Leaving DP because of his ex.

[Brokenn]

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

• making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
• constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
• making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
• constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
• putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

This is awful. Does your SC have access to counselling? I do agree you should tell them only to tell you about things their mother has said about them directly. Explain why.

This is probably exactly the kind of drama that ex wife is seeking and the kind of thing this family want to avoid. Reading the riot act to this emotionally unstable, abusive woman who uses her child as a weapon, does not sound like a good idea.

My new partner bailed out after a year with me despite everything else in our relationship being really good, also because my ex was batshit crazy. I was devastated and angry that he didn’t stick by me at the time, but honestly now I’m past that I can see how he couldn’t put his life on hold for me, it was a fair enough decision. But I would try and lean on legal help, I got a non mol eventually after he threatened me in the street and was charged. Best. Thing. Ever

Agreed, she’s not rational, she doesn’t see things like a normal person. I think some of the other suggestions might be ok, but reading the riot act will only cause a huge meltdown or reaction or something similar batshit.

The only problem with telling stepchild not to tell us things she says about us, is she sends these things as huge abusive paragraphs. So it’s not just ‘Brokenn is fat and lazy.’

it’s an entire novel about how she was abused by my DP, how she wants to die every day, that she hates my stepchild for seeing us, that I’m fat and lazy and will never be their mother, my DP is responsible for everything bad in her life… it’s difficult for them not to share that with us.

Thank you, it’s helpful to see the perspective of someone in my dps shoes.

This woman is a psychopath and you are desperate to find a way out. However, you know already that what you are suggesting would be cruel and heartless.

When you marry someone you make an oath to stick together through thick and thin. Your partner has done anything wrong so you can't be contemplating punishing him for the behaviour of his ex. Also, you need to bear in mind you that your baby is his, too. Do you really want to sever that bond between them?

I am sorry you are facing this challenge. But you need to get through it together as a family. Time to rise above.

What solution does your DH offer? What does he think would be the best to do?

There are billions of people in the world he really isn’t worth this. You deserve a happy life.

Ok, take a second and read again what you posted. Do you see what you are doing? You are blaming the victim. Do you really want to be that kind of person?

There is nothing this man can't do to stop his deranged ex to do what she's doing.

OP, please ignore this advise and do listen to everything your step child may be hurting from and thank them for being open about it. If they decided to keep it for themselves the damage on them may be irreparable.

This is happening via a third party, so the focus has to be on the stepchild. It's parental alienation and domestic abuse. Seek counselling for the child and really come down hard on SS. They are overworked and overwhelmed and the thought process is something like; "hard to prove and there's one sane parent at least." You need document the abuse so you can get DSC out of that toxic place. I also think she will escalate during that phase - abusers usually do when they are losing control - so be prepared for it.

If you need to leave to preserve your mental health; leave. But do it with a plan in place to preserve your family in the long run.

Can you reframe this all. Make your reaction to her smaller, more dismissive, more pitying. Picture her as a scared angry two year old with no power and a lot of big (angry) feelings. Every time you feel a reaction to her, try to reframe it and make her smaller in your reaction.

If mail comes recycle it.

If she sends SD a ream of hateful nonsense, frame it with sympathy to your SD that her mum is the way she is, and remind her it's not a reflection of her or anyone else, it's just her mum lashing out at the world and isn't that sad. Let's focus on something else instead etc.

The maintenance issue, get a formal complaint in, ask your MP for help if possible. Get it chased up and resolved. Get legal advice even. This should be your hubby's task by the way. Not yours but he needs to relentlessly tackle it until it's resolved.

Leaving won't help although I can completely understand why it sounds appealing! But your baby would still be with their dad half the time so they'd still all be dealing with her nonsense and in turn you would be too.

Your poor SC , DP and you and DC…. This sounds horrendous so so evil the mother threatening to kill herself if her child lives with dad is disgusting. That poor child.

Honeslty get counselling for the child asap so they can start to unpick themselves from their mums life , start showing some light for your DC they can go to university move out and be free without the lifelong emotional abuse

your partner needs to be going to court to get full custody of no way should he be allowing his child to be looked after by his ex

i would also report the ex to the police for harassment and to social services because if the child

your dp needs to step up now

So this woman is sending her daughter reams of psycho messages threatening to kill herself if the child doesn’t do xyz (coercive control) and going off about the dad in all kinds of psycho ways (parental alienation if anything can be proved false) and all other sorts of stuff yet SS is allowing the child to remain with her and other younger (I assume?) children. Fabulous.

you said she does stuff on social media? How is this through a third party? Also, has she threatened you or your child? Even through sd - if they do x I’ll do y?

has she got a partner or an ex? Who is/are the fathers to her other kids? They might be worth contacting to try to get evidence she isn’t safe around her kids. If she is this batshit too what is their living accommodation like? If it is unsafe in anyway or she neglects or abused her kids in anyway I’d ask sc to take photo/video evidence. If her other kids are removed, your sc will be free to leave and live with you full time. And at that point I would run like the fucking wind and move as far away as possible.

it’s a bit sucky your husband chose to have another child when he knew how potentially dangerous this woman is. I’ve been in similar situation to him so I’m not even trying to be a dick it’s just that sadly you have to accept that there are things you can’t do when you have someone like this in your life. As he does have another child though, is he not concerned that you two are in a potentially risky situation? He should have sent you both away already and be visiting you during the times he isn’t at home with his kid. It’s awful that this is happening to any of you, but she’s something he’s stuck with but he can save you two somewhat.

oh also, I know you say your sc is wonderful but keep in the back of your mind that she could either purposefully or accidentally feed the ex info about you. So if you do move, don’t give her the address. It’s her kid after all, and a crazy mother can have a lot of control over a child.

These things will come out in a cafcass interview and inform the courts decision though.

You can get SC a phone that they use only at yours so they don’t have to deal with the negative communication while away. Slowly start increasing time at yours.

once siblings are older social services can help facilitate visits with siblings and seeing them at school etc.

get sc in counselling to help them navigate a eventually realise it’s ok for them to leave or limit time at mums home. Maybe 1 overnight a week.

Why is she so hung up on your DP if she has younger children?

Leaving wouldn’t be to punish him, it would be to protect herself. Marriage isn’t a cage she has to remain in no matter the cost to herself.

It isn’t his fault, no, but that doesn’t mean OP needs to sacrifice more of herself to suffer alongside him.

I'd ring social services on her as she bring your step child in to it and causing kids to have panic attack and Id ring police every time she made a death threat and citizens advice can help you with child maintance claims but if social got involved you can go through them to sort it. She is clearly a selfish phyco that safeguarding issue to her own child and bully to everyone else.

Keep your head up chick... just think things could be worse, like you could be a nasty peace of work like her... But you not ❤️❤️🥰🥰

What do you think social services could do about her behaviour?

She's already said the child is a teenager, it's not going to court

'Come down hard' on social services? What do you expect them to do? They can't remove the child from the home. They can't control how the mother behaves.

The child is a teenager. There is zero point in trying to stop him from going to his mum's. This isn't how parenting teenagers works.

She's said they are involved but can't do much, because they can't. The child is 14. Unless the father can persuade them to move into his home full time then social care can't do a thing.