Leaving DP because of his ex.

[Brokenn]

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

• making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
• constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
• making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
• constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
• putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

@Brokenn

Can your step child move in with you?

At 14, she'd be gillick competent surely?

Yep, leave. Of course you must. Get well away from her and hide from her. If your husband cares about the health and safety of your child he will support you in every way he can to get away from this dangerous lunatic.

This should have been reported to the police relentlessly, every step of the way. If he has not been doing that, why not?

You are a mother now, your first job is to protect YOUR child. You cannot protect your stepchild, and your husband either can't or won't do anything about the ex, so you must leave.

If she's putting things on social media and sending you paragraphs of abuse I'm pretty sure that amounts to harassment in the least. I'd continue to contact the police every time it happens. Someone I know wasn't initially taken seriously but the more they contacted the police the more they realised there was a problem.

You can move out and even end your romantic relationship with your partner, but you can’t fully escape this mess. You share a child with this man. You will be adding another set of cms payments and another set of custody schedules to the equation.

You personally won’t be there day in and day out and that will probably be a net improvement, but the drama isn’t going away completely and in some ways may intensify.

I've been in a similar situation so you have my full sympathy OP.

Is there any option to cut contact with the SC until such a time as they leave their mothers house?
It isn't ideal but currently the 3 of you are being abused because of that relationship. If SC doesn't feel she can leave the toxic mother yet I don't feel its fair for the 3 of you to continue to be damaged by it.

Alternatively as sad as it is for your child probably is best that you split from dad for a while. Your child deserves to grow up with a mother who isn't depressed and anxious and without being exposed to abuse themselves.

There isn't much that courts and social services can do to help you in my experience. Only tough decisions by you, but you only get one chance at a good childhood for your child who must be your priority

I think your stepchild needs to be in therapy, would it be possible to organise that?

It is not the role of social services to deal with the abuse - it’s your husband’s responsibility to take this matter back to Court and detail that is ex is alienating him from his child. If he can’t do that then he needs to move far away and not tell his ex his forwarding address.

The 14 year old can make a choice to stay with her mother. It’s four years until she’s 18 and even when she’s 18 this drama couple still not be over. You need to move with or without your husband.

I said YABU but purely because I think you’re naive if you think she’ll stop the attacks if you leave. She sounds absolutely unhinged, and I can see a scenario where she carries on.
Can you speak to a solicitor? You might have legal cover with your home insurance. It’s a tricky one but sounds like a case of the broken system allowing her to fall between the cracks. I’m struggling to see why police can’t be involved for harassment though. You should start a diary.

You and Dh need to report the ex to social services and your step child needs to tell them about the abuse. He’s 14 so I think he can choose who to live with once SS is in involved.

I would stay but only with a restraining order and all contact to be stopped. If the SD is a teenager he can arrange all things through her. No need for mum to be involved. So sorry OP I have no idea why Ex’a sometime are so batshit crazy, it’s such a shame for the kids and Damn right embarrassing really isn’t it, grown women throwing their toys out of the pram because they are nasty and jealous.

I am stepmum to 2 SC with an unhinged mum (not anything as bad as you describe) and have our own young DC too. I would absolutely be seeking to be ‘living apart but together’ until DSC is 18 as a minimum in your situation. You have to protect your DC.

I know it’s hard to not feel guilty for DSC but they don’t exist without their mum so you personally cannot change that outcome for them.

PPs scaring you by saying it won’t stop if you move out, at least the police would be able to do something to help you then as it would be direct abuse.

Harassing someone like this simply cannot be legal. I'd definitely consult a lawyer.

I think your SC needs help. From you and from others, possibly a counselor. It’s going to be tough and they may have to endure a lot but they are already going through a lot. Your SC needs to learn about boundaries and what is acceptable and not even if it means cutting off his mother and leaving his siblings. Probably not a popular opinion but I just don’t see another way unfortunately…. And your SC is going to have to deal with this from their mother for the rest of their life. She would at least have a supportive home on your side so would not be alone in it. As for her siblings, are they getting the same treatment? Do they too have dads with partners? Or are they living with their dad and their mum? Maybe life isn’t as bad for them? You need to provide your SC with a loving home and help her build some boundaries.

Sorry I didn’t quite catch if your SC was a SD or a SS so a bit of a mix in my post above. But the advice stands regardless of gender.

Contact the police.

You have listed several criminsl
iffences there op. The police will be able to advise you. You need to do this regardless of where you choose to live. You also need to contact social services. She urgently needs a psychiatric assessment.

This is an awful situation, and one you do not need to live with. Call the police today.

