Sister in law weird behaviour

[idontknowwhereiam]

To cut a long story short I have 2 sister in laws. One of them I’m really close with, the other completely opposite. I’ve been nothing but respectful towards the other one even though she’s always the one to cause a drama and make a problem out of everything. We have never really gotten along but I’ve always been there for her and my nieces and nephews despite not being her biggest fan of weird behaviour, she would throw digs here and there, talk behind my back to her sister, would have a problem with me without me doing anything like for example she had a problem I went on my own holiday with MY husband & MY child? 🤣 if I said no to babysitting (very rare I say no) but on this occasion I didn’t have my own son and I got hit with you don’t want to know my kids card. If I did things with my child and my other sister in laws children she would have a problem, even stuff like me just visiting her sisters house to pop in for a cup of tea and her sister messages asking why I am there, or if she knows I’m there she goes in a mood with her sister 🤷🏼‍♀️Recently I’ve been tipped over the edge of some stuff she’s been doing and saying as it’s always a toxic circle of her having a problem or making a problem and playing victim, me then apologising to keep the peace for her sister (enough though I haven’t done anything) and then going back to the start and I have decided to completely distance myself now as her behaviour keeps on getting worse. I still get her children birthday presents Christmas presents etc even though I never get a thank you I always do as the kids have done nothing wrong. She says to her sister that she doesn’t have a problem with me but her actions say other wise, not speaking to me in person, passive aggressive behaviour towards me and my child, the list goes on and her sister knows that. She recently removed me off social media (which is fair enough) but then complained to her sister that I didn’t message her son a happy birthday (I don’t have her phone number and I already dropped a present and a card off) her sister has a daughter who’s birthday is coming up this week coming and she’s invited everyone. The sister who has a problem asked if I was going (of course I am, I am really close to my other sister in law and her children and she knows this) and has made a big thing of it saying she’s not going if I go. Obviously that puts me in a uncomfortable position and it also puts her sister in a uncomfortable situation as she’s basically saying pick her or me. I just don’t know what to do about her, I’m still going to support my niece and her birthday, and I will always be respectful but I’m just so drained of it now I’ve put up with it for 7 years, but it just always feel like I’m made out to be a problem when I’ve kept to myself. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by distancing myself but the more I have distanced the more it seems to piss her off, but I’m constantly having messages off her sister complaining that she’s complaining to her. I just don’t know what to do. I recently went on holiday and turned my phone off for a week and it was so nice and calm I wish I could go back but the day I got back I got message after message of her sister complaining about her sister’s behaviour

Have you considered that your 'nice' sister in law is just a shit stirrer? You don't know what she's saying about you to her sister and she obviously wants to cause trouble by relaying to you what the 'nasty' sister in law is saying about you! I'd distance myself from both of them - your DH is obviously not bothered about retaining a relationship with his family so why are you?

Sometimes familes are tricky and it's all very well to say block every one, step away but when you all have children you want them to get along.

Clearly grumpy SIL is spoiling for a fight/drama. Don't give in to it. You know you sent a card and a gift for the nephew - she had blocked you. This latest stunt 'I'm not going if she's (you) going'. If it was your party I would say to the ultimatum thrower 'okay, it's a shame but it's your decision' however as it's nice SIL's party, it's up to her to make the decision. It's awkward as it's her sister. But honestly, it seems like nice SIL is fed up with hence her moaning to you.

I would also use your recent holiday as a reason to discuss it with nice SIL. Tell her that you felt a load lifted being away and you've decided to streamline mentally. Among other things you decided you don't want to talk about grumpy SIL anymore, you don't want to know if what she says, who she's angry with, who she has blocked. Time will tell if it's a genuine friendship or just a mutual bonding over disliking grumpy SIL.

So you're a member of the English Language police.

Grow up

So you're a member of the English Language police.

Grow up

Wow, you’re so clever and funny.

Has anyone considered that the good sister is running between everyone and telling tales, making the odd thing up and causing the drama?

