To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

I know it's definitely not a therapy dog! But perhaps it is to her in that it clearly makes her feel less anxious, and that's what my answer was about. Does she have serious mental health issues such that she can't go anywhere without the dog? If so, I would try to cut her some slack. If not, I wouldn't.

Though @TitaniasAss is right, either way the children's physical safety comes first.

Just stick to your guns. If she cannot control the dog it will make it stressful for you. What if the dog was to bite one of the children? This is possible at an event like this with the owner not taking responsibility to keep the dog under proper control. Tell her ‘sorry you will be missed, hopefully you understand my priority is that it is a relaxing day for everyone and that my own mental health isn’t stretched by hosting and worrying about your dog around the kids and food.’

Can I just say it can be harder and harder to go to family events as you get older if your siblings are married, settled and have kids and you are still single. You don't mention her husband. If she isn't settled down yet it can be incredibly tough to attend these things by yourself every time.

Obviously the dog should be under control, and she could keep it on a lead. But I do think people should recognise how tough it may well be for her.

Dog owner here - I have a very well trained sight hound, she's absolutely fine around young children and doesn't pinch food....... I still wouldn't take her to a bbq as she would just be annoying with longing looks at people eating!

Your SIL dog definitely sounds 1000 times worse and she would be best focusing on her dogs training rather then having a go.

She will find herself more and more isolated if her response is no dog no me. Yes we sometimes take our dog to friend and families houses (with permission) but she's also trained and well behaved!

Either it comes and is kept on a short lead and away from the food, and needs to be properly trained to come again
OR
It doesn't come and needs to be properly trained before it's welcome back, after the sausage incident.

FWIW, I have two well-mannered dogs, but I'd never take them to a family party. They'd get underfoot and while they're very good at staying where they're told too, the older one would drool, eventually whine and be very likely to raid any plate put down within 15' of her.

Is there a compromise on bringing dog but keeping on a short lead at all times?

Another vote for ‘Ah shame you can’t make it’, however would you be ok if your kids weren’t invited to her house? I once saw a dog mount a roasted ham, so you do have my sympathy.

The thing with compromises is that they only work when the people involved can be trusted to be reasonable. SIL can't, and DH clearly doesn't want to deal with the issue.

If the dog attends under these conditions and SIL decides at some point during the afternoon that actually shes not going to stick to it, what will happen then?

YANBU. Stand firm, don't give in. To say you're disrespecting her mental health is just ridiculous. It's not your problem that she can't be bothered training her dog.

I think offer to allow dog but on a lead. I take my dogs to bbqs etc but always on a short lead. If she then says no, that’s down to her, but a blanket ban is a bit harsh particularly as it will set up a feud situation. Frankly, badly behaved kids at bbqs are as bad but I know that wasn’t the point of the thread!

I'm with the OP on this regarding children, nappy bins, stealing food, running around.

However the DH may have a point - but its hard to wind the clock back and re-say things in a better way.

Fortunately my sibling's dog never makes an appearance at such events - distance mainly. But if it did appear I'd be worried about dead cats, guests being bitten etc. pinching sausages would be a minor concern.

There's a lot to be said for training dogs properly. My DD1's dog would cause no problems, cats alive and unchased, no guests' blood spilt, no sausages pinched.

What about your mental health having the dog there! Agree with PP just say that’s a shame catch up with you another time

If my dog was behaving badly at someone else’s house, that would cause me even greater anxiety!!

But the OP doesn't want the dog there. It's her house and garden. Not very nice for the poor dog to be tethered for hours just because the SIL can be arsed to train it properly.

YANBU and if she can't come without it then she can stay home, her choice. Don't pander to her. If you do decide to let it come, then it has to stay on a lead at her feet.

You will have a hot BBQ and toddlers running about, their needs are more important than SIL manipulating her way into bringing her dog. If the dog jumped on the table for party food, imagine how it will react with burgers and sausages! Dogs can get reactive around high value food like meat and also could end up hurting the toddlers when they are running around.
I would show your SIL that you won’t put up with her manipulation and send her a message saying , ‘ I totally understand why you won’t be at our BBQ, obvious you will be missed but after the fiasco at birthday party, dogs are not welcome at mine’.
Your H can’t say you have been bitchy or stirred trouble because you have just been honest. He is obviously one of these people who can’t put boundaries down but you have to voice children’s safe guarding issues.

She sounds very self-centred. The dog is probably very stressed out.

DH takes responsibility for the BBQ - managing the kids, dog and SIL. You pour a glass of wine and relax.

“What a shame, hope to catch you with you soon.”

I’d be relieved that she’s solved the problem for me. 😆

I can't see that happening. It didn't last time.

He’s just her naughty pet dog who needs some training. Therapy dog my arse. Just tell her fine, sorry she can’t make it.

My house, my rules. I don’t like dogs, wouldn’t want one in my house, and I don't have to apologise for that. She doesn’t want to come without the dog? That’s her choice. Not your problem.

I think I'd have replied with "Sorry, my mental health can't cope with supervising the dog around three tiny children while hosting. I know DDog means well but the kids' safety comes first and there's too much potential for things to go wrong."

There is no compromising with these sorts of insufferable dog owners. Their version of a compromise is they get to bring the dog and we all have to tolerate it. We fell out with BIL and his gf because we have said their dog will not ever be welcome at our house and we won’t be going to PILs at the same time
as them if they bring their dog because both of us suffer from allergies (we also hate dogs generally and find them irritating, overstimulating and gross) but the allergy is the argument we put forward because it is true and you would think it can’t be argued with….

Apparently not! You would have thought I had slapped her sister round the face or something. ILs took our side and forbade it at their house if we are coming but the relationship hasn’t really recovered.

YANBU ….
Official assistance dogs are highly trained . Even young ones
She needs to get it some training or expect more refusals !!!
I’m a dog lover and Ive had a dog in the past - have to accept not everyone likes them / wants them in their house .

I have refused my parents’ dog in the past too - he’s a barker and kids had exams!!

Thing with disabilities (hidden or otherwise ) - their comfort / enjoyment should not be at the expense of others . In your case it would be