To embarrass dd(11)?

[tothemitis]

I am an adult with my own dc, my mum has younger children (my half siblings). My dd and my half sister are a similar age (11+12).

My mum is an oversharer and has history of not respecting my sisters privacy. I don’t mind her telling me things because I’m an adult and can keep a secret but I have asked her over and over again to not tell dd anything which she was respecting.

My sister has had some, at least for her embarrassing medical issues recently. Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. I specifically told dd that she forgets about that and never repeats it which she promised to.
Next day she goes and messages my sister about what she was told.

Normally we take my siblings away with my dc in the holidays, my sister now doesn’t want to come obviously as she is upset that dd knows about her personal problems.

I’m really disappointed in dd for being unkind and breaking our promise and the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd so that she can experience what it feels like and so my sister isn’t in such a vulnerable position.

Wibu to? I know it’s unkind and makes me as bad as my mum but I don’t know what else I can do.

No role modeling your dds poor choice back to her is not a good parenting strategy.

I would give her a consequence for not doing what you said - loss of phone for a period. I would also have her ring your sister and apologise for her behaviour.

id also want to get to bottom of why she thought it would be a good thing to do.

Confiscating the phone seems a proportionate consequence and a much better idea :)

Why not tell her off? She’s certainly old enough to know that you don’t break confidences. Or I hope she is-she’s going to have problems with friendships if she doesn’t.

Havent rtft

When your dm started you should have told her "mum stop" and removed your dd (& yourself if needed) from the room

Your mum is 90%+ of this problem.

Your dd and I'd be having a conversation with about privacy and diplomacy and respecting other people information and need for discretion.
You have a chat about empathy ask how would you like if you told x about y?
If its not hitting home allude to telling them it irl and when shes panics say "see its not nice"

Her aunt is her family and she owes her a proper apology and needs to plan something nice (day out or something) to make it up to her.

The phone she has shown " she isnt responsible enough for" would be getting removed for a while.

This is definitely on your mum. Omg definitely do not tell her an embarrassing story about your daughter, that is so damaging to your relationship with her.

She's 11. I wouldn't expect an 11 year old to keep a secret.

I'm really glad that you're not going to do a tit for tat with an embarrassing incident relating to your daughter. That would be so unkind.

I think 11 is old enough to know and understand about trust and not breaking secrets. In fact, it seems to me that your daughter deliberately messaged your sister with the information, to upset her.

Imo there should be some sort of punishment for your daughters unkindness

Your mother ......well......hopeless! EACH time she starts a sentence id say "don't say anything indiscreet Mum"

After a while she might get the message. She's very childlike isn't she?

I wonder if your daughter has the gossip/unkind gene from Grandma?

I agree that the mum is appalling. But I would also expect an 11 year old to keep a secret. Or at least not deliberately go straight to the person involved and tell them. It’s not as if she let it slip accidentally.

I really hope you aren’t seriously considering this idea. It reads like something two 12 year olds would come up with between themselves that would lead to a massive falling out at school. What a truly horrible idea.

Your daughter should have known better but why? None of the adults around her did. Your responsibility is to teach this, she won’t know it by instinct or by learning through shared humiliation.

I see that you are now admitting your mother is at fault. It’s simple - she can’t be around your daughter if she cannot stop being cruel about other people. Tell her this and mean it. My father in law used to say racist things sometimes and everyone was telling me I had to let it go, that he was old and couldn’t learn and etc etc. We had my daughter and I warned him she wouldn’t be hearing any of that garbage. He said something once, I took her out of the room and told him I would not hesitate to continue to avoid him and guess what? He learned. He’s never ever done that nonsense again. Your mother can learn too.

Also make sure to never tell your mother anything about yourself - and remind your daughter as well. Your mother won’t only be talking to you so anything you tell her will be shared too.

Your Mum sounds entirely insufferable. Your poor sister. Please start calling Mum out on her behaviour going forward, and take the role of reliable trustworthy adult for your sister and let her know that she’s got you on her side. God knows she’ll need it with a Mum like that, especially with puberty looming.

No, she's not. I agree. That's why I said she shouldn't embarrass her.

Why would you deliberately embarrass your dd, as an adult is that the best you can come up with in retaliation for your dd not keeping a secret. Maybe dont speak about private and personal things in front of a child.

I wouldn’t do what you’ve proposed, no. But I would talk about how she’d feel if I did. I would also use a specific example of an embarrassing story-don’t make it an abstract concept to her.
”Jane, what you did to aunty Lisa was really horrible and nasty. I didn’t realise you were capable of being so mean to someone. Remember last year when you wet the bed-imagine if I called aunty Lisa now and told her about that; and she sent you a nasty message about it? Do you see how embarrassing that would be?”. Force her to put herself in someone else’s shoes.

I'm glad you've decided not to do it, I don't think it's ever a good idea to break your childs trust in you - you want her to be able to come to you with problems, not think they might one day be used against her as punishment.

"[aunty] already felt bad about it, and now on top of that she knows her mum didn't respect her privacy, and you have purposely been unkind about it. I would never tell her about xyz, imagine how you'd feel if I did? Nan shouldn't have said it, but you are old enough to realise you shouldn't have used it against [aunty] and I'm really disappointed that you did" - that would have been enough for me to feel terrible about it at that age. Obviously if she doesn't seem to care then you've got a bigger problem!

That is not what I meant. I meant OP and her mum gossipping on very personal matters in front of a child as if it is perfectly normal to casually share such information. The act of casual sharing of private information is a cue to her DD that its not private info, and sharing it is perfectly ok…and is in direct conflict with OP telling DD “don’t say anything” when OP and her mum were perfectly at home saying it all in front of DD.

This. You sound as mature as your DD and mum 🙄🤨 Just sit down and be clear with her that you specifically said not to discuss this and to forget about it. Even with that being said, it is not fair on your child to be encouraging her to keep secrets. But moreover, you need to be setting boundaries with your mum clearly and in no uncertain terms that she needs to keep her discussions appropriate with your child and if not she cannot be trusted around her and you will act accordingly. This is on your mum not respecting what you have already told her not your daughter who is a child.