Leaving DP because of his ex.

[Brokenn]

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

• making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
• constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
• making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
• constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
• putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

@Brokenn
I can imagine that, because of all her shenanigans, this behaviour is foremost in your mind and causing you untold mental distress so I empathise, especially as you have your own DC now and will be in "protect" mode.

Can you not try to grey rock her?

She threatens to turn up at your house, I assume she hasn't already so probably won't?

Get a ring doorbell or cameras.

Social media post, ignore them, who cares, most people will read them and roll their eyes.

Text messages to DC, don't look at them, let DH deal with them.

DC wants to discuss his "D"M you find something else to do, let DH listen to it.

She signs you up for something, ignore, bin or delete.

Make it clear to your DH that you are no longer going to allow her behaviour to affect your life, he deals with it, he is not to tell you anything unless you are directly at risk.

The authorities don't or can't help you (I'd check with a solicitor first to make sure you're not just being fobbed off)

You need to protect yourself mentally as this is taking such a toll on you.

It'll be very hard but it may give you your power back and remove her power.

Assuming you love your DH, splitting up seems an extreme reaction and who's to say that would end it, she's got you in her sights and leaving might give her another reason to harrass you.

She's clearly vicious with too much time on her hands.

Plus if you leave your own DC will be in that environment without you.

And the poor dc. Social services? The poor kid’s life will be ruined by her. She sounds unhinged.

Having read the initial post

If she has made death threats via social media then go back to the Police now and don't take no for an answer

Ditto over the UC claims made in your name

I would also take them up with the Fraud team at the DWP

You can also ask for an anti social behaviour case review which if nothing else would make the police look at it again

See a civil solicitor about a protection from harassment order and suing her for fraud or similar re the false claims

As othwrs have said, i dont think this would stop if you break up with your partner. It might even increase as she'll have "won".

On another note - I think if you can, your step child would benefit from some outside support, is there anything they could access through school, wellbeing support or counselling?

If they've grown up with their mum regularly threatening suicide if they do X,Y, or Z, it'll be massively screwing them up, but it might just be normal for them.

If you or your partner say its not right or normal, their mum could twist that into you trying to turn child against them etc. But a neutral person from the outside, might be able to help them see its not normal and not their responsibility. What their mum threatens to do and follow through with, or not, is not their responsibility.

Well yes actually, it is an option.
Given that they've asked the police and social services for help and it hasn't come.
Weighing up the continued risk of harm to the father, OP and the shared child to continued exposure to this situation. I don't think we should judge if they walked away.
Also, the mother might then decrease her abuse towards the girl as the fuel (father) has been removed

Play her at her own game. She's batshit and the more you try and stop her, the more she will go on. Be batshit yourself. Some batshit options would be:
-All move away with DC, cut all contact, don't give her the address, and don't allow contact until she's had to go through the courts. But better still, move to a different country.
-Set her up to do something more illegal than she already is, then film / catch her, call the police and get her sent to prison
-some unfortunate unwitnessed accident happens to her
Honestly though, if the police and social services aren't helping and doing things the "correct way" is getting you nowhere, I'd probably just take my DC and leave, and just never contact them again. Your DC having contact with their dad makes them vulnerable to also be abused by her and I wouldn't let any child of mine be exposed to that, regardless of who's fault it is. Let DH get a court order for contact that you can contest due to the abuse from his ex putting your child at risk.
I know my post is ridiculous but I honestly just think these days nobody gets anywhere from doing the right thing and I'd just do whatever the fuck it takes to protect my child.

Making a false claim for benefits is a crime. What happened when you reported this? I’d be getting a restraining order on her. I’ve not read through the thread.

Contact the step child's school and speak to them. The detrimental effect this is having on them in monumental. This woman can't be allowed to continue. Can't you block, send back letters, refuse mention of her in your house and just generally freeze her out. Over a long period of time this should have some effect.

I also think the fact DH lets DSC go their mum's just shows services that he thinks it's safe. If he felt she was that abusive then he wouldn't be allowing contact no matter what. I get at 14 they have a choice to some extent, but just take steps to force it to stop. If their DM then wants contact the courts will actually have to listen, and then isn't he likely to get full custody when they see all the evidence you have of her emotional abuse to her child?

You make a good point but it seems she may have preempted that by getting the child to show OP the texts and social media. They could ask him to stop doing that but that would be telling him to disobey his mother and silently carrying the burden alone of knowing what she is saying.

