To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

You are not being unreasonable. Just say ok sorry we won't be able to see you then.

Of course it would add chaos and it could be unsagebans definitely unhygienic. It's not a well trained service dog

If the husband is at all relaxed about a reactive dog with a stupid owner being around multiple toddlers and a barbecue, that would make him entirely in the wrong. It's a big enough deal when its your problem.

as someone who has done some work with a legitimate assistance dog charity. This trend for calling them assistance dogs really pisses me off. Its hard enough for people with actual assistance dogs to be taken seriously on trains, in shops etc. without this lot jumping on with their poorly trained dogs.

Ultimately this is a problem only if you make it op. It's a problem only for you it seems, as dog isn't dangerous, it just is excitable.
So basically you are deciding that your SIL isn't that important for you to compromise on having this dog around. You don't want to be trading off having a running dog around and possibility of dog jumping on that table against having together time with your SIL. I'm assuming dog can't be left alone or go day boarding. In any case your SIL isn't going to be paying somine for you to not be irritated by a dog in a garden. Also Dog not being a therapy dog etc are irrelevant. Anyway, you can't compromise, don't want SIL around and that's your freedom to make that decision.

It feels to me you might not like SIL so much given your bar to not have her with you on bbq day is very low. Or maybe I'm more ok with a dog around. Wouldn't bother me and I'd find it funny too. But people are different and your sausages are important to you more than SIL, you can't laugh it off, and that's ok.

However there's also your dh, who would have made a compromise. And going forward, your SIL will be outed from your family occasions cos you won't compromise. Unless you're inconsistent. That might include you not going to your Mil when that dog is around. Will you or won't you. It's not really a sustainable decision in my opinion.

There’s a dog in our family that ruins all events. Even if there is no food, it goes crazy attacking the fridge.

Enjoy your barbecue without the dog!

Regarding your SIL and her maybe feeling put-out, would it be possible to ask if there are other ways you could support her mental health if she wanted to come without the dog? For example, could she have a designated quiet space to retreat to in your home during the event?

Perfect!

RNIB have nothing to do with training guide dogs. Guide Dogs train guide dogs.

Give over, and no point did she say it was reactive, just not very well trained. Had dogs my whole live, some are harder work than others and need to be supervised around children especially toddlers, but you are trying to build into a big issue than it actually is.

I agree.

I have a twatty spaniel who will nick food when people's backs are turned and the only way I would take her to an event like this would be if I kept her on a short lead at all times. Would SIL agree to this as a compromise?

Yanbu. It really grates on me when people try and pass off their very poorly trained pets as therapy/assistance dogs. I wouldnt relent on it either just because dh wants her there. She'll soon realise and no doubt come without it.

Ok, we can use zero boundaries, food stealing, bird barking and rug pissing if you prefer. As well as an owner who's got a history of excusing this kind of behaviour and is already resentful.

But no, its still a fucking terrible idea and the DH is all the way in the wrong. As are you when you try and minimise it. I cant tell whether you're always this daft or whether you've upped the game because its a bloke.

Unless a medical professional has stated she needs a support dog and said dog is trained by a professional to be a service dog then it’s not a therapy dog, it’s an excuse she uses. Any trained therapy dog wouldn’t be behaving like this either! It would be a hard no from me! Cannot belief it goes to the hairdressers and Pilates!

Spot the person with a badly behaved dog who wants to take it everywhere....

No-one can expect another household to accommodate their pet unless it’s a genuine assistance dog. She is really taking the piss here by bringing it everywhere. The training proper assistance dogs go through is immense and they are amazing. I had a colleague who used to help socialise some of the guide dog puppies and they are so clever. I think they should have a protected title so people like your sil don’t try and take the piss and make life harder for those who have a proper assistance dog.

I’d wager there is bugger all wrong with her and the dog is not a therapy dog. It’s her pet which she is using the ‘therapy dog’ title to take it in places it’s not allowed and to be a cow.
Good on you with the short reply. She’s sniffing around for a reaction.
Shes an attention Seeker. Is she the golden child baby of the family ?

I wouldn't dream of taking my dog along to a bbq. Madness.

My thoughts exactly.

The whole concept of 'therapy animals' is just another excuse for people to brandish 'mental health' as a justification for poor behaviour. Maybe we need to tighten up on the definition of 'mental health problems'. many can be consigned to the bin of fed up, pissed off, anti-social etc and insult people who are really suffering.

Oh I thought this was the SiL coming along...

hoorah! @PhilippaGeorgiou you are someone who has actually read the proper words!! I posted this upthread so will post it again as its what is the Equality Comissions official stance which is what is backed by UK law. www.equalityhumanrights.com/guidance/assistance-dogs-guide-businesses-and-service-providers?return-url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.equalityhumanrights.com%2Fsearch%3Fkeys%3Ddogs

You have to love that she weaponising both her own mental health AND the bloody dog’s. His “anxiety”.

I am a dog lover but this recent trend of people expecting to bring them absolutely everywhere drives me nuts. So unrelaxing for all. Glad you stood your ground OP.

No absolutely not. If the dog were a therapy dog it would be trained. You are not excluding her, you are excluding an untrained dog in favour of small children playing and eating in peace.

This.