Husband on the war path and alienating my friends

[Awallflow]

Sorry it’s a long one.

1. My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends. My friend’s daughter is outgoing, has a large circle of friends and is confident, mine less so, but they are friends inside and outside of school.
2. A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily.
3. Yesterday, whilst on their iPads, my friend’s daughter swore as my daughter, calling her the ‘F’ word. She told my husband who took a screenshot, sent it to her mother and phoned telling her it’s not acceptable for her daughter to be swearing, and a few other choice words. My friend phoned me and was very apologetic.

1. We have a young child who lives a few doors down and our kids play with his regularly. However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house. He has a lovely house, with more space than we have, yet his parents always send him back to ours. DH doesn’t like this arrangement because it disturbs him when he is WFH, and because it’s an extra child to keep an eye on. He has send the child back every single time he’s come to our house.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working.

AIBU to ask him to chill out and accept kids and messy, noisy and sometimes fallout. He was particularly upset by my friends daughter swearing, accusing me of putting my friendship above the wellbeing of our daughter, but kids always fall out and are best friends a week later.

Doing the childcare for a 9 year old and working is going to be awful for both of them . Can she go to a holiday club?

How is he supposed to do both?

They both go to a club even twice a week. They both loath going to these clubs, and there is only only club they like which is starting in mid August, and they will go full time for a week.

I don't see that he's done anything wrong. Your DD's "friend" sounds like an undisciplined brat and he was right to tell her mother what she's been up to so it can be dealt with. He's also not unreasonable to not want the neighbours child in the house making a racket while he's working.

He has taken his annual leave over the summer, and only works a few half days.

Firstly that is a ridiculous ott thread title.
And secondly he has done nothing wrong
Thirdly didn't your family want to see your daughter?

I agree, WFH for the whole summer without any childcare is not ideal. My DD is 10, and this is the first year where we’ve done a few days of her being at home while one of us is WFH, but it’s only two days a week, max.

Regarding the friendship , I think YABU to tell your DH to ignore upsets. There’s quite a difference between a falling out and one 9 year old calling another 9 year old the F word! It sounds as though the friend can be quite unkind, and I wonder whether you are encouraging the friendship because you are friends with the mum. In your place, I would be trying to encourage other friendships to avoid this dynamic.

Regarding the child down the road, it doesn’t seem fair for you to always be hosting, and maybe you need to cut back on that. I’d use the WFH as an excuse here and say that DH can’t host other children while WFH as the noise is too distracting. I know that I’d struggle to focus on WFH if DD had a friend round, because they’d be noisier than just DD by herself.

The other parents don't want your child playing on their house either. So there is nothing wrong with DH sending him home.

Your DH did the correct thing by showing the other mother their daughter is swearing at yours online.

Let’s start on the easy one… perfectly fine to send the neighbor kid home. I wouldn’t really be happy watching an extra kid either 99% of the time when they are playing.

While you are correct about friendships falling out then fine the next day, that doesn’t mean that you just turn oblivious to what’s going on. He was right to take action at the swearing.

Lastly… you aren’t there, you aren’t the adult in charge at the moment. He gets to deal with things in his own way. Leave him to it.

You do sound a little blasé about the behaviour of your friends DD.

I think your DH may be right in that you are putting your friendship above the behaviour of the child.

Just brushing it off as kids will be kids is lazy parenting tbh. Good that your DH is keeping a watchful eye. Think you need to take your head out of the sand.

Sorry but you don't get to go away and leave him to juggle work and kids and then tell him how to parent.

Im not sure what he's done wrong. He flagged bad behaviour (once) to the other mum - that sounds fine to me. And why should he look after an extra kid, just because their family find it easier? Especially if he's trying to work!

That's a very misleading and unfair thread title but speaks volumes.

You'd have a cheek to criticise or intervene when he's juggling everything and you're off on however many jolly's.

He's done exactly the right thing and your child will do well with him as a father. He seems to prioritise his child and their wellbeing unlike some parents who just take off and do their own thing during summer holidays.

Hang on: you’re leaving him to do the childcare while WFH and you’re trying to tell him to allow behaviours that are damaging to your child, distract him from work, let a child swear at your child….because you’re concerned they might harm your own adult friendships?

Are you quite ok?

I was all prepared to think your DH WBU - but no, he’s right on both counts, and you are being a people-pleaser to the detriment of your family. Sorry!

Your DH is doing a good job. Tell him I said so.

You're being unreasonable expecting your husband to work from home while you're off visiting family for the summer, watch his child while wfh, and have another kid over.

He can handle the kids and their disputes, ect how he sees fit. You're not there and don't get to decide.

I think he was right about the swearing. You just want to keep things cool with your friend and he's concerned about the friend's daughter using abusive language towards her.

Your friend’s child swears at your daughter and frequently reduces her to tears by saying something mean or nasty to her? And you still want to encourage this friendship?

It doesn’t sound like a safe or healthy friendship dynamic for your daughter at all. When my daughter was 7, I moved her to a different school to get her out of exactly the kind of emotionally abusive friendship dynamic you describe.

Two completely separate issues here, fortunately both with the same answer: he's being perfectly reasonable.

He can't work and provide child care you need to make proper arrangements for childcare

Bit difficult to get through your post as some elements are unclear but...

1. No one can WFH and care for children - it's impossible and unfair
2. If it's not a good friendship for your daughter then you shouldn't encourage it.
3. I can't see any warpath or alienation here... I see someone overworked who is not being supported equally by his partner.

Edited as I've worked out what you mean despite typos.

Fairly sure ‘as’ was a typo for ‘at’, and the friend’s daughter swore at OP’s daughter, not the other way round.

Oh you again! You posted how badly behaved your friends child was and trashed your house, yet you were more concerned about your friendship.

im with your dh on this.

Never clicked agree on so many posts on one thread!

Team DH here too, he’s defended your dd while you’re more bothered about losing her friend’s mum’s friendship. Do you really think this child is a good friend for your dd?

Yes that's why I edited. Wasn't clear from the first reading, but I agree with you.