be directing your ire at.

You need a serious conversation with DD about why repeating this information to her aunt was inappropriate and wrong, explaining why it is embarrassing and hurtful. Ask her to consider how she would feel if someone shared similar confidential information about her and it was broadcast around. Make her apologise in person to aunt and promise that she really will never do this again.

This. You have a conversation about keeping confidences and personal privacy. Then you get her to rehearse with you how she's going to apologise. Then she apologises.

Humiliating your child is NEVER a good idea.

If you are sure that DD told this deliberately there should be consequences. However doing the same as your mum done is not the answer.
I think it’s a very dangerous trait your mum has. She will end up alienating your sister, and probably you and DD if she goes around telling everyone about your private business.

Don't tit for tat, why do you say your daughter told her just to be unkind, does she normally behave like that.

It's also your fault. Tell your mum it's inappropriate or if you and your mother can't resist at least send your daughter out of earshot.

It's her aunt, not her cousin.

If you'd previously told you'd mum not to tell dd anything why didn't you just stop the conversation.

Can you day to your child you have said something but not actually say it.
Will this have the same effect but without the hurt/ impact.

Obviously that's a terrible idea! Do you want to have a good relationship with your daughter or not?

Actually, you are responsible for your mum’s behaviour in that you are allowing DD to see it. When mum starts talking about someone it’s very simple “nope, we don’t do that, it’s unkind”. Move on.

I am low-key horrified that you would consider this. You, your mother, and your daughter owe your sister an apology. But humiliating your daughter is not the answer.

She isn’t often unkind but the way she said it was definitely meant to upset, she didn’t say btw your mum told me this she basically said ‘ew, that’s gross, why did you let it happen?’

The thing you should do is apologise to your daughter for allowing her to hear gossip from your mum. You tell your daughter that you should have ended the conversation as soon as it began. Then you and you daughter both apologise to your niece because both of you indulged in gossip.
Then since you can't control your mum's actions, you need to make sure that you're ready to interrupt and end any further gossipy conversations she starts