To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

My 2 dogs ar very well behaved and would sit quietly by my dh's feet but we wouldn't take them to a BBQ with small DC because they would be wanting to pet them and the dogs would get no peace.

Could she just keep it on a lead? Let it stretch it legs a few times under supervision once everyone has eaten.

You’ve done the right thing - don’t let anyone guilt trip you.

Not good for your mental health if you have to worry about an unruly dog. You’ve explained your reasoning to her. If she chooses not to come, that is her choice. I also agree with the person who suggested you ask her to take him to obedience training so he can be relied on to behave. I like dogs ( and cats) but find owners who think their pet should sit on your sofa, beg at the table etc totally insensitive and selfish. I’m also not crazy about dogs in shops and other places where hygiene is an issue either.

Well done for standing your ground @AshNice If she complains, remind her what happened last time she brought her dog to a BBQ (getting up on the table, eating burgers, etc.). It’s her responsibility to train her dog to behave around food and if she doesn’t do that, he can’t come.

I wouldn’t bring my dog to a BBQ either, he’s not trustworthy around food :-).

Who's saying he's at fault? His opinion differs from OP who is looking out for the comfort of the majority of guests including children. He's wimping out of dealing with his sister who doesn't seem bothered by how her dog behaves or how that behaviour impacts the other guests. So OP deals with it. Good on the OP.

SIL can throw a dog party if she wants to socialise with her dog.

So basically you are deciding that your SIL isn't that important for you to compromise on having this dog around.

This is outrageous manipulation. People cannot get their own way just because they demand it.

ETA forgot to add quote.

Because she HAS to bring her untrained dog everywhere?

You can’t demand your dog goes everywhere.

If DH wants to compromise then he needs to be discussing with his sister how the dog would be kept away from toddlers, food and bins, at the very least. A therapy dog doesn't need to be trained to guide dog standards but it should have basic manners. Otherwise the owner is just taking the pics.

Following to see if you get a response.

How about a compromise of dog comes but has to be kept on a lead/on a mat/in a crate (if trained but it sounds like it isn't).

We have had to take our dog to a family funeral (not the actual service - I stood outside with her) last week as it was 8 hours away and our dog sitters were also going! It was also too short notice for kennels or a sitter. She went to the wake and was kept on a lead and I took a long lasting non smelly chew for her to have under the table and she was no trouble. The family wanted us there so compromised.

Yes!

I love dogs, but if your sister’s dog is untrained and reactive to excited toddlers then she is putting her own dog in a difficult situation. If the dog is overexcited or food reactive then she is setting that dog up for failure, it could respond aggressively if it felt threatened. She obviously doesn’t supervise the poor dog if it was able to steal the sausages. She is taking the piss out of people who have gone through the process of training and working with a therapy dog. She is also taking the piss by playing ‘the mental health card’ to trying and guilt you into doing things her way. You could always play ‘The allergy card’. Touché

No is a perfectly acceptable answer even to someone who has mental health concerns. Using it mental health as a stick to manipulate you with, is abusive and not acceptable. She does not NEED to bring the dog. If she feels she does then you do not need to have her there as its not the appropriate setting for them both.

I'm with the others ." Oh well see you another time then."

Im sorry but while he may help with your anxiety, until hes completed his service training, so hes less boisterous, he cant attend an event with food and toddlers.

Sorry to hear this may make you feel unable to come this time. Hopefully see you soon. And if you change your mind, the invitation remains open

Make DH responsible for the dog? Can you section a bit of your garden off? I’ a dog owner and lover bit this dog’s behaviour is entirely inappropriate.

@Newpeep thats not a “compromise” - use of the word compromise assumes that the needs of the dog are the same as the needs of people. I would be thoroughly unimpressed with a dog at a wake and think it ridiculous - your dog would have been fine on its own for longer than usual for one day, or you could have found a different dog sitter/had a neighbour look in. Bringing a dog to a wake is not appropriate and just because they said it was okay doesn’t mean they were happy with it, it probably means that a grieving family didn’t have the emotional resources to argue

I would get the ick for my husband if he started defending her twatty behaviour.

Yanbu.

Right this is the thing, her dog behaving like this would give me and many other people anxiety. Especially when I was a child. People like this don’t seem to care about anyone else’s mental health.

Op, stick to your guns.

Well done for not backing down, OP.

I would be walking right out of the Pilates class if she brought her dog into it and I’d be asking the staff in the supermarket why is there a pet dog in there and reporting it to head office.

Again, no regard for the needs of other people. It’s probably not even that safe for anyone if the dog is liable to get in people’s way while they’re exercising or pushing trolley around.

Out of curiousity- does she work? If so does she take her dog to work?!

ETA: oops didn’t mean to quote the whole post lol

Good luck finding a sitter or a kennels over the holidays and 8 hours each way (with an overnight stay) is a bit too long to leave a dog by about 34 hours.

I offered to stay home but they wanted me there and insisted we even stay with them rather than book into accommodation. So dog had to come.

As you say, probably not a compromise as they were more worried about having all family there rather than being worried about a small dog laying under the table for an hour or two with other dogs in the establishment not connected to the funeral party (pub)

Different situation as it sounds like this dog is allowed to run riot with no training or boundaries and everyone needs to just suck it up but if the OP wants the SIL there then they may need to compromise. If she doesn't then fine. She's quite within her right and I'd not judge. Ours have never been to family events unless it's unavoidable or they have been invited.

"sorry you can't come. Have a lovely afternoon. See you soon "

@Newpeep Out of interest what do you and other people obsessed with their dogs think will happen to them if they are left on their own for longer than usual with a bowl of food and sufficient water? A neighbour or friend could have let it out for a wee. It’s not appropriate, a dog does not “have” to go anywhere - it’s a dog.

YANBU. It's an event in your house, so up to you how it runs. She sounds like a right madam.