OP Rather than leaving, perhaps your DH could shield you from all this by telling his son that going forward whatever his mother says is to be kept private between him and his son. As he knows what his mother is like to the extent he feels some responsibility to her other children he may fully understand why it needs to be like that.

Had all of this happened when you contacted the police? False UC/child benefit claims aren't via SC! I think I'd make online reports for everything anyway, eventually that bigger picture might be enough for something to happen.

I'd call them for welfare checks for every suicide threat too.

Is there any way you could persuade your SC to go to the police and show them the messages sent wrt the threat of suicide? Frame it has getting their mother the "help" she needs so that they won't feel guilty about reporting her. That way the complaint comes from the person being sent the threatening and abusive messages so the "3rd party" reasoning is no longer valid as it's the "1st party" making the report. It may also be the trigger to finally get SS to act to keep her other children safe as she maybe doing it to them and their dad as well.

Oh sweetie, I totally understand how you feel.

my husband’s ex accused him of rape the day before our wedding, I can only assume it was in the hope that he’d be arrested before we got married. Fortunately they didn’t arrest him for a week so we were able to have a lovely week of married life. Then it went to shit.

He has been arrested for rape, CSA, torture, kidnap, general DV and CA…. Erm… probably more, around 7 times in total.

Myself and my (then) 10&11yo kids were also accused of doing CA but thankfully not arrested. She made up the most disgusting things but thankfully the police realised that she was bat shit and it never went further. They obviously had to arrest him and investigate (as they should) but it still angers me that she received no punishment for lying, even when we had 100% proof that it didn’t happen.

She even told Step son ALL about it and we only going out because he was really surprised that my husband got a job with the NHS “with your criminal record”, and he was really perplexed when we showed him the EDBS with zero on it.

Unfortunately step son was a chip off his mothers block and would just lie about everything, he even agreed to the police that we were all beating him with belts and shoes, but he was very young and the PS4 he received from his mother was hell of an incentive so we just ignored it.

thankfully at 15 step son decided to stop coming and I’ll be honest, our lives have been lovely, no more worry that the police are going to knock, no more social services involvement, the stress has gone (except a random call to DWP. She obviously got bored one evening). Even my husband (who fought hammer and tongue in court for 13 years to see his son) has admitted that he’s relieved, it’s like the clouds have lifted.

i do feel for step son because now he’s stuck with a psychopath who doesn’t leave the house, but he’s 17 and it’s his choice. We can’t force him and neither could court.

i wish you all the best, whatever you decide, but it won’t stop just because you leave, so if you stay in a relationship then it will just be the same old.

Sounds like she's done enough to DP to get a non molestation order, why are the police saying its not. Ask them to put in writing why not when you just show everything that she's done to you DP - use written evidence not your DSDs word.

Also talk to your DSD tell her to put everything her mum sats/does in a box - be that box in her head or in her phone - then lock it and onky open to add to it not to look at it all. In this way she maybe can learn that it doesn't affect her everyday life. Keep her with you as much as possible. Ask her not to show you what DPs ex has said cos it doesn't matter to you. Try to block that incoming stream of sh1t. Seek some counselling for her so she talk to someone about it all.

Call 111 ask for assistance with your DPs ex. She sounds unhinged. Put pressure on the health services to section her - if she's threatening suicide or to harm others its a real reason for sectioning someone. Social services can support this - frankly I don't know why she still has her kids with her! She is damaging them so deeply.

Ref you, please talk to your GP see if there is help with mental health they can provide.

How's your DP through this? How's hus mental health?

Please dont run away, you maybe need a little respite, but dont be forced out of your home by it. That sadly is what she wants xxx

Just as not suggested so far -

You can write to ex's GP setting out concerns for ex's mental health (and DSD). They get lot's of these letters of concern and might be able to get mental health services involved with ex.

