For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Have you had a good heart-to-heart discussion with him about how your joint finances as a couple will work after you are married?

There are three main options:

First: Everything pooled. All income from any source you goes into a joint current account (and a joint savings account). i.e. your salaries are paid straight into the joint account. You then decide together how to spend.
This only works if you have broadly similar tastes and values, so you are naturally in agreement about what standard of living you have as a couple. It won't work if one person is a saver and the other a natural spender.
It also means neither person has any financial independence, so it is terrible in cases of domestic abuse.

Second: Proportional split. You both pay into a joint account according to your income, and have separate accounts for 'personal' money.
This sounds fair in theory, but in practice if one partner earns a lot more, they get a lot more personal money. So a person on £100k paying 80% into the joint gets £20k for themselves, but their partner on £30k paying 80% gets £6k for themselves. This can be a recipe for resentment, unless the higher earner is generous by nature and happy to pay for shared holidays, treats for both people, etc. out of their personal money.

Third: Equal personal spends. Everything is paid into a joint account, like in option one, but then each person gets the same amount transferred to their personal account, e.g. £500 per month or whatever you budget, for 'pocket money'. This means you both have the same to spend on luxuries and treats without feeling guilty that it is coming out of joint funds.
If you both earn a lot, there is the option to have a higher amount transferred for 'personal' money, and you each keep your own savings, or you keep the personal money low and have joint savings.

Joint costs are all household costs, and all costs to do with children. Phones, cars and pets can be negotiated as joint or personal. Treats like meals out can be joint if you both agree and can afford it.
Mortgages are joint, even if one person earns a lot less, because after a long marriage the house is a joint marital asset in the event of divorce, no matter who paid what. Although if one person put in a much higher deposit that can be ring-fenced legally.

What is NOT an option is continuing with 50/50 on all costs. It doesn't work over the long term as incomes fluctuate, and is most definitely not fair on a woman who has to fund maternity leave and years off work or in part-time roles to cover childcare.
What if one of you became disabled and couldn't work again? How could they pay their 50%. What if one of you got made redundant?
50/50 is for flatmates, not life-partners.

You need to have this conversation with him before continuing with any more wedding plans.

Agree! Such an icky stingy mindset

I am in a very similar situation and it looks like you’ve had a conversation thats helped but wanted to share how we do it. (Also engaged and living in London)

Mine and my partners base salary is the same but his is massively topped up with commission.

We do a % basis based on earnings and the joint outgoings.

made some assumptions here just based on what you’ve said but

your salary is 31% of your total shared income , his is 69%, so youd pay £941 each month and he’d pay £2,059 (you can adjust these percentages obviously and we often do but it is really the only fair way IMO. It’d be different if you werent getting married but you need to agree savings goals etc between you and then the rest of the money is essentially your ‘fun money’. On 92k, he’s on what, 5k take home? If 3k isnt enough to save and have some nice purchases then yeh a lifestyle chat is needed.

if you’re finding the foodshop is a sticking point then you need to increase the amount allocated to that in your bills and then your amounts will adjust around it

If you were married, I would have a different answer, but as partners, I can fully see why he wouldn't subsidise you. You do still have options though. You could pay less on the mortgage and lower the percentage you own. You can so no to going out for dinners and holidays etc unless he pays. Then it is his choice if they happen or not.

Please don't use up all of your savings, or opt out of a pension. Future you shouldn't be having a bleak retirement to have a holiday you don't even want now.

How do people still not see it?! She’s not insisting that he subsides her living a luxurious lifestyle she can’t afford, he is insisting that she subsides him living a luxurious lifestyle she can’t afford. She’s in the position of considering stopping paying into her pension to try to keep up with the money he’s demanding and still you claim she’s the one being unfair financially?!

OP this man wants to spend money more than he wants you. He is not committed to you, he is committed to the lifestyle he wants and he views you as part of that so long as you keep up with your financial contributions.

I don’t know what sort of wedding you were planning on. Personally I had a non religious ceremony but I do very much believe in the church vows, “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to the exclusion of all others, till death do us part” (I may not be entirely accurate on the wording). I didn’t actually say it, but I absolutely meant it when I married, and I still mean it having been married for 22 years and having faced many ups and downs together. This man has made it clear that he does not believe the richer or poorer, or the sickness or health parts of these ideals at all. He would rather see you have a breakdown or go bankrupt than compromise his standard of living for a couple of years while you climb your new chosen ladder. He is not marriage material.

