Leaving DP because of his ex.

[Brokenn]

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

• making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
• constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
• making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
• constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
• putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

Before you do, tell your partner that this is how you feel. Is there another option? Another way to put space in between you and her? Can you PD get full custody?

@Floatingdownriver We tried to go to court and they said because the child is a teenager they can make a decision about where they want to live. they also have siblings at their mums house who they love and feel they have to protect, which adds another layer of complexity.

I’m sorry this sounds like a really awful situation. You are right to put you and your dc first though. You can’t offer the support to dsc or partner if this is making you miserable. I hope things turn a corner.

I’m living with constant anxiety of what she’s going to do next. I wake up every day with dread about what abuse is going to happen this week.

Op id be talking to a solicitor abut a cease and desist or some form of restraining order.
I dont think it will stop even if you seperate tbh

I also feel guilty because I have a means of escaping, whereas my stepchild is stuck with their mother for the rest of their life.

I would speak to a solicitor and look into a non-molestation order? And I'd take a written log to police whether or not she's going through the child, it's still harassment and actually should be dealt with by a dv team if they have one as this is domestic abuse from an ex partner.

Does dsd want to continue having contact with her mum outside of her siblings? Can social services facilitate sibling contact without mum being there?

I would write a detailed, factual list of things she's done that have impacted on your dsd and send it along with a complaint to social services and request a review of the case due to the safeguarding concerns relating to the siblings living in the home.

I feel very sorry for your dsd because she's essentially been used as a weapon against you both and its so deeply harmful for a child to be utilised in this way. Does she receive any support from camhs or similar to protect her mental wellbeing? Counselling might also help her recognise that this isn't her mess to solve and protecting her siblings isn't her job, she's a child as well.

We spoke to police about a non-molestation and they said because it mostly comes via our stepchild, ‘a third party’, it’s very difficult for them or the courts to do anything to help us.

That sounds extreme, I think I would be thinking about contacting the police for advice about harassment, and the possibility if a restraining order, although I'm sure you probably don't want to antagonise her.

You shouldn't have to split your family because of her batshittery, but I can see why you're considering it.

Have you called the police? Because this is appalling and possibly illegal. Your DP needs to grow a pair too and stand up for his child(ren) and you.

I would probably feel the same but there’s little you can do for them. Continue to be kind and keep an open line of communication.

She sounds unhinged.
How old is SDC?
It sounds so difficult, I would want to protect my baby from this nonsense.
Would it be am option from your DP to see DSC away from your home?

If we ever stick up for ourselves, not even retaliating, just sending an email for example saying to stop texting our stepchild in this way as it’s distressing, she escalates the behaviour.

Police say they can’t do anything as she’s not harassing us directly, she’s harassing via the child which is a social services issue, but they don’t seem to do much.

@eone Step child is 14. Our home is their stability and safe haven (they’ve said this themselves) and I don’t want to take that away from them which is why I feel like I need to move out and be together but not together if that makes sense. They need their dad, home and bedroom, it’s their safe place.

Non-molestation order could only be taken out by OP’s DP. It wouldn’t & couldn’t apply to op as she’s never been in a relationship with this woman

Don’t punish your husband and step child because she is badshit. Unite with him as a team and go together to get a restraining order. You will also be punishing your joint child because you will only have that child only 50% of yhe time as he/she will also be with her dad, unless you intend to not let your joint child see their dad? U ite and team up with your husband instead of giving up on him, your step child and giving your baby away half the week. Go together police and solicitor urgently

This isn’t about OP punishing her DP, OP has had enough and needs to protect her baby! A restraining order would not be granted because this is being done via a third party (the stepchild). There’s nothing legally that could be done besides a very expensive Cease & Desist letter.

I'm probably in the minority here but if leaving is what's necessary, I'd personally do that as hard as it may be because this situation will soon start affecting your DC.

I understand why your SC feels the way they do, but if your husband has PR then he can stop him from going to his mum’s due to the concerns, if he will comply. Hard at that age of course. Ask SC what they want, how you can support them to live with you full time whilst still having a relationship with their other siblings.

Have you considered contacting social care? This is a clear case of parental alienation.

This. I don't think you'll be any happier if you split, I think you'd feel like she'd " won".

Op, you have a DP problem. He’s not defending you to the extent he could and bloody well should be! So yes, I’d absolutely put the baby first and separate. Best of luck.

what do you think he could be doing more?

one of the issues is, the mum has said things like ‘if you ever went to live with your dad I would kill myself’. So our stepchild feels they cannot live just with us. they’ve also said that they know their mother would stop them having a relationship with their siblings, which she absolutely would do.

Defend you at the very least! He could go round there and read her the riot act. Make it 100% clear that he won’t put up with this bullshit and it stops now. If it doesn’t then he should be paying for a Solicitor’s letter before action or cease & desist. He should also be making it clear to Stepchild not to come running to you every time his/her mum says something mean about you, or to him when she says things about him; To only tell you when the mum is being abusive towards him/her. In other words “Whatever your mum says about me or Brokenn, we don’t want to know but if she’s hurtful towards you, absolutely approach us about it.