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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on the war path and alienating my friends

89 replies

Awallflow · 31/07/2025 13:54

Sorry it’s a long one.

  1. My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends. My friend’s daughter is outgoing, has a large circle of friends and is confident, mine less so, but they are friends inside and outside of school.
  2. A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily.
  3. Yesterday, whilst on their iPads, my friend’s daughter swore as my daughter, calling her the ‘F’ word. She told my husband who took a screenshot, sent it to her mother and phoned telling her it’s not acceptable for her daughter to be swearing, and a few other choice words. My friend phoned me and was very apologetic.
  1. We have a young child who lives a few doors down and our kids play with his regularly. However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house. He has a lovely house, with more space than we have, yet his parents always send him back to ours. DH doesn’t like this arrangement because it disturbs him when he is WFH, and because it’s an extra child to keep an eye on. He has send the child back every single time he’s come to our house.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working.

AIBU to ask him to chill out and accept kids and messy, noisy and sometimes fallout. He was particularly upset by my friends daughter swearing, accusing me of putting my friendship above the wellbeing of our daughter, but kids always fall out and are best friends a week later.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 31/07/2025 15:51

Your post sounds very odd OP - H sounds very reasonable but sadly for you, you don’t.

martinirossi · 31/07/2025 16:01

Not the point of your post (you are being unreasonable) but what is the F word? The only one I can think of isn't used as a specific insult!

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 31/07/2025 16:07

martinirossi · 31/07/2025 16:01

Not the point of your post (you are being unreasonable) but what is the F word? The only one I can think of isn't used as a specific insult!

Edited

I wondered that too 😄 like did the 'friend' call her fuck? Fitch?

martinirossi · 31/07/2025 16:10

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 31/07/2025 16:07

I wondered that too 😄 like did the 'friend' call her fuck? Fitch?

Show quote history

I suppose it could be fucker but that seems quite an unusual turn of phrase for a little girl!

Delphiniumandlupins · 31/07/2025 16:11

Your friend was very apologetic regarding her daughter's behaviour so she didn't think your DH overreacted.

The other family don't want your child inside their house either. I think it would be nice for your DD to have a playmate so close by but you've left your husband in charge. If you were providing the childcare he wouldn't get to tell you to entertain other kids if you didn't want to.

HardworkSendHelp · 31/07/2025 16:12

OMG Op you need to come home mind your kids and let your husband work. The man is doing his best looking after his own kids AND working (which I strongly disagree with) never mind looking after the neighbours child.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/07/2025 17:00

martinirossi · 31/07/2025 16:10

I suppose it could be fucker but that seems quite an unusual turn of phrase for a little girl!

Show quote history

I got stuck on this detail and couldn't even process the rest of the post. My first thought was fuckface, but I don't think I've heard anyone use that in years.

BunnyLake · 31/07/2025 17:04

You’re wrong, he’s right.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 31/07/2025 17:04

Sorry OP but YABU.

First of all your husband is the one doing childcare and he had every right to tell your friend about her daughter swearing at yours. Yes children fall out and make up, but when they cross a line like that their parents should be told.

Secondly your neighbour is taking the piss not allowing the children to play in their home and constantly sending the children back to play at your house 99% of the time. In fact your neighbour sounds like a cheeky fucker too who is using you for free childcare, especially when your dh is trying to work I would be stopping that completely but if you wanna be a doormat thats your choice when you're in charge, why should your husband be a doormat for a piss taking CF! I would have taken the neighbour kid back home and told their parent straight if they can't reciprocate then their child is not welcome in my house either!

Mummypie21 · 31/07/2025 17:05

I don't think the neighbours sound like your friends so your husband isn't 'alienating' them.

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2025 17:11

Your husband is in the right, he obviously has confidence and assertiveness, let's hope it rubs off on you.

ButteredRadish · 31/07/2025 17:13

Why on earth have you dipped out for the summer?!? Is there some urgent need for you to be with family that long? Apologies if there’s a bereavement or something

WhatNoRaisins · 31/07/2025 17:15

I think if you're leaving the kids with him while you're visiting then it's on him to decide what's best for the kids and what he can cope with. I'm not a fan of working and looking after children at the same time, it's one thing now and then if childcare falls through but otherwise it's irresponsible.

cofffeeee · 31/07/2025 18:00

Op you are wrong and need a big mug of reality to drink.

Kinneddar · 31/07/2025 18:12

Firstly your thread title is ridiculous. Hes been right on both counts

Secondly hes wfh, doing childcare and using annual leave for child care while you've gone to spend the summer with family

Why are you not spending it with your immediate family, you know, your husband and children. Or why aren't your children with you?

Quite honestly if you've fucked off and left them then you lose all rights to criticise how your husband is dealing with things at home

Hufflemuff · 31/07/2025 18:33

What an absurd click bait title...

