To think ‘LTB’ is said too often on MN ?

[AugustHoliday]

Inspired by a couple of recent threads. I’ve seen LTB instructed for trivial matters including ‘DH’s’ shitting in en-suite’s and a new boyfriend turning up hungover for Sunday lunch at the future in-laws.

Is it just me, or is this advice handed out too lightly?

I can’t believe people seriously mean it when they advise it so lightly for the most trivial reasons… throwing away a marriage without even attempting to solve problems or work through them, especially when children are involved, often causes more problems than it solves.

No hun

Time to ltb, hes clouding your thinking xxx

I think it’s easier to type something than say it to someone’s face. Not sure it’s malicious, just careless.

That said, I am shocked by what some people are prepared to put up with.

The shitting in the en suite, fair enough. There was far more to the Sunday lunch one though. He wasn’t only hungover, he had more to drink and started chatting shit, told the OP’s parents his friends like to end a night out with a prostitute, and when OP brought it up later, he pushed the blame entirely onto her. It’s dismal you think anyone should put up with that.

Me too, there are women here who seriously think it’s no big deal if their partner comes home steaming drunk and pisses in the wardrobe.

Yawn. Nope.

The reason LTB is so powerful is that for millennia it has been prohibitively difficult for women to LTB. The default, pushed on us as women by society, is to tolerate, to let go, to come around and make peace with shit behaviour for the sake of the family, for society etc. For many hundreds of years most women haven't been able to LTB due to money or morality or both. The fact that more women are able to LTB is something hard won and something we should celebrate.

There's roughly a thread a week from someone saying "LTB is thrown around too much." I've never once seen anyone say LTB in seriousness for minor infractions like shitting in the en suite. I see a lot of posts from people justifying awful behaviour from abusive or neglectful men with stuff like "could he have ADHD/depression". If anything it takes people far too long to say LTB.

So no, I'll keep LTB thanks.

I didn't see this thread but that's a clear LTB from me. Why in God's name would anyone think they should have to put up with this?

YANBU I find it really bizarre when people say it so freely online and real life. Obviously if it’s something like DV that’s different.

I am more shocked by what women are expected to put up with from men. I practically never see a ltb that’s not entirely justified.

I don't think it's said often enough, on here or in real life, to be honest.

The utter shite that people on here put up with in relationships is insane.

LTB is absolutely said a lot on here. But that is because a lot of men are not worth a woman trying to improve. They will cost her more than the happiness of being on her own.

I think there's a lot of women who post on here who do really need to LTB.

The amount of shit some people put up with is unreal.

There are a lot of posters who really hate men whereas I think the majority of men are decent but those who are shit are really really shit & leaving the bastard is really the best option.

For better and worse meant something to us.

By the time women post about their shitty and/or abusive partners on Mumsnet, the ship of ‘having a serious chat and working on the relationship’ has often sailed quite some time ago.

Count me among those who found reading these boards totally eye-opening. I’m still, on an almost daily basis, astonished at how some women seem to walk blindly into really, truly awful relationships, get stuck and put up with all kinds of abuse until, one day, they reach the end of their rope.

The level of poor behaviour and actual abuse many people on MN put up with is quite shocking and a lot of people react to that. Unfortunately, having spent many years working with separated parents in high conflict I know how difficult it can be in real life to actually LTB so I rarely suggest it, but often wish people could.

In the Sunday lunch thread, they were only dating and had only been together 6 months. The LTB comments were on the basis that dating is an audition and this was a massive red flag. The comments may have been different if they were actually married.

However, I do not think it is thrown around more than it should be. If men were more willing to address their flaws then there would be something to work on. But sadly this is seldom the case.

This is what I came here to say. I often see on threads someone saying ‘This is my first ever ltb’ and I’m thinking it in almost every single thread in relationships.

I do understand that it’s not always straightforward in real life.

Yep, not said anywhere near enough

No

2 women a week are murdered by partners/exes.

it’d be more if it wasn’t for Mumsnet & LTB

I've seen it used tongue in cheek and once entirely inappropriately but all the other times the posters have been on the money. Including the lunch one.

Just because it isn't easy or straightforward to do doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. It's not for every poster to then follow it up with practical advice on how to achieve that end.

What is more remarkable is the number of women who start threads and have put up with utter misery for years and years.

One of the best things about MN advice is how clever posters are able to see beyond the often superficial infractions posted about, uncovering layers of little behaviours that make so many of the relationships utterly toxic.

So many of the men posted about here are worth no more than paying the mortgage and the bills, and should in fact be left. Whether the OP leaves or not os up to them, and it's understandable that many will stay for the lifestyle or because they cannot sustain themselves and the children; or to 'safeguard' their children.

Like anything else, it's up to the adults posting to use the advice as it suits them best; but I've never seen a chorus of LTB for a decent man.

LTB isn't often said simply about the seemingly one off incident that inspired the post on here.

The majority of time the almost innocuous incident that's become the proverbial straw is just one in a long line of disrespectful or rude incidents.

My ex tells people I left him because he put the ketchup in the fridge. Superficially I did, and was advised to on a forum much like this one.

However, that's because everyone could see (many before me) that going home with my payday chips treat to find that the fourth bottle of ketchup was now in the fridge, instead of in the cupboard where I liked it to be. In and of its own hardly a big deal, but it was symbolic of the lack of consideration, respect and basic manners that he had in my home.

LTB isn't said often enough imo. Mostly because it's known that it's not easy to do, especially in the current financial climate where two incomes are needed for basic living in many places.

Until more people do LTB for shirty behaviour, and until it's feasible for everyone who wishes to LTB to do so there's fuck all inspiration for the B's to stop being so!

Ketchup belongs in the fridge ;)

There should be more ltb's! The amount of sub standard men who are posted about on here is insane. No redeeming qualities, bringing nothing to the relationship. They have not evolved at all, the bar is just above the floor now gents, not resting on it. Keep up.

My favourite are the threads where op details her atrocious other half then says 'please no ltb'. Then gets many ltb's anyway.