If you're not making joint decisions on things that affect both of you then this relationship is not going to work.

Joint decisions have to be properly that - both in genuine agreement. Agreeing through gritted teeth and then punishing someone afterwards is just as bad as unilateral action.

I'd split now. You clearly have different priorities in life both now and in the long term, but you also have completely different values which isn't going to change.

• But when op earned more she was happy for the bill split to be 50/50, now he.earns more, 50/50 isn't fair? I was earning more than him at one point and we continued to split the bills 50/50. Honestly, it wasn't a conscious decision and if he'd wanted me to pay more I happily would've done so. It's more that we were earning the same when we first took out the mortgage so it made sense to split it 50/50 and we never really revised it from there. It's only come up now because I'm struggling to afford it for the first time.

and It's clearly been revised as it isn't 50/50 as he's already paying more?

@AnyPomegranate he didn’t sign up for a particular lifestyle he should be signing up for you. Marriage which you are planning on doing is about committing to a person through the ups and the downs. Because in life there will be high points and there will be low points.

I married my DH because he was the person I wanted to navigate my way through life even the difficult bits that mean you have to take stock

the fact he wants you to be part of a lifestyle
for me you run you run as fast as you can away from him

My issue with what is going on here is that you are planning a whole life together. You plan to marry, have a family maybe and stick together through all the things that’s life can throw at you.
Illness, accidents, redundancy. Mortgage rises, stock market crashes, flooding and fires.
Disabilities - yours, your children’s?? Caring long term for children or parents or even for each other.
If he’s not prepared to make changes and compromise at this stage and with a relatively small change then I would be worried at how it will go as things get tougher.
Is he going to support you? Or are you going to be the woman stuck on maternity leave still paying 50% on a maternity pay and scrabbling around to figure how your going to be able to afford to pay childcare when you have to go back to work.

Whilst I was at uni and did my TC, my DP (now DH) paid more towards the bills. DH is now retraining in something he actually enjoys and my salary is significantly more than his so I pay more towards the bills/ holidays etc. Isn’t that what being in a committed relationship/ marriage is supposed to be like. You navigate life together.

One day, you might need his financial support whilst you get through maternity leave/ sick leave do you trust he will support you?

Separate food shops.
Do NOT borrow from your mother to marry a mean man....are you mad!

Think long and hard about your future.
How would Maternity Leave work?
I certainly wouldn't risk it with him.

Say No to anything and everything you can't afford and only pay for your food.

Do not drag your mother into this mess.
He's mean.
Absolutely dreadful that you would borrow from your mother to marry.

Wake up to your reality.
Mean men are the worst.
You two are not a team.

'but just be firmer on turning down meals and holidays'

and how will that work out for your relationship and your social life ?

will you just sit at home, or go out for a run or something that's free whilst he goes to a restaurant - by himself or with friends.

same with holidays, will you be staying at home reading books etc. and he goes on holiday by himself or with friends

or would he be expected / obliged not to go out for these meals and go on holiday/s ?

Why are you getting married? If you can't have a better financial partnership then you will have problems.

I didn't say she earned 90k, I said keeping up with someone earning 90k, the OP said herself she earned 'extremely well', and I've read she was on 75K, she left that to earn 35k, regardless of the reasons why, she decided to take a 50% pay cut.

The partner here can afford to live such a lifestyle, surely it's up to him if he pays extra to afford the OP to continue with such a lifestyle - ask yourself, why should he not enjoy the fruits of his labour? He's not living above his means; he's not suddenly started spending above his income.

Logically speaking, a proportional % of income doesn't work (in this situation) if it's being thrust upon one party, especially when they have been on an even keel along the way. A 50/50% split was agreed upon at the start of the relationship, and then one side has made a conscious decision to halve their salary. Yes, this has resulted in the OP's % of earnings to costs ratio increasing, but this was of no fault of the other party, it doesn't sound like at the time it was even asked if he would support this.

Household expenses are £1500 each, based on a 35k salary the OP is picking up £2400 per month -(minus any pension contributions etc) she's £900 in the black, but having a shortfall of £200 PCM - the OP is spending above her means.

• Either the partner needs to say okay, I don't mind paying extra, or the OP needs to start spending less unless she wants to burn through all her savings.

Again, they are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. I'd have a very different view if they were married, and that would change, throwing children into the mix.