Everyone's friend who just has to tell what the other said.....

It’s nice SIL ‘s party and she gets to invite whoever she wants. I would go along and let jealous SIL do what she wants. Tell nice SIL that you don’t want to hear about the all the ins and outs but want to stay friendly with her.

I love you 😂

Because they’re thick as pig shit. 😂

@idontknowwhereiam IThe 2 of them are playing a game with you and you need to stop it. I would ask SIL you like not to talk to you about what her sister is doing because you're piggy in the middle and dont want to play the game anymore. Get her to agree to this.
Steer her to other better topics of conversation and if she strays, say we agreed not to talk about...

I agree cousins bonds are really important so def keep seeing her.

The problematic SIL you probably at the right time need to confront. She's jealous of your relationship with her sister so bear that in mind and if your other SIL has to choose know she'll choose her sister over you, so tread carefully. The conversation is likely to be about all the hurt she has caused you when you have nothing but respect for her, but be clear the relationship is severed. Then I'd say if we see each other at family events, let our kids play with each other, we can be civil. OK? She needs to agree to this too.

I hope that helps.

I would step right back from this shit show and leave it to DH to maintain the cousins relationship.

You've put up with it for 7 years. Longer than I would have. You've put boundaries in place and she doesn't like it. That's her problem.

If your children are preschool age, then they will make friends easily and probably won’t even notice that they see their cousins less. I wouldn’t keep all this toxic rubbish in my life just for the sake of the cousins relationship.

I think the nice sister likes shit-stirring. She probably doesn't want you to be friends with the evil sister.
I would wait till you are together, not at the birthday party, and ask what the problem is.
Have it out with them...don't keep listening to this she said, he said, she said business. It is tedious and unnecessary!
Hopefully the DC will be going to school soon and can make a new circle of friends.

This, I would take this as a massive opportunity to distance myself as well from them.
sounds like you enjoy the drama as well.
why are you allowing her to treat you this way?

if your own husband can’t be bothered why are you desperately running after them?

To be honest it feels like you enjoy the drama.

You need to start shutting down any ranting or conversation about the other SIL, you saying you just say oh right and leave her to rant means you still want to be involved and pulled in.

"I would rather not talk about or get involved in anything that has to do with xx" simple and cut it off. "Nice" SIL is a shit stirrer and I guarantee you that she is also talking to other SIL about you.

You're fortunate that your DH can't be bothered about them so you don't have the added issue of dealing with pressure from your DH and yet you still find ways to be in the middle of all the drama.

I remember this feeling well and wish I hadn't spent so much time and energy on something I couldn't fix. It didn't matter if I didn't break it; family politics were way before me. I just wanted and was expected to fix it for everyone, often at the cost of my own well-being. Ask the Sil you like to stop texting you about the chaos and drama and let them all carry on without bothering you, what people don't change they are choosing. You said yourself how blissful it was without your phone and you can still have a relationship with everyone else but at arm's length. Stop allowing their drama and infighting to have an impact on you and just let them do whatever they do but put yourself first. Bow out of the party gracefully, doesn't sound like it will be fun anyway, send your niece her card and gift wishing her happy birthday, tell your husband to go with the kids and enjoy your peace & quiet or go to the party, fake smile, bite your tongue and take nothing personal, either way don't let this be your problem anymore. Once you find your peace you don't give it up for anyone 😂

I think Nice SIL is stirring the pot a bit.

I read your update that you give non-commital answers, but I think you need to say you don't want to discuss Nasty SIL at all. On repeat, every time she brings it up. And have a few conversion changers up your sleeve, ready to talk about.

And don't let Nasty SIL get to you. Take a mental step back as much as you can and just watch her antics and listen to her utterings like it's an interactive stage production, that you can join in or sit out as you please, and then go home and forget about it.

It's good to promote a relationship between all the cousins if you can, but just don't engage with any shenanigans.