To embarrass dd(11)?

[tothemitis]

I am an adult with my own dc, my mum has younger children (my half siblings). My dd and my half sister are a similar age (11+12).

My mum is an oversharer and has history of not respecting my sisters privacy. I don’t mind her telling me things because I’m an adult and can keep a secret but I have asked her over and over again to not tell dd anything which she was respecting.

My sister has had some, at least for her embarrassing medical issues recently. Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. I specifically told dd that she forgets about that and never repeats it which she promised to.
Next day she goes and messages my sister about what she was told.

Normally we take my siblings away with my dc in the holidays, my sister now doesn’t want to come obviously as she is upset that dd knows about her personal problems.

I’m really disappointed in dd for being unkind and breaking our promise and the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd so that she can experience what it feels like and so my sister isn’t in such a vulnerable position.

Wibu to? I know it’s unkind and makes me as bad as my mum but I don’t know what else I can do.

I really don’t want this to come across as rude but it might be that you have had a not stable role model in your mother and as such you haven’t been taught how to react appropriately to situations (or at least your responses sometimes just miss the mark a tad).

We all feels as though our families are normal and just a bit ‘quirky’ until, for some of us, it suddenly dawns on us that they aren’t. They’re batshit. I get the very strong sense that you may have one of these families. And you haven’t necessarily been shown how to handle things in a normal way because this was a weird idea you had and your mum sounds not too great with her behaviour. Perhaps you need to do some learning on how to deal with kids so you have some more ‘typical’ go to responses when she does something.

I also say this because why do you assume your daughter was being mean? She’d just heard something funny and strange about her aunt, and as a child thought it would be a funny thing to talk about and that everyone would also think this thing was gross too. She probably thought she would be showing how clever and in the loop she was by bringing it up. Unless she has form for being intentionally mean?

That is a horrendous idea and borderline mentally abusive. You and your mother need to not have adult conversations around your child. Do not punish her for the fact you and your mam were gossiping. Jesus christ on a bike.

Because I didn’t realise the way the conversation was going untill she said it at which point I removed dd but she now already knew

Where does the OP say she deliberately upset her sister by saying something she knew would upset her. An 11 year old is old enough to know better particularly when she's specifically been told not to.

You’re just going to have to keep repeating and asking and reminding that if your DD is there is need to be information that is appropriate to be said in front of her.

Or you’re going to have to only meet for chats when the daughters are not there.

It’s not her fault your mum can’t adult. Because that’s what it boils down to when she’s sharing embarrassing things about her daughter in front of your daughter who’s around the same age and possible friendship overlap, she’s not using her adult brain to go oh no wait DGD is there and she doesn’t or shouldn’t know about this.

Yanbu to ask dd how she’d feel if you told your mum or sister one of her embarrassing secrets but you would be unreasonable to actually do it. She’s already or about to start a phase of friendships that can be full of drama and humiliating her risks her repeating your behaviour when she deals with people at school bring dicks. Does dd understand why the tone of her text was mean? Did dd consider the possibility that sister would tell you and she’d get into trouble?

Your mum is the problem and Yabu to dismiss it as can’t control other people” when she’s a grown adult who should be able to control her impulses better. While she didn’t tell dd to text her aunt, she shouldn’t have shared the embarrassing info either. You could have said to her that you’ll listen to the gossip later when dd wasn’t around.

Do you share your embarrassing stories with your mums or will you, your dd and your sister accept that you should never share that kind of info in future?

Your mum is responsible for telling you both your sisters personal information.

You are responsible for allowing her to do so in earshot of your DD.

Your DD is responsible for telling her cousin what she knew.

Your DD and your sister are the children in this.

You need to apologise to your sister for not stopping your mum - at least in earshot of DD.

Your DD needs to apologise to her cousin for repeating what she heard.

You need to tell your sister why you respect her discomfort about going on holiday with you but that you’d live for her to come and guarantee that this will not be discussed. I’d also suggest you 2 have a day just the 2 of you while your away with an activity is her choice.