I retrained and took a much lower paying (initially) job with good prospects, for the sake of my physical and mental health. DH and I completely pool finances. all our salary goes into one account, money goes out each month into savings, mortgage, bills, nursery gets covered, and anything else is generally used on going out, holidays etc. There’s no this is my half this is yours.

There’s no comment on who is contributing more financially - like you, my DH earns 3x what I do. There’s no belittling me because of my career choice or taking a pay cut, because he doesn’t want me to be sick, stressed, or working until 2am. Your DP absolutely knew how your last job was impacting you because it’s not normal to work until 2am. He knows that, it just doesn’t suit him to acknowledge it. He would rather you do that so you bring him more money. He is ignoring the impact on you because he’s balanced your wellbeing against having more money. That should tell you something about him.

Conversely I was married previously and our finances were managed like yours are. My ex sold me his PC - actually the family PC but he paid for it so when he got a new one he made me buy the old one off him. Can’t believe I thought that was ok at the time because I definitely don’t now. I found a notebook where he had written down money I owed him - down to 20p change. When my Grandad gave me a cheque for (legitimate, tax declared) work I had done though, as far as ex was concerned it was joint money.

All this was over 12 years of not being married. Marriage lasted 6 months. Mostly because of financial incompatibility.

Don’t marry this man. Seriously. You aren’t a team. Any time you need him to step up financially - Mat leave, sickness, unemployment, he won’t have your back. Right now he’s happy for you to go £200 into the red every month and this is when life is relatively easy.

I am a bit shocked by how many responses are blaming the OP. She did discuss it and although he was not over the moon about it, neither did he make it a red line. I am also a bit shocked by sympathetic responses to the fiancé. He was not concerned about her physical or mental health or her happiness. Now he seems to be deliberately forcing her to subsidise his 5 star luxury lifestyle knowing that she is struggling financially. He is the one refusing concessions. He sounds selfish, nasty and resentful. And for all those posting how would she feel if he wanted to reduce his income, I am willing to bet that she would support him. It is also worth considering that the fiancé is mortal.
He might be the one who becomes ill and cannot work, he might (God forbid) suffer a traumatic illness that precludes him from keeping his job; stroke, heart attack, aneurysm.
I do, however, completely agree with the majority opinion expressed here; do not marry this selfish, solipsistic man. PLEASE. Leave him, and obviously do not have children with him. When you are trapped he will get worse. Good luck.

This x 100

Continue paying your half of bills.

Work out what you need for hair clothes etc. This is where you can be more frugal, but it needs to be a realistic figure.

Work out the rest of your income and allocate an amount for holidays. Do the same for spending money per month. Also work out a fair amount for food shopping each month that includes some nice stuff but not too extravagant.

Share those figures with dh and say “this is what I can afford”. It’s enough for basic stuff and if you don’t want to move out of London, that’s all I can pay. Anything else you want to do above those figures, you’ll have to do on your own or you’ll have to pay extra for my share too if you want me to do it with you.

Then stick to that budget. I’d transfer the shopping money to him and get him to pay for the shopping. I might do the same for holidays and socialising too. Then it’s up to him.

Don’t spend your savings. You might need those if you split up and certainly don’t stop your pension. You need that more than ever now, as you won’t be able to rely on a state one at your age.

It gives the control and choice to him, but you won’t be spending more than you can afford. It’s all being very transparent.

Get a second job.

You made a decision to reduce your income. It’s not up to your fiancé to subsidise your life.

Totally agree.

YABU. You had an equal financial responsibility and unilaterally changed that, and now expect him to pick up the shortfall. I understand wanting to leave your previous job, but not leaving without working out how you were going to pay your way. On the flip side, you should be able to say no to expensive social activities if these are now beyond your budget.

I really don’t think you should go ahead with this wedding @AnyPomegranate
as it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible with this man.

Great post.
Excellent idea to transfer your budget shopping money to him and he pays at the checkout. Much better than two trollies or two trips.

But that is just a short term solution. You still need to have the big conversation that I posted about above, to settle on your financial arrangements for marriage.

Because you CANNOT continue with 50/50 long term when you are supposed to be life-partners. For all the reasons people here have said.

I think you need to stop wedding planning as you've got a huge issue here in terms of attitudes to finance and working together as a partnership. What's going to happen with finances once you marry? Have you worked that out?
This situation would be making me think about whether this person is the right one for me.

Gross. I wouldn’t marry a man who would happily and peacefully watch me struggle to pay bills. I think by default men should pay the bills anyway, but I guess I’m just old fashioned like that ☺️