For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Did you not consider this when you took massive pay cut?

Please could you say which industry you’ve gone into? I’m desperate to retrain and change careers and prospects of £90k with 9-5 sounds like a dream!

You’ll just have to make a budget for yourself and live within it which means agreeing a basic food shop budget which you split and then each of you buying your own ‘luxury’ items.

You’ll have to start saying no to meals out and holidays that are outside your budget.

And you can say no to the weddings - send a gift and say you can’t make it.

Your DP will either join you in your budget - be happy with a take away vs a meal out etc, or you’ll have to some things like holidays separately for now.

It's always worth remembering in these situations that neither could have got the mortgage without the other regardless of if one thinks they can afford the repayments alone. We don't actually know that he could afford the mortgage and the lifestyle he wants all on his own and I very much doubt he could live as comfortably if he didn't have OP paying 50%. He's not subsidising her at all at the moment btw (I mean, literally how? She's paying 50%) and if they split it more fairly he wouldn't be subsidising HER he would be paying a fairer share of THEIR costs

When you say you discussed it and he was not supportive did you actually lol at the figures and do any calculations and discuss that? Did he agree and he's gone back on it or did he not agree and you've done it anyway?

If your job change was agreed with him then he's being unreasonable. If not you're going to have to suck it up. If you can pay your share of the bills then can he pay for the fun stuff?

I think this is a sign of the future of your relationship however. I'd be having second thoughts.

But it isn't a fairer share if he didn't agree to it. It's only a fairer share if that's what you started with or he agreed to her changing careers.

My partner and I have separate food shops as he is a smoker and meat eater and occasional drinker I am not. He gives me an extra £600 a month towards the food bill which I do on line.

Explain logically how a proportionate share isnt fair on the higher earner if it means they both pay proportionately to their wage but paying 50/50 when the lower earner pays in a higher proportion of their wage is fair. Like really how is that fair? And why does he get to agree or not to her career change but she doesn't get to agree or not on their mutual funds being used on expensive crap?

It sound like a certain lifestyle and feeling ‘well off’ is more important to him than being a team and working as such.

If he feels not well off enough now, what happens if you go on to have kids? Who will be funding that? What about maternity leave, are things going to be split 50/50 then as well? I think it’s the right time to ask
those questions now OP so you know what lies ahead.

I am on your side. With 90k salary his take home is around £5k and after his 50/50 he’s left with close to £3.5k. You on the other hand have about £700 or thereabouts. He also seems to have no awareness or simply ignores the fact you cannot afford dining out etc to the same level as he can. Does he expect you to split 50/50 when you go out? Does he sult if you refuse to go out?

This doesn’t seem like a great relationship to me tbh. And i would grow to resent dining out etc with him, hows this supposed to be fun when you know you’re digging yourself a financial hole by trying to placate and keep up with his desired lifestyle.

You don't sound very compatible. Views on where you want to live, lifestyle and earnings are too different, and neither of you has been up for compromising.

I don't think it's necessarily unsalvageable, especially once you earn more, but I don't know that I'd get married in this situation. I do know I wouldn't be having kids.

This!!!

My advice would be to call off the wedding for now.
If you have paid non-refundable deposits, write them off as a loss. Suck it up.

But you can't go ahead and get married to him when:

A) he doesn't have your back when it comes to your mental health, he didn't want you to leave your job and didn't care if it was making you ill

B) you can't agree on money issues, and you are using up your savings while he refuses to compromise, forcing you to pay for things you can't afford.

C) he is happy for you to borrow from your mum for HIS wedding. Yes, it is his wedding as well as yours. Where is his pride? Where is his responsibility? How can he think it is fine for his future MIL to pay for him when he earns £90k?
Does he even want to get married?
Have you discussed what type and scale of wedding he would want?
How much would be be prepared to pay?

See how he reacts to the wedding being cancelled. Is he bothered?

Then carry on living together, but refuse to pay for things you can't afford.
He suggest a meal out? You tell him you'd love to, but he has to pay.
Same for holidays - he pays for you or you don't go. Suggest going 50/50 on a week's camping in Wales instead.
Tell him there has to be two trollies when you go shopping, or two separate shopping trips - one for the basic essentials and routine food, and one for the fancy stuff. And he pays for the second trolley / shop.