But don’t put this on the 11yo more than you are putting it on your mum - or yourself.

I think that the adults in this situation need to start behaving like adults and set these 11-12 year olds a better example. For your half sister's sake I really hope that she has an adult in her life that she can trust if her family is so dysfunctional.

She's ELEVEN. Kids ask questions. Kids do things they shouldn't do. Kids mess up. Kids do NOT need to be intentionally humiliated be their parent to show them where they went wrong. What's your Mum's punishment for gossiping and spreading personal information?

I can't believe you'd actually do this. Make her apologise and talk to her about the shame she'd feel in the same situation. But look at your Mum's actions first and foremost. She needs to shoulder a large chunk of the blame here.

Of course you would be unreasonable to deliberately choose to disclose a private issue relating to your daughter.
It would ruin your relationship and she would never fully trust you again.

This is on your mother who told a child something confidential about another child.

You need to work out how to reconcile between the two children but your mother needs to accept & acknowledge to her daughter that she is the one who caused the issue by disclosing private information.

Well it’s not exactly setting a good example to your DD if you do tell something about her to even things out is it? “DD, don’t ever do that again, but I’m going to do it.”

Your mother is the issue here. It’s absolutely unacceptable that she even told you, never mind your DD. And whilst your sister’s feelings might be mainly of embarrassment at the moment, ultimately that will be replaced by anger and a lesson that her mother can’t be trusted. She won’t be inclined to go to her mother with issues etc in future if this is what happens.

You tell your daughter to leave the room then. You’re a parent, can’t you work that out?

Omg no!

Also kind of speaks loudly that your mum doesn’t have anyone else at all
bar you she can possibly talk to about this. No friends? No partner? The child father if she’s single?

Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. - she was out of order.

It is worth asking why your DD decided to do what she did. Does this tell you something about her relationship with her aunt? .... that something is amiss there? She must have known you would find out, so something fairly powerful must be driving this. You need to tell her how disappointed you are in her whilst also being the adult and asking yourself what might be behind this.

Oh .... and talking of being the adult applies to this sentence of yours, which I can barely believe ...the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd Really? Do you seriously think this would be the action of a grown adult who needs to model good behaviour?

Head and wobble springs to mind .....

then she learns to speak to you privately and not when your daughter is there. Other people have already said that most of us think our families are normal but honestly this is not. I get that your mother may need your support but not NOT in front of your daughter

was iot a child or an adult?

You shouldn't shame her. But explain how people will not trust you anymore and there's nothing wrong with being discreet and keeping things private if they are about another person.

Not everything needs to be public information.

But equally I wouldn't say it in front of someone that young as I'd feel they might not keep it to themselves sufficiently.

Just to confirm I am not going to do it and also that I did stop my mum once I knew what she was saying but she had already said it.
Ive tried repeatedly to get her to stop telling things to dd and she had for the last few months listened so I wasn’t expecting her to now.

Are YOU 11 FFS. no that's not what an adult does. An adult tells their mother to shush because she's being inappropriate and discusses things away for a child. This is on you.

Deliberately embarrassing and humiliating your child is a form of emotional abuse, you could find yourself in serious bother if your DD tells school about your "punishment".

Definitely not. All that will do is teach DD she can’t trust you with anything “embarrassing”.

Id take her phone off her if she messaged her off her own phone and let it know it’s gone until she can be trusted to use it kindly and responsibly.

well but she is not being set a good example is she?

You need to grow up! You need to have a serious chat with your mum… it’s her fault after all

You and your mother are adults. Your daughter is a child.

Do you really need to ask who is at fault here?

Tell your mother not to tell you personal information about your sister in your dds presence - if she really needs to offload, she can wait until your dd isn't there, or ask to speak to you in confidence.

You can have a chat with your dd, but please don't tell her off. Maybe tell her that Grandma shouldn't have said that in front of her and ask her how she would feel if someone said something similar about her to her Aunt