I’m sorry you are going through this! I would say your parter needs to record and report all this to social services and INSIST they do something as it’s emotional abuse to the child. Your partner needs to do this as it’s HIS job. Leaving it to you is causing too much stress and pressure when you’ve had a baby and need to enjoy your baby. You’ve tried the approach of trying to stop her and she can probably see (because she’s doing something every week) that it’s really getting to you and probably wants to break your happy family up. So literally do the opposite! At least pretend to her that it’s not getting to you. Treat her like a petulant child to her face and dismiss her. To her face show how unbothered you are and this will enrage her. Only then you can record everything. Get any evidence you can and take it to the police. Keep building a case secretly and when there’s enough evidence, get a harassment order. Clearly trying to contain her hasn’t worked so let her explode and go crazy and do her worst. Maybe speak to her in a public place and calmly explain that she is destroying her own child’s life but it’s not affecting you at all. She’s destroying herself for an ex. She needs to move on. When she explodes film everything. Why should you leave your husband and for your child to be without their own father because of her. Find your own anger and make a plan. Don’t let her destroy yours because she’s a brat and willing to destroy her own child over her crazy jealousy. Your choices aren’t only to either put up with this or trying to put out the fires. You can also put boundaries in a place. Your third option is to stop this completely by getting all the evidence you need by being brave! Don’t be scared of her. I say this as a complete people pleaser that I’ve been all my life but at some point you have to put yourself first otherwise your own mental health will suffer and to be blunt why should their lives matter more than yours? Surely you deserve to be happy to!

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I haven't voted OP and I am sorry for what this is all costing you (in every way).
It would have such a negative impact on you all if you were to separate.
I don't have any solutions. I hope you are getting emotional support from somewhere

There isn't going to be a court case for this 14 year old. Family courts won't force teenagers to live with parents they don't want to live with.

What do you think they should insist social services do? Seriously, what do you think they should be doing?

Except she IS harassing you without going through your step child - the benefit claims made in your name etc.
I'd try the police again. Consult a solicitor about what the law actually says regarding harassment through third parties. The police staff you spoke to may not have full grasp of the law.
Possibly also they don't fully understand the impact this is having on you, and the potential danger from this woman, and just fobbed you off because they don't want to deal with it.
This is obviously impacting your life hugely. I can't believe there isn't a law against some, if not all, of her actions.

Btw, threats of suicide would be seen as coercive control in a romantic relationship, which there are now laws against. Investigate whether this would (it should!) apply when used against children.

What do social services have to say about ability for your DSC to maintain contact with siblings if she tries to stop it? See a solicitor about that, too. A court may be able to mandate that contact happens. At least that gives a bit more control to your DSC in making decisions that aren't based on fear.

Can you get counseling for DSC, too, so they can learn about healthy relationships, and have some tools for dealing with the mother/coercive control? The added benefit would be that if the counselor has concerns about physical or mental harm, they will be bound by law to report it, which will add weight to your case.

I know I am probably going to get flayed for my response but its just my opinion but I wouldn't/couldn't leave my DH over something like this, which is not of his making, or his fault.

We are a team and we deal with everything as such. His problems are mine, and vice versa and we will deal with and sort things together. As a unit.

For better for worse and all that.

I would be gutted if I were having family problems and he decided he couldn't cope with it and left me. They are the person who is supposed to have your back not jump ship the minute things get tough.

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you be understanding if he decided to leave and leave you to it to just cope alone and deal with it by yourself?

This is an awful situation for both of you, it really is, and I am sorry that you are all having to put up with this. Its truly shit. But I don't think leaving him to cope with this on his own is the answer to your problems. If anything it could cause more of them and have him questioning your relationship and your marriage.

She is the stepmother and is specifically given this power by Part 62, s 3(d) of the Family Law Act. Op can take action herself if she wished.

The child is being alienated and it would be entirely appropriate to take action against the mother in the form of an order that the mother be restrained from doing so to the child. That action should be taken by the child's father who doesn't seem to realise the extent of the problem.

PPs have made some really good suggestions imo.

1 - Contact the FRAUD teams for UC and child maintenance. They'll investigate her and she'll get into a whole heap of trouble, plus you gave further evidence for her batshittery.

2 - Consult with an actual SOLICITOR
I do feel you are being fobbed off by the police. They should be doing more.

3 - Raise concerns to SS about the care of the younger siblings. I can't believe they are aware how unstable this woman is and haven't got involved.

4 - Can't SC see her siblings through their (siblings') dad? Amazing he hasn't gone for full custody to get them out.

5 - Get THERAPY for SC. If you can't afford it check for local charities supporting teens and young adults, they often include counseling services. Check with the school too.

I think the idea of telling the doc not to pass on hurtful comments about OP and her partner is a good one. Abusive comments to the DSC should be passed on them though, and reported to Social services. I would also inform the school's wellbeing/ safeguarding worker about it too. They may have more clout reporting to social services.