Husband on the war path and alienating my friends

[Awallflow]

Sorry it’s a long one.

1. My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends. My friend’s daughter is outgoing, has a large circle of friends and is confident, mine less so, but they are friends inside and outside of school.
2. A few when at my house, she has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean - my daughter gets very emotional easily.
3. Yesterday, whilst on their iPads, my friend’s daughter swore as my daughter, calling her the ‘F’ word. She told my husband who took a screenshot, sent it to her mother and phoned telling her it’s not acceptable for her daughter to be swearing, and a few other choice words. My friend phoned me and was very apologetic.

1. We have a young child who lives a few doors down and our kids play with his regularly. However, 99% of the time they are playing at our house; even if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house. He has a lovely house, with more space than we have, yet his parents always send him back to ours. DH doesn’t like this arrangement because it disturbs him when he is WFH, and because it’s an extra child to keep an eye on. He has send the child back every single time he’s come to our house.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working.

AIBU to ask him to chill out and accept kids and messy, noisy and sometimes fallout. He was particularly upset by my friends daughter swearing, accusing me of putting my friendship above the wellbeing of our daughter, but kids always fall out and are best friends a week later.

You can possibly tell the neighbours when you're back about your arrangements this holiday and smooth it over. Extra children when working from home is unnecessarily hard.

Reinforce with your friend that you and your husband are separate people and have independent relationships with your friends. He's overreacted and it's not her fault. I think there's also scope for a conversation with your husband about how you approach other parents - ie. collobaratively because you never know what your own child has been doing.

My 10 year old is good friends with my best friend’s daughter. They’re in the same class at all. Sometimes, my friend’s daughter can be really awful to my daughter and there have been a few occasions when I have raised it with my friend. I don’t think your DH has done anything wrong here.
I am sometimes happy to have children round playing, and sometimes, for whatever reason, it’s not convenient. If your DH is working then it’s not convenient. Again, I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

I like the sound of your husband!

I am sick of people who are too scared to upset the apple cart. My ND teen has problematic behaviour. I want to know all about it please. So I can address that which I don't know about; probably plenty 🤦.

I have often spoken to parents. I do it from absolute understanding and am friendly always - because I understand with my own teen challenges. I always call a parent and tell them if it's bad enough what theirs has done, alone or in collaboration with mine. And I wish others would get their heads off shit book or whatever else and help each other like this.

He can't be fully responsible for another kid when he's working. I understand that. If the issue is needing him to be available then of course speak to him and ask if he can take more time off to help.

Sometimes being unliked is not a bad thing. I'm sure I'm the local 'Karen' in various ways. Who cares. 🙏

You husband does not sound like he is on a war path nor is alienating you from your friends 🤔 Sounds like he is just fed up of dealing with other people’s bratty kids. I don’t blame him.

1. When a child misbehaves, you tell their parents - he's done the right thing.
2. If other people are trying to use you as childcare, you're perfectly entitled to say no and send the kid home, particularly if you're trying to work - again, he's done the right thing

Me or hubby wouldn't accept language like that being spoken to or by any of our kids and would be in the same page of wether it's ok all the time to have or not have neighbours kids around. You have to be balanced your hubby is entitled to not have hyper kids running about every day tho

He sounds like he’s parenting properly, I don’t see anything he’s done wrong?

If you aren’t going to be there then it’s up to him to parent. It’s just as much his child 🤷🏼‍♀️

When my eldest Beloved Child was little, he always had friends over
It was 99 percent of the time, Immensely one sided
But I permitted this to be so, because
my Beloved Child, was an only Child until I had His Sweet Siblings, much later on
So he was lonely
Some seem to sense vulnerability & take advantage of circumstances & situations
Sometimes yes you do need to rise above, take the rough with the smooth
So long's you're putting your Beloved Childrens wellbeing & happiness 1st
God Bless You&Yours
💚🌼💚

Even if your DH is on annual leave and only working minimally, you’re completely unreasonable to faff off to visit family and go on your own vacations during the summer and expect him not to have any holiday/off time of his own. So only YOU get holiday time and he doesn’t, is that what you’re saying?

You’re demanding he do ALL the childcare for your DC while you’re gone (on multiple trips, as far as I can tell), while WORKING (even if on a reduced schedule), while also somehow wrangling your DC’s relationships with her friends…?

Yeah, I don’t like to throw around the world “entitled” lightly, but holy crap, you’re entitled.

YABU.

Kindly, OP, this.

You would expect someone else to take their child to work in an office so why do you expect your husband to care for the children and you do as you please visiting family, and the expecting him to work and care for the children safetly and effectively, and care for an extra child, sounds like the other family send their child to yours because you are a push over and allow them to use you for free childcare not a friendship for your child!

If you are visiting family would your daughter enjoy that too? Why you don't take her?
Why would you want your daughter to be friends with a child who upsets and uses foul language to her?
Why do you "send" your child to play at a neighbour's house - especially when they "send" her back with their own child? Are you not asking them first?

I am just stunned that @Awallflow is "away visiting family for the summer" that doesn't seem to want to see her DD.

If my family didn't want my DD when I visit, I'd not be going.