To embarrass dd(11)?

[tothemitis]

I am an adult with my own dc, my mum has younger children (my half siblings). My dd and my half sister are a similar age (11+12).

My mum is an oversharer and has history of not respecting my sisters privacy. I don’t mind her telling me things because I’m an adult and can keep a secret but I have asked her over and over again to not tell dd anything which she was respecting.

My sister has had some, at least for her embarrassing medical issues recently. Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. I specifically told dd that she forgets about that and never repeats it which she promised to.
Next day she goes and messages my sister about what she was told.

Normally we take my siblings away with my dc in the holidays, my sister now doesn’t want to come obviously as she is upset that dd knows about her personal problems.

I’m really disappointed in dd for being unkind and breaking our promise and the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd so that she can experience what it feels like and so my sister isn’t in such a vulnerable position.

Wibu to? I know it’s unkind and makes me as bad as my mum but I don’t know what else I can do.

In that case dd needs to apologise and a chat with you about being hurtful.

You tell your mum again that she cannot say these things in front of your child she’s 11 and shouldn’t be burdened with keeping all these secrets.

You're just passing your frustration onto someone smaller and weaker because you can't get at the person who's really responsible though. You could have interrupted your mum mid- verbal diarrhoea and stopped her if you'd wanted to.

Maybe tell her that you will publicise her embarrassing information, give her time to take that in, but don't do it? Then have a serious talk with her about how she made your sister feel.

To be clear I didn’t engage in gossip with my mum in front of dd, once I knew what was being said I stopped the conversation and took dd away.

It was less than 10 words and I didn’t know what my mum was saying untill she’d said it.

This. By all means have a convo with your daughter but this is on your mother and you should put the blame where it belongs.....she tells an 11 year old about other people's medical issues???? I mean W the actual F?

But you know what she is like. I would be stopping her telling you private stuff about other people too.

The 11 year old gossips because of her ‘role model’ grandmother.

Are you 11 yourself? Two wrongs dont make a right. By all means punish her, but dont act childishly.

Why was she even telling you about your sister's medical issues?

Your Mum has a history of sharing your sisters business. Then you need to address your mother. Allowing her to talk in front of DD is setting a poor example. I think maybe next time in front of DD and ideally your poor sis too, you should tell your mother that going forward you would rather personal things were kept private and DSis can tell you what's happening in her life when she wants to. Put your Mum on the spot, call her out. Also ask her to apologise for sharing private info and maybe at the same time ask DD to also apologise.

My DS did a few things like that at that age, it was absolutely vindictive and meant to cause a stir. I don't think humiliation is the answer but good example by showing zero tolerance of others is. For a time there were little things I made a point of not telling DS and it would drive him mad and I would say 'I'd love to tell you but I feel you can't be trusted after the last incident.. let's wait until you are able to understand etc.' That seemed to work (eventually).

Did she message her using her phone? If so, she needs it to be taken away. If she can't be kind then she clearly can't be trusted.

There's no need to humiliate her but she does need a consequence.

You daughter is just following the example she is being set. We gossip about our family! If your mum had been shut down initially by you it would have not been repeated. You're responsible for not allowing gossip. If you want a higher standard you have to set it. Do nothing to your daughter. She knows no better.

Genuinely how do you suggest I do that?
I have asked her so many times not to, aside from cutting contact with her which isn’t an option as she is vulnerable and doesn’t have any other support network plus she’s my mum and I love her.

Ultimately I would rather she told me than someone else though.

Well she got her cues from you and your mum. You can’t be a do as I say, not as I do role model.

Just get up and walk out of the room every time she refuses to stop gossiping.

I get the message though, I haven’t and won’t do it and I said in my OP I knew it was unkind and made me as bad as my mum.
It’s just a very difficult and frustrating situation and I’m disappointed in dd.

I think talking to dd about how she would feel if I went around telling everyone something embarrassing about her will do the trick.
As well as loss of phone for sending mean messages and having to give a sincere apology.

I would tell your daughter what you are thinking of doing and ask her how she would feel if you did that.

If she is fine with it then do it, if not, then ask her why she thought it was ok to do exactly the same to your sister. See what she says and then make a decision.

Has your dd apologised to your sister?

so so true

As soon as she mentions a name or an identifier, say "Mum I do not want to know" and massively change the subject. Tell her she is setting a bad example for your daughter and therefore she can no longer spend time with her.

Strange and very unreasonable.

I think talking to dd about how she would feel if I went around telling everyone something embarrassing about her will do the trick

I would do this but I'd make it specific to her and really try and get her to think about it and hopefully squirm at the thought.

So not a generic 'what if I told her something embarrassing about you?'. A really specific 'what if I told her that you still wet the bed? Imagine that. Think about her knowing and messaging you and saying ew that's gross, how would you feel? Imagine she told someone else - how does that feel?' etc.

why should you expect your 11 year old daughter to do better than your adult mother?....or better than you for that matter?

I know you've probably had an inappropriate example of parenting to learn from but please do not humiliate your DD, it won't foster a good relationship at all and will teach her to not trust you.
She needs to apologise sincerely and you need to make sure your mother doesn't do this again, protect your child from her strange grandmother.

Why didn’t you stop your mum? When you realised the way the conversation was going, why didn’t you say, “Mum, this sounds private. We don’t talk about this stuff when X is in the wrong so stop now.”

And what if it’s something she is struggling with and doesn’t know how to deal with?
If I refuse to let her talk about things with me she might try talk about it with someone else and she doesn’t have anyone else trusted around her.

I get it’s confusing because I can’t give the full backstory in one post but my mums intentions aren’t bad and I do want her to tell me things about my siblings so I can advise and keep an eye.
She had recently until this point been respecting not telling dd anything but it’s not realistic for me to cut contact.