Husband on the war path and alienating my friends

[Awallflow]

Sorry it’s a long one.

1. My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends. My friend’s daughter is outgoing, has a large circle of friends and is confident, mine less so, but they are friends inside and outside of school.
2. A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily.
3. Yesterday, whilst on their iPads, my friend’s daughter swore as my daughter, calling her the ‘F’ word. She told my husband who took a screenshot, sent it to her mother and phoned telling her it’s not acceptable for her daughter to be swearing, and a few other choice words. My friend phoned me and was very apologetic.

1. We have a young child who lives a few doors down and our kids play with his regularly. However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house. He has a lovely house, with more space than we have, yet his parents always send him back to ours. DH doesn’t like this arrangement because it disturbs him when he is WFH, and because it’s an extra child to keep an eye on. He has send the child back every single time he’s come to our house.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working.

AIBU to ask him to chill out and accept kids and messy, noisy and sometimes fallout. He was particularly upset by my friends daughter swearing, accusing me of putting my friendship above the wellbeing of our daughter, but kids always fall out and are best friends a week later.

Your DH has handled this appropriately the girl should absolutely not be swearing at your daughter and he was right to tell her mum. As for the neighbour child visiting when he's WFH of course that's not reasonable! He's working, I'd send the neighbour packing too.

Your thread title is ridiculous. Your DH is doing a great job at parenting and you are undermining him. Do you often micromanage him like this because if I was married to you I'd be pretty irritated by it.

He sounds great. You sound like you don’t mind everyone walking all over your child.

Do you work? Why isn’t your daughter visiting family with you?!

I work from home, if I'm working those friends are being sent home.
Ideally my 9 yr old will be childcare but sometimes life happens.

You can't make your husband babysit random kids, especially when he's working.
Your mates kid behaved badly and your husband was correct to inform her parent.
How is he on the warpath? I can't see he's done anything wrong.

Did this friend's daughter scrawl all over your walls before? Because this sounds familiar, down to you dismissing your husband's concerns about the other kid's behaviours and you prioritizing your friend.

Of course it’s normal to send friends home if they turn up and you’re working. I mean if they are of an age when it actually makes life easier to have a friend around, sure. I suspect the other parents are also working and send them away. It sounds like you need more childcare (and as the non-working parent on holiday generally I would think you’d be providing it).

The friend swearing on the iPad I probably would have handled differently. I simply would have ended the conversation and had a word with my own dd about that kind of language. If problems continued, I’d cool the friendship. Contacting the other parent wouldn’t have been my first step, but as the other parent, I’d be grateful to know.

He sounds a bit fed up and overwhelmed, but maybe because he feels like he’s doing all the boundary setting with no back up from you. I often have to be the one doing this and it does annoy me when Dh just buries his head in the sand.

Your husband has done nothing wrong, I totally agree with him.

If your husband is alienating your friends by actively parenting and having boundaries then I can only assume you are very passive and the people you call friends take advantage.

Are you visiting your family over the summer holidays because you are a teacher? Is there a reason why you didn't take your daughter with you to visit family? There is no reason your husband shouldn't solo parent whilst you are away but expecting him to work and supervise visiting neighbourhood children at the same time is a bit much.

DH is doing the childcare and working.

How is that meant to work with your own 9 yo, her 9 yo friend and the young child from up the road?

"My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends."
Whilst it is possible that the girls are good friends, it's also possible that you just want them to be friends because of your friendship with the mother; and your daughter wants to please you so is sticking out 'being friends' with a girl who "has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean". Frankly, your friend's daughter sounds like a horror, swearing at your daughter and reducing her to tears.

FFS, stick up for your daughter, don't force her into friendships that suit you and not her!

"... if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house"
Yeah, I'd send the kid back home too; I am not his parents' unpaid childcare - which is how they are treating your family.

"Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working."
The parent doing the childcare calls the shots, you've buggered off leaving him to do the work so that means he gets to make the choices and you have no say in the matter. Are you annoyed on your children's behalf, or are you annoyed that his choices have highlighted to you what a doormat you are to your friend and neighbours?

As a matter of interest, your family is also your children's family, so why don't they get taken visiting THEIR family?

I'm Team DH on this one (who is not, by anyone else's standards bar yours "on the war path".

At 9 yo, it's possible (but not ideal) to wfh and them having a friend over could be better. As long as they are self sufficient. You can't throw in the little kid from up the road! And you who are not even there do not get to make that decision.

Let me rewrite the title for you

Unlike me, DH prioritising our daughter and standing up to CFs.

My response to him: 👏👏👏

Team DH here too.
Expecting him to host the neighbours' child whilst working from home is ridiculous.

Your title in no way reflects the content of your post.

I feel sorry for your DD...you are teaching her to allow herself to have shit boundaries and be trampled on in both scenarios you describe.

Team DH

So many lousy husbands and dads on MN, but yours seems a very good bloke, OP! He is dead right on both counts.

Hang on, have you gone to visit family and not taken your child with you?

Did you not want the child to visit your family? Seems a bit odd the child has been left at home with a parent who has to work, whilst the other parent gets to go on a holiday.

Because this sounds familiar....

Yes, I remember a thread where the husband didn't want a particular child coming to the house because she had upset the dd.

Tbh even if your husband wasn't working he doesn't have to have kids in the house that he doesn't want there or tolerate the behaviour of a girl who

"A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily".

Do you even like your daughter or is your mum friend more important?

Yep, it sounds very familiar. Everyone was on the DH's side then too.

I am with your DH on this. And i think you need to get on the same side as him ASAP.

I can't believe you are not protecting your daughter.
You sound like your friend's DD is actually your DD and you don't like your DD's personality very much.

As in WFH and looking after his DC and the neighbour's too... 😮really?!! You really can't see where he is coming from?
C'mon, OP.

Or is there more to this you haven't said?

DH’s side too. He cannot WFH while doing childcare especially with other children in the mix.
As an aside, why aren’t you taking DD to visit your family?

Why isnt your daughter visiting family with you?

Also

However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes

Why are you sending your kids (so there's more than the 9 year old DD?) to someone else's house without asking them?

Not words often read on MN! In fact I've never seen a thread where so many are supporting the male!