To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Real assistance dogs almost always wear leads in public. I’m sure there is an exception somewhere in the world of a pair that needs to work differently, but it won’t be just an ESA.

I don’t think a dog will add chaos. If you have three toddlers, it will not be a particularly quiet sit-down anyway, will it?
She doesn’t sound like a very responsible dog owner but you don’t sound like a welcoming host either.

A friend's very high maintenance dachsund ate an unused balloon one our dc dropped on the floor at our house. Several hundred pounds to have the stupid bloody animal's stomach pumped, and my poor dd still feels guilty about it! It has massive issues with food and so going near it when it's got something in its mouth is not an option if you want to avoid serious injury.

Sounds like she’s using the dog to form part of her identity and using it as a shield. She might feel she can keep anxiety at bay if nobody’s looking at her too closely/ she can put the dog between other people and herself. Id have done the same thing as you, but if lots of people do she’s going to find herself in a real pickle: dog, or the world. Ultimately, she’s using the dog to not face her issues.

Did you even read the OP's posts? The dog stole food, kept jumping up and chased the toddlers.

Yes, three toddlers won't be relaxing, but adding an uncontrollable dog into the mix is not on.

She is a welcoming host - she is thinking about making sure that the people she has invited have a nice time and she doesn’t have to worry about children getting knocked into hot bbqs or being bitten. People have no right or need to bring a dog to social events unless it is an actual proper service dog for the blind or deaf. “Therapy dog” my arse.

This dog has form for adding chaos.

And hosting is supposed to be a pleasure, not a chore. Why does a selfish desire to bring the dog trump OP’s wish to enjoy her event without the stress this animal causes?

YANBU your SIL needs to be less self absorbed.

We’re hosting a barbecue for family and friends in a couple of weeks. We have a well trained dog but she won’t be there because it’s just too stressful for both us and her. She’s going to spend the day with her favourite dog sitter and we’ll all have a better time as a result.

Yeah, she wants everything to revolve around her and her pet, but unfortunately she’s not bothered to train the dog well enough for other people to want it coming along to everything. Her dog is a plain old pet, not a therapy dog.

Virtually everyone who chooses to have a dog does so because they find them comforting to have around - that’s totally different to having it trained to the level of a therapy dog which would be expected to be of a particularly calm temperament, as well as behave itself around people, kids, food etc.

Tell her you’re sorry she doesn’t feel able to attend without her dog and that’s she’s welcome to come without it, or once it’s been trained fully.

Let her know that if the dog were well trained it would be welcome. Cannot bear people who make fools of dogs and allow them to do exactly what they want to. Same applies to children!

It's OPs house too and she is entitled to set boundaries that suit her and the majority of guests. The husband sounds like a bit of a wimp and would rather put up with the doggy disruption than speak candidly to his barking sister.

Sounds like she has gone way over the top with her reaction, but that's what most dogs are like, every sausage is fair game, I wouldn't have an issue myself with the dog being at BBQ.

Assuming the behaviour at the last event wasn't a massive exaggeration, you must have had a conversation at that time or afterwards with your husband? Normally the subject would have come up with other family members too. What was said at the time? Surely everyone will know that your reservations about the dog are entirely informed by that occasion and they'll all help out to keep the dog away from the food and the children.

How fortuitous that she has a therapy dog to help her deal with the stress of not being able to take her therapy dog to events where dogs are not welcome 😄

That, or her husband is more relaxed about it... why do we always have to make out the men are always at fault on this site. Some people would have no issue with dog being there, other will, not sure it's that big a deal.

Why, because she doesn’t want a badly-trained, excitable dog jumping around knocking food everywhere?

It’s not a service dog. Her mental health doesn’t trump everyone else having a nice day.

Have you ever met a dog that hasn't tried to steal a sausage given the chance? It's her BBQ, her choice, but sounds bit other the top (OP and SIL) to me.

First response nails it, and it can only help your sils centre of reality to be reminded that most of the people around her are not going to centre everything around her. If your dh cares for her tell him to forcefully suggest training and some rules for the dog so it’s welcome in more places, before her Pilates studio bans her for life. I’d leave a Pilates class with a jumpy dog in it and never come back.

I don't suffer from anxiety any more thankfully, but if I owned a dog like that my anxiety would be through the ROOF at its behaviour at family events..!

@99bottlesofkombucha i can’t underhand why the Pilates studio is even allowing it? I would complain if someone brought an animal into an exercise class I had paid to attend

Yeah, dog owners like this always agree to your conditions, and then completely disregard them as soon as they have got their paws in the door.

I’m looking at you ‘ my friend’ who agreed that her dog would sleep in the utility room, or the barn, or the stable ( which he seemed to be fascinated by, the horses were long gone) and then insisted on him sleeping in their bedroom 🤢. Luckily it was you he bit when you disturbed him by entering the room to go to bed, although his howls and your shrieks woke everyone else up.

It's possible that the real issue is that the dog is too badly behaved to be left home alone for long periods.

I would use most of this in your response to her.

This.

Could be. Still, not OP’s problem.