This may sound petty, but he has to get used to the idea that he can't continue making you pay 50/50 for everything. What does he think should happen when you go on maternity leave? Does he expect you to return to work full time asap when the baby is tiny?

He will either change his attitude, or you will have to split up.

You are married with kids, doesn't mention how long they have been together so not sure it's a red flag at that stage, however they should have agreed how they were going to split before she changed her job?

If you pay for different things and then pay whatever is left into joint account, why don't you have a joint account to start with like normal people?

What are you going to do when you have a baby, OP? When you're on maternity leave and broke and he's arguing about how much he should contribute towards nappies? Because that's the road you are on.

The problem you've got is that you aren't a team. He's persuaded you that because he pays a measly £70 more than you towards upkeep that he's being hard done to. He's not. I would very seriously be taking a long hard look at the relationship and asking yourself some difficult questions.

If you were a team, he would have accepted that supporting you with this change of path meant making some changes to his own expectations and path in return. It doesn't seem like he has.

Don't marry a man who lives in the same house but lives a completely separate life to you. Recipe for disaster.

It does not sound like a partnership really

what happens in future, say if you got ill health and could not work at all, would he support you then?

I had to give up work at 44, my DH pays all the bills no problem, in sickness and in health and all that

When they took out the mortgage they were earning similar. So it was 50 50. If she was earning 35k when they took it out and they agreed a budget for a property then absolutely they should pay proportionally. But this is not what happened here. Nowhere does it say he agreed to pay more when she unilaterally took a huge pay cut. She's not staying at home with the kids or anything, she's taken a cut in salary without his agreement

Just read your update. He needs to be paying more. It's sad how he's being right now. I'd do separate food shops as it isn't fair you're paying half of his preferred groceries. Also I'd decline eating out and some events. You cannot keep up with his lifestyle while on your salary, that's how thousands of people get into debt. You're being very sensible to review your finances, instead of burying your head in the sand. A side note, do you have savings/pension that's suffering as a result? Make sure housework is 50/50 too.

Thank you for the comment. I do have savings but I'm basically hemorrhaging through them right now which is why I brought the issue up to him this morning. I looked into temporarily opting out of my pension yesterday, but the amount of money I would save post-tax isn't enough to cover the shortfall, so it doesn't seem worth it given how financially dangerous opting out of your pension can be

They were both earning 50k. They are already paying proportionally though!!! Higher earners think that calling it 50/50 means they're not but they ARE paying a different proportion of their earnings, just with them paying proportionately LESS and somehow that's fair logically how?

My penny pinching days are over, I earn £90k and if I want to chuck something I want in the trolley then I should be able to

This attitude sums up the problem. He can see how having a 90k salary means he can spend more when its money he wants to spend. The absolute cheek of saying something like this when you're splitting bills 50/50 with someone on 35k and wanting them to pick up 50% of what you're chucking in the trolley.

If he wanted to keep it 50/50 he could at least let that cover basics and pay for his little treats out of the remainder of his salary. Instead he's blowing her salary without her agreement, but is it only his say/permission that counts?

YANBU. Sounds like you are willing to live within your means but he wants an expensive lifestyle you can't afford right now on a 50/50 split. I'd tell him you can't afford it so the options are bills are proportionate to income or you move out of London and make other cut backs.

OP, don't tie yourself for life to a man who insists on living a lifestyle that destroys you. Even if he's right that he has no obligation to his wife to be and, presumably, his wife, the fact remains that doing this will fuck you over. If you have kids it'll be even worse. Men like this think everything financially detrimental is "your choice" so you'll be responsible for paying for nursery, holiday clubs and all the rest of it.

This is simply not how people who love each other and see themselves as a team act. He is out for himself, so let him take care of himself and find someone who truly wants to share theur life with you.

We believe in joint expenses, split by proportional income. So as I am the higher earner I am paying more and that makes a lot of sense as otherwise he wouldn't be able to keep up. That includes both of us adding to savings, not dipping into them.

If he changed roles tomorrow to something really highly paid and I took on a role paying 30k I would fully expect the same approach. Otherwise what's the point of the vows? Where's the partnership?

The only thing is before marriage & kids we did split our mortgage 50/50 aligned with the ownership split. But that's all moot post kids.

Please please please OP I beg you, do NOT opt out of your pension and future security to financially appease this man and stop dipping into your savings to cover expenses while presumably he is accruing savings with all the money he has left over every month.