Bearbookagainandagain · 31/07/2025 18:46

There are so many things wrong with this thread that it's difficult to pick...

The bottom line is your husband is right.

And why he is the one working and caring for the children whilst you're on holiday?!

Thefsm · 01/08/2025 18:17

What is the f word? A fuck? A fart? A gay slur?

Gcsunnyside23 · 01/08/2025 18:20

What age is your younger child? Either way looking after 2 kids while WFH is tough and in the right to send the other child home if they need supervised. In relation to your daughter your husband is in the right here and your friends daughter might treas a little lighter if she knows she will get pulled up in her behaviour. But at the end of the day he's there dealing with it and you're visiting family so he can deal with these issues as he sees fit. You can't compare his you look after them with him when he's WFH also

MMUmum · 01/08/2025 18:27

Where did you find this saint of a man? Poor fella can't seem to do right for wrong, he's wfh and doing childcare as well as sorting out squabbles, at the very least he's going to be tired and irritable, cut him.some slack

Spinmerightroundbaby · 01/08/2025 18:46

Awallflow · 31/07/2025 13:54

Sorry it’s a long one.

  1. My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends. My friend’s daughter is outgoing, has a large circle of friends and is confident, mine less so, but they are friends inside and outside of school.
  2. A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily.
  3. Yesterday, whilst on their iPads, my friend’s daughter swore as my daughter, calling her the ‘F’ word. She told my husband who took a screenshot, sent it to her mother and phoned telling her it’s not acceptable for her daughter to be swearing, and a few other choice words. My friend phoned me and was very apologetic.
  1. We have a young child who lives a few doors down and our kids play with his regularly. However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house. He has a lovely house, with more space than we have, yet his parents always send him back to ours. DH doesn’t like this arrangement because it disturbs him when he is WFH, and because it’s an extra child to keep an eye on. He has send the child back every single time he’s come to our house.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working.

AIBU to ask him to chill out and accept kids and messy, noisy and sometimes fallout. He was particularly upset by my friends daughter swearing, accusing me of putting my friendship above the wellbeing of our daughter, but kids always fall out and are best friends a week later.

I think you have a realistic attitude - kids arent perfect and they can need correction from time to time. Kids are resilient and get over their quarrels quickly most of the time at that age.

The noise levels though - at 9, I would expect that they can play without being disruptive, so is he being overly sensitive or are they making more noise than typical 9 year olds? Aside from asking for snacks and a bit of in and out of the house/garden, children of this age shouldn't be too much trouble.

Lotsofsnacks · 01/08/2025 19:04

Awallflow · 31/07/2025 13:54

Sorry it’s a long one.

  1. My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends. My friend’s daughter is outgoing, has a large circle of friends and is confident, mine less so, but they are friends inside and outside of school.
  2. A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily.
  3. Yesterday, whilst on their iPads, my friend’s daughter swore as my daughter, calling her the ‘F’ word. She told my husband who took a screenshot, sent it to her mother and phoned telling her it’s not acceptable for her daughter to be swearing, and a few other choice words. My friend phoned me and was very apologetic.
  1. We have a young child who lives a few doors down and our kids play with his regularly. However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house. He has a lovely house, with more space than we have, yet his parents always send him back to ours. DH doesn’t like this arrangement because it disturbs him when he is WFH, and because it’s an extra child to keep an eye on. He has send the child back every single time he’s come to our house.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working.

AIBU to ask him to chill out and accept kids and messy, noisy and sometimes fallout. He was particularly upset by my friends daughter swearing, accusing me of putting my friendship above the wellbeing of our daughter, but kids always fall out and are best friends a week later.

Hes done nothing wrong get a grip OP. Your friend’s daughter sounds an awful little brat, good for DH for calling her out and telling her parents

Lostworlds · 01/08/2025 19:09

Two different issues here, your friend’s child was swearing, your dd didn’t like it and he acted upon it quickly. I don’t see the problem with this, he didn’t leave it to you to sort, he just dealt with it there and then.

The neighbours child coming over isn’t great when your dh is already working from home. There needs to be a balance of playing in both of the houses but the neighbour shouldn’t be playing at your house if your dh is working.

Your dh isn’t on the warpath and doesn’t look to be alienating anyone.

Createausername1970 · 01/08/2025 19:16

I am team husband.

And if the other parents keep sending their child round, I would send the child back home with a note attached to him saying "Annoying Child can't play round ours at the moment as I am WFH and cannot supervise, but I am happy for Wallflower Junior to play at yours. Wallflower herself is back next Tuesday"

AngelofIslington · 01/08/2025 19:17

If your DH is the one at home looking after his DC I’d say how he parents is up to him.
Neither of the examples you gave paint him in a bad light, I think he handled the situations at the time quite sensibly.