Just a thought. I know it's easy for me to say, but could it be that you're giving her too much power, in your mind? I mean, what can she actually DO to you? Stuff like the phony claims you mention above can be easily proved by you to be fake.

I think she's caused you to have anxiety, which is making you spiral into thinking that you need to leave your husband. The fact is, she cannot do anything to you. Maybe have some cognitive therapy sessions to help realise that she actually has no power over you? Her current power is all psychological, imo. She's got under your skin. And if she causes you to move out, she's won! But the truth is that she is powerless over you and is acting like some big scary grizzly bear when in fact it's just a bear costume. Fuck her! You get some good sleep and then get on with having a great life with your husband, baby, and DSD!

Now, she IS doing real harm to your DSD. That is a child endangerment issue and Social Services should be on that. Your DH should be on their backs. Maybe a visit from SS might help her calm her ways.

Someone said that the DSD is old enough to choose where she lives, but is that true when abuse is going on? SS should threaten her with losing all her children. Or your DH should tell her that if she's not nicer to them, he'll take steps to get them removed. Either way, your DH and/or SS should be working to get through to her that her actions have real consequences. Or perhaps your DH should talk to her about getting help for her MH. Or tell SS that they should do that.

In the meantime, you focus on creating some nice happy family memories - family dinners, game nights, movie nights - and don't let her win.

She's said the child doesn't want to

Yes I would leave. I never believed the whole crazy ex until I experienced it for myself.

Some woman really are bitches and will do anything to sabotage a new relationship. I made it very clear to a recent ex that just because he pandered to his batshit ex and let her rule roost, didn’t mean I would be.

Enjoy your baby away from this shitshow.

You're advocating this man cuts contact with his child because of the abusive mother? Are you for real?!

They have already done that - why don't people read the OP's posts? The child wants to live with the mother.

I would consider this as harrassment. I’d speak with the police to explain everything that’s going on. And show the evidence. Screen shot everything. Keep all emails and letters of proof she’s trying to claim money.
what she’s doing is illegal. It’s abusive. Maybe the police speaking with her with scare her into sense. Maybe it won’t but I would certainly consider reporting her.

Wow, this is a post and a half.
OP has already said that social services are involved. And yes, 14 year olds can generally choose which parent they live with and courts can't and won't make a child live with one if they don't want to. Social services can't threaten her with losing all her children. Or your DH should tell her that if she's not nicer to them, he'll take steps to get them removed - this is not how things work!

OP I'm really sorry. Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt. No other kids in either house in our scenario, and DSD lives with us, but the drama, threats, blocking etc are all so familiar.

DSD is now 18 so it's easier. She shares the crazy communications with her Dad or her friends but not me.

Threatening suicide is child abuse, child services are aware of that? In our case, years later, DSD still gets blamed for "destroying her relationship with her poor adoring mother" by talking to CS and she knows on one level this is bat$h!t but on another she still loves her Mum (but hasn't seen her in 6 months).

Your step child definitely needs therapy, and possibly family therapy with their Dad. A family therapist may invite Mum to partake but don't expect miracles on that front (DSD's Mum refused to engage once the therapist suggested she might be the problem, not DSD and her Dad).

It gets easier as they get older. Would it be possible for you to ask your DP to not keep you informed of the crazy? Honestly, part of me wants to know what's going on but my mental health is so much better since I don't. I mean if DSD comes to me for a cuddle I know something is up (she's 18) and DH will say "Oh, her Mum is blocking her again" or "Another poison pen letter arrived earlier" but I don't know the details.

Your DSC loves their Mum and wants her to be happy, but also loves their Dad and you and knows their Mum is the problem. This is such a horrible position for them to be in.

Over the years if we overhear calls between DSD and her Mum the tone is always placating but every now and again she'll errupt and it's always "Don't you talk about my Dad like that!" She's 18, she understands her Mum's opinion of her Dad concerns us not one iota, but she cannot stand to hear it.

If you need to move out, you need to move out. Living with the second hand crazy is so hard. Could you maybe try family therapy (for your DP and DSC to help them manage) and asking your DP to keep you in the dark (as far as possible) first?

Have you ever been in a situation like this? It is life destroying. I’ve long gone past the ideal of pleasing everyone all the time. We all have one life and you need to simplify the choices down and ultimately someone is going to get hurt.

The options seem to be

1. SC cuts contact with mother
2. DH cuts contact with SC
3. OP leaves marriage and breaks up another family.

Not ideal any of them.

I would push for No 1 with the SC getting support from OP and DH and SS… But this will not stop the abuse for a while unfortunately and possibly not ever.

I’d go to the police. She’